Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 19

Ah, hello! Allow me to take all the fine readers on a journey through Steam Greenlight. Oh, that garbage dump behind me? That is Steam Greenlight. Enjoy.

SPOOKY! SCARY!
West Coast is the Best Coast.

Vernon’s Legacy

Okay, first off, when making a creepy, spooky game set in a possibly haunted mansion, name it something other than Vernon’s Legacy. Vernon is the name of somebody’s uncle that they do not really want to talk to or invite to family functions. Possibly the name of some hipster’s cat. Also, the name of the manor the player explores is “Dungenhof.” Like, what even is that? Something German about pooping? Get outta here, Greenlight! However, there is one shining light in this cloud of crap. The game’s description does promise a “captivating storyline.” I am sure this game’s storyline will captivate me to want to play something else.

Score: Seriously, think of a better name/10

Best Comment: Hot Pocket™: “this reminds of another game but I can’t remember the name”

Haha, get it? Because Limbo is a popular indie game, and the character here is bending backwards like he was limboing! Oh, and also because this is a shit game that nobody will play.
Wait, so is this a sequel to Limbo?

Velia

It would not be a Greenlight Round-Up without at least one game that has MS Paint-style drawings! Not only does this game have worse art than the average pre-school classroom, but it also has the most generic description I have ever read for a game. “Punch your enemies until they drop.” Ohhh! “Dig your way out with a shovel…” Ahhh! “Blow them to bit with some bombs.” Wow! All things that are in pretty much every game ever thought up by the human race. Wait. WAIT. “Whack them with the powerful staff.” Hehehehehehehe nice. NICE! Forget everything I just said. I think we just found our Game of the Year 2015, ladies and gentlemen!

Score: 10/10

Best Comment: This game had no comments when this article was written. Since it is obviously the best game of 2015, I am just going to assume all the comments were praises.

Yeah, I think the main character is crying from all the farting!
Is… is that a ninja farting up there?

Adventure’s of Ari

No, Entourage fans this is not a game about everyone’s favorite agent, Ari Gold. This is a platforming game involving a main character whose design was essentially ripped off from Kirby. Right off the bat I have a few issues with this game. First is the whole Kirby character design. I know Kirby is basically just a sphere, but this game’s developer could have done a little bit more to make them different. Second: the game involves some mystical stone owned by Ari’s dad that has magical world-changing properties blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Of course, Ari has lost this stone and some wizard like Gandalf or whatever is trying to use it to take over the world. If this stone is so powerful, why in the heck does Ari have it in the first place?! Keep that locked up tight, Mr. Ari. Last, but not least: This game looks like crap. That is really it. As we all know Steam Greenlight is crap. Everything is crap. This world is going down the toilet. CRAP!

Score: Metaknight/10

Best Comment: Dragon: “You’ve mirrored the highlights in Ari’s eyes and this makes him look creepy, like an upside down spider.”

5 comments

  1. “this reminds of another game but I can’t remember the name”

    Sounds like the depressing lyric to a ballad about modern videogames.

  2. Ari is actually JUST Kirby.

    How do these knock-off clone monstrosities get approved!?

  3. At least Greenlight seems to be staffed by someone. Has anyone looked at Xbox Live Indie Games lately? I attempted to figure out their criteria for getting a game on XBL and accidentally lost touch with reality for about six days.

  4. @Java: I wonder if I should switch over to “XBox Live Indie Games Round-Up” for a while…

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