News: Final Fantasy VII Is Coming to PS4

But Final Fantasy VII on the PS4 is the cure...

He sure is!

Square Enix Greenlight Final Fantasy VII Remake

When Square Enix’s Shinji Hashimoto took to the stage at Sony’s Playstation event the crowd was electric. Everyone knew what was coming, and when that commemorative footage started playing their suspicions were confirmed – the Final Fantasy VII remake was at long last being announced. And so it was that a clearly jubilant Hashimoto fronted up to the audience and, much like a proud toddler who has just defecated into his hand and now wants to share, he unveiled that remake – the same game that Final Fantasy fans know and love, with a completely remade MIDI soundtrack [made possible by the power of the PS4].

This remake is not an insignificant undertaking however, as the graphics need to be spooled into the game cartridges and MIDIs do not just whittle themselves, and so the game is not set to release until Spring of 2015. Because of this strenuous makeover the game is predictably set to retail for a slightly higher price point than other versions of Final Fantasy VII – sixteen dollars – just slightly less than the cost of the PS1 original and the PC version combined! It is all worth it though for that crisp sound quality of the superior MIDI format!

If that stroke [nay, cardiac arrest] of good fortune were not enough, Square Enix has also seen fit to bestow upon PS4 owners the gift of purchasing their very own copy of the Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Collection for the discount price of fifty dollars. The PS3 version of the game is old, and so it is worth less, but this version of the Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Collection is new, and so it is worth more of your time and money!

Immersion broken!

[PICTURED]: The unerring realism that has been put at risk by the creation of Lucky Chloe.

Tekken 7 – Unlucky For Some

This past week the internet lost its collective shit over a Tekken 7 character reveal, as the bright and bubbly Lucky Chloe catgirl character threatened to undo all of the seriousness of a game that allows one to play as a boxing kangaroo. Lucky Chloe is styled in a fashion reminiscent of Japanese Idol groups and cosplay girls, and as such is both desu desu and super kawaii. In all honesty one finds the character to be utterly delightful, and would relish the chance to see her stomp self-serious dolts while spouting ridiculous Engrish catch-phrases. Alas, this is a simple pleasure that may not be enjoyed by American gamers thanks in large part to the hysterical reaction of the internet.

Poor Chloe has been copping a shellacking from all sides. Dull internet feminists have criticised her as they are wont to criticise most any fictional woman not clad in flannel, yet they certainly do not seem to comprise the greater part of her detractors. Instead the greater part of the Chloe haters appear to be bros who’s gender identity is threatened by owning a game wherein one may encounter such an overly cute kind of character. The Tekken series has never been short on joke characters, but none have ever been so outright adorable as Chloe, which must come as a bit of a culture shock to insular Westerners.

Since the initial reveal, the internet’s butthurt macho men have refined their complaints some, so as to seem less ridiculous, ultimately coming to the position that their knee-jerk histrionics are down to the fact that the character is ‘derivative’. In a game featuring boxing kangaroos, samurai, ninjas, cyborgs, and a Bruce Lee clone it is difficult to see quite why Lucky Cloe should be singled out in this respect. At any rate, this abject nonsense appears to have annoyed the game’s lead designer, Katsuhiro Harada, to such an extent that he is considering removing the character from the game’s American release:

By the way, Are you “Western” only one bulletin board? Hello small world. I’ll make muscular & skinhead character for you.

Remember, I said We’ve more new characters and She is ONE on THEM.

[Lucky Chloe is] East Asia and Europe ‘Exclusive’. and I’ll say again. We’ve more new characters on TK7. She is JUST one of them. and She will be country exclusive (or region exclusive) character. We don’t include her for your region. That’s why I said Calm down and Don’t worry.

Nice going, fuckwads. Since when has fewer characters ever been a good thing in a fighting game? With any luck Harada will make the American’s muscular skinhead character a homosexual and really blow their minds. At any rate, the beauty of owning a region free console is that one need not be restricted by myopic dullards, so hooray for choice!

...'Throw it away and get me clean money!'

‘This money is dirty…’

[DELICIOUS]: Broken Game PC Development Has Been Held Back For Playstation Release

When Broken Game [formerly Broken Age] took to Kickstarter it managed to rake in an unprecedented amount of gullible dollars, yet despite this good fortune the project quickly burned though the entire budget [along with so much goodwill], owing to the fact that Tim Schafer is an incompetent manager. Schafer’s solution to this was to split the game in half, and then release the first part while he desperately sought funding for the second.

It would appear that Schafer has found funding for the game in the form of Sony, as the game is now destined for release on the PS4 and Vita some time in the first quarter of 2015 – at the same time as it launches for backers of the game on PC, who by that time will have waited well over a year for a game they began playing at the end of 2013. Work on the second half of Broken Game was already significantly underway at the time when the first half of the game released, yet it takes time to port the entirety of something to two new platforms, and so the game’s original backers will just have to be patient for their Playstation owning brothers and sisters.

7 comments on “News: Final Fantasy VII Is Coming to PS4”

  1. Great read sir.

    Mmm, Final Fantasy VII, never being a champion of any remake. No problem grabbing Sephiroth by the scruff & dragging him around a trophy list though :D

    Fantastic game, and not being a Steam user – would only be a pleasure to revisit this iteration via PS4. I can see the ‘remastered’ VIII following swiftly (for better or worse).

  2. A cardiac arrest of good fortune indeed. I’ll play all the other Final Fantasies again and then some Dragon Age while I wait for a proper remake or even an HD edition instead of buying this one. Great news post, SiliconNooB.

  3. Oh, my god. It’s going to cost SIXTEEN DOLLARS! AHAHAHAHAA! This has to be a trolling session that Square is having! It just cannot be real.

  4. Whoops. I just remembered that it already said the price in your post. *MISTAKE*

  5. I chuckled at the people who thought for a moment SE was actually revealing a FF7 remake. For them I’m sure this was a masterstroke of trolling. For the rest of us we at least got a laugh. And the price is indeed the funniest part.

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