Seasons Greetings to all my beloved, loyal impressionable readers! This week I decided to find three Steam Greenlight games about the upcoming holiday season. However, I could only find one. So enjoy my torment for another week and have a great Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, or whatever. I do not really care.
I think it has been fairly well established that I loathe most anime in general. I especially hate cutesy anime that usually has something to do with the player touching certain parts of young-looking girls to “teach” them something. Good thing the “Editio Regia” version of this game states that “all explicit adult content has been removed.” However, that also means that adult content was at one time a part of this game. That really should not surprise anyone, because we all know that Japan is 99% perverts and 1% Yakuza. At least, that is what movies have shown me. I have never left my room. Do not worry! The curious consumer can buy the uncensored version of this game, because apparently it is already a game being sold and this is a free version being released on Steam Greenlight? The wonders of Greenlight never cease to amaze…
Score: Anime Babe/10
Best Comment: Jagi: “weeb shit”
The Illuminati. 9/11. Alien life. Bigfoot. All famous for have multiple conspiracy theories revolving around them and all will most likely be talked about for the entirety of human existence. This game, however, will not. It is complete and utter crap that will be forgotten about in about three weeks. In fact, it is so horrible that even its creators have not posted any updates about the game in almost a year. This game allows the player to become the head of basically the Illuminati and New World Order all rolled into one trying to stop the end of the world. Which is funny, because this game makes me wish the world would end the day before it is actually released. Which may actually be the end of days, especially at the rate this game is being developed.
Score: The Stonecutters/10
Best Comment: wingzero5555: “I would love this game simply for the simpsons episode version of this. I hope it comes out”
Finally we reach the one holiday-themed game I was able to find on Steam Greenlight. Surprise, surprise: it is a a clone of an already-popular game! Honestly, I am surprised I have not seen more clones of Five Nights at Freddy’s. The only thing is that with Freddy’s, it kind of made sense to have a security guard stuck in a room monitoring cameras all over the building and managing the amount of power to use each night. However, this game has security cameras in some sort of secluded cabin and for some reason the fire goes out quicker if all the doors are closed? I do not think that is how fire actually works, but who am I? Just some jaded, cynical writer who is forced to “review” these piles of garbage based off only their screenshots, videos and horrible descriptions on Steam Greenlight. I was hoping Lusipurr would let me have one day off because of the holidays, but he is an evil, evil man…. SORRY I MEANT TO SAY HE IS GREAT AND WONDERFUL AND JUST AND 100% NOT HOLDING A SWORD TO MY THROAT AS I TYPE THIS!