Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 14

Should I even write an intro for these posts anymore? I make fun of crappy-looking Steam Greenlight games, everybody laughs and comments, and I die a little bit more on the inside. Enjoy.

More like Lord of the DORK Castle!
I love games where the menu takes up two-thirds of the screen.

Lord of the Dark Castle

As usual, this is a crappy Steam Greenlight clone of another game that nobody asked for, because it has already been cloned into oblivion. This game even has less features in it than its superior counter-part! Seven whole levels to explore! Wow! Three full sets of armor! Three?! What more could a kid ask for?! Oh, but be wary, potential player (like there will be any): although this is marketed as a “casual” game, it is not easy. The game’s description makes sure to point out that “casual does NOT mean easy!” Even though most people would argue that is the exact definition of “casual.”

Score: Diablo III/10

Best Comment: tzubidu: “Your on my Ask Later list because I refuse to vote yes on any game that didn’t secure the founds needed to make it.”

I wish someone would kick this game into a pit.
THIS. IS. A CRAPPY GAME!!!

300 Spartans

The story of the 300 Spartans who fought the Persian army during the Battle of Termopylae has been recounted in many formats, but none as crappy as this game. Apparently in ancient Greece it was custom to constantly have ones fists clenched and basically rip one’s leg off while kicking some guy with eyes all over his clothes into a pit. One of the game’s features is “beautiful 2D hand-drawn art style,” but I have a feeling the developer needs to get his or hers eyes checked. Either that or the artist for this game is a 13-year-old kid who has never actually seen another person in real life. Experience the excitement of “the process of becoming a Spartan!” Actually, I can think of a much more fun way to become a Spartan: apply and attend Michigan State University. I have a feeling, while there are less pits to kick people into, there is more drinking.

Score: 300 Abs/10

Best Comment: C0untzer0: “Good job you dedcided to launch before you were ready, that makes the choice easier.”

Just stand up straight, zombies!
I did not know so many zombies had scoliosis issues.

Death Run

If RPG Maker is the bane of RPG games on Steam Greenlight, then Unity is the bane of First-Person Shooters. As with pretty much every other Greenlight game, this is a clone of every zombie FPS made using a program that requires no original thoughts or ideas. Honestly, there is not much more one can say about this game. It is garbage, much like pretty much the entire library on Greenlight.

Score: Zombies are SO 2013/10

Best Comment: FLYING INCA!: “Unity content pack game #56262, no thanks.”

4 comments

  1. So many people genuinely attempt to sell these piles of shit and then try to defend them.

    It would have been one thing if these were being cynically spat out en masse (some are), but a lot of these are actual lazy attempts by first-time content (let alone game) creators seriously thinking no one will notice how pathetic this is.

  2. @Mel: Yes! I’m all about supporting the little guys, but if these people have such a distorted sense of reality that they think success in the industry is as easy as masturbating with widely available software for a few weeks, they’re out of their minds.

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