Editorial: Xbox Indie Games Round-Up, Vol. 1

If Steam Greenlight is the garbage dump for PC games, Xbox Live Indie Games is basically the piles of garbage we shoot into space because we have no where else to put it. Not only are these “games” available and released, the developers have the hubris to charge for them. Even one US dollar is too much for these piles of crap. Now, these “reviews” will be a bit different than my Steam Greenlight ones everyone has come to love. Not only are there no comments to enjoy for these titles, but Xbox allows users to classify these games one a scale of one to three using the following categories: Sex, Violence, and Mature Content. I have decided to make my own classifications for these games: Garbage Factor, how old I think the developer most likely is, and how long it probably took to program these piles of trash. Enjoy.

Don't get me wrong: this is this still crap.
Pending lawsuit aside, this is actually a pretty decent recreation of the GameBoy.

RetroBoy V1

Well, this is a first for me. We have seen Minecraft, Tererria, and Call of Duty clones, but never a GameBoy clone. I fully expect this game to be taken down soon and the above link to redirect to a 404 page. Not only is this a clone of a game system, it also includes clones of games that have been cloned a million times before. Snake, Tennis and Break have all been recreated to death by every game developer to ever exist. Oh, and we also get a Flappy Bird clone, because who does not want a clone of a game that came out two years ago that caused the developer to pull it off the Apple and Google stores? I sure am glad to see this is only version one though. That means we will see more in the future! Hooray!

Garbage Factor: 3/3
Age of Developer: Since the original GameBoy is fairly old at this point, I would say 35. Which is sad.
Development Time: Like an hour. At best.

I hate anime.
Time to explore this Minecraft cave and save some hot anime babe!

Uncraft’Em All

It would not be a “Round-up” article without a Minecraft clone, would it? Not only that, but it also adds one of my other favorite things: hot anime babes! So, I guess in this game one plays as “Alex the Jetpack Guy” and explores Minecraft caves to save some anime ladies. Basically this game is a 12-year-old’s wet dream. I have a feeling that this game started just with this guy and his jetpack exploring caves and the developer got some boner while watching anime, so he decided to add the hot anime babes. Wait. I hate Minecraft clones AND I hate anime. Was this game made to torture me with? Is this how I will die?

Garbage Factor: A billion/3
Age of Developer: Since it includes both Minecraft and anime, I am going to assume like 14, but it is probably more like 25. Frickin’ weeaboos.
Development Time: 15 hours. Five hours to develop the actual game and 10 hours for fapping breaks.

I am embarrassed to even have this in my browser's history.
NO, MOM! THIS IS A SERIOUS PUZZLE GAME!

PUZZLED !!!

This is it. This is why I began writing these articles in the first place. This game was basically made for teenage boys to get a boner from, but justifying it by saying it is a real game. Even the developer pretty much admits that they did not even try while making this game. The game’s description says in this game the player is a “photographer” who takes pictures of a “sassy shopgirl” for “charity.” Yes, I know HUNDREDS of charities just itching for pictures of some busty girl in various skimpy outfits. Actually, this is basically the game version of Terry Richardson’s life. LusiPervs know him, right? The scumbag-looking photographer who takes nudes of all those celebrities and then claims they are “art.” This game basically has some CG-created girl in skimpy outfits and then adds some crappy puzzle elements to make it into a “game.”

Garbage Factor: I do not think numbers go high enough/10
Age of Developer: Again, this is basically made for 12-year-olds, so the developer is probably like 20.
Development Time: Like an hour to steal the puzzle mechanics and then probably a month to render the girl’s boobs.

5 comments

  1. A switch in platform has given you refreshed inspiration! I love the new rating system.

  2. @Lusipurr: they get worse, by far. I think Bup is easing us into the transition with these.

    @Bup: there is madness down these corridors, my friend. Do keep your wits about you. I have seen loathsome beasts for which there is no name crawl from the very code of these “games” and attempt to harvest my innards in order to leave me an empty, lifeless shell. Also, is Trailer Park King still on there?

  3. @Lusi: XBox Indie Games makes Steam Greenlight look like a gorgeous beach in comparison.

    @Ethos: Thanks! I like the new rating system too. I’m sure I’ll switch out the categories depending on the games.

    @Java: I haven’t seen that one yet, but I’ll be on the lookout for it. My next goal is to find a clone of a clone. I’m positive it exists.

  4. I second the new rating system. In fact, let us petition Metacritic to adopt it over a simply numerical score.

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