The sad day is almost here. Our dear friend Ethan “Ethos” Pipher is leaving us to create his very own website. I think he is naming it Google or something like that. Maybe Myspace? Friendster? I feel like all of these sound familiar. I dunno, I barely pay attention to him when he talks. This is a very bittersweet day. I am sad that Ethan is leaving us, but very happy at the same time. Very happy because that means I get to spend this article making fun of him!
There are few major world events in which one can never forget where they were. The Moon landing, JFKs assassination, and 9/11 are just a few. The day you meet Ethan will become one of those. I do not remember where I met Ethan, but I feel that is because I knew him from the very moment I was born. Do not think I am special though. I think everyone at least knows of Ethan in their hearts before they meet him. However, there is always a question one asks even after knowing Ethan for years: “He is gay, right? I mean he has to be gay. Look at the way he talks and acts. He is gay!” No, surprisingly, he is not gay. Trust me on this one. Oliver Motok has tried, and failed, to get in those pants for years. Maybe one day Ethan will give in to Oliver’s persistence.
If there is one thing Ethan loves, it is Canada. He is all about Canada. He says “aboot.” He eats ketchup-flavored potato chips. He even lives in Canada! He is a true Canadian patriot. Which means he is a true American patriot, because we all know Canada really, really wants to be America. A cleaner, friendlier America. Heck, he even worked for MTV Canada, an imitation of an American television station! The real reason I bring this up is because, as we all know, America is the greatest country on Earth. Therefore, all of our non-American readers should bow down to him and his greatness (especially the ladies hehehe). In fact, you should all bow down to all of us Americans. I mean, we will most likely be invading your country in some capacity in the near future anyway. Might as well start practicing now.
Another great thing about Ethan is that he loves music. As evidenced by the picture above, he is very rarely without his iPod and headphones. I do not know what kind of music Ethan likes, and I already closed out of my Firefox tab that had his Facebook page loaded, so I am just going to assume he really enjoys One Direction. He only really likes them because he thinks Harry Styles is cute. Now, I do not know much about One Direction, other than the fact that it is some sort of boy band, Harry Styles is a member, and teenage girls/adults who cannot let go of their adolescence really, REALLY like them. Now, I am not saying Ethan is immature. Far from it. In fact, he is one of the most mature people I know. Am I saying he likes a band manufactured by the music industry just to make little girls swoon and spend their parents’ money? Yes, yes I am. I will defend this fact to the death.
In all seriousness, we will miss you, Ethan. We wish you all the best in your future endeavors and hopefully you can find the time to come back to the podcast as a special guest. Personally, I am going to miss your enthusiastic attitude, your innocent demeanor, and how much you back me up on the crap I give to Lusipurr. God speed, old friend. Oh, and can you finally send me those nudes you promised me years ago? Thanks!