Editorial: Xbox Indie Games Round-Up, Vol. 2

Ah, yes. Another “review” of the horrible wasteland known as “Xbox Live Indie Games.” As always these “reviews” are made completely out of prejudice and without actually playing the games. Let us see what is in store for this week, shall we?

And we all know the world needs more First-Person Shooters.
The classic battle strategy of standing five feet in front of your enemy and kind of aiming at them.

Assualt Ops: Warzone

One of the worst things about the Xbox Live Indie Games is that since they are only one US dollar people will buy them and figure it is no big deal if the game is crap or not. That makes the “developers” of these games think the games are really popular and their “fans” want a sequel. That is exactly the case with Assault Ops: Warzone. This iteration of the insanely popular Assault Ops franchise adds online multiplayer (so you can find like the two other people in the worst who were dumb enough to buy this game), a NEW urban environment (most likely completely stolen from Call of Duty or Battlefield), and… wait for it…. HEADSHOTS! The fact that the original game did not have headshots should prove that this, and every game on the Indie Games marketplace, are horrible.

Garbage Factor: Headshots/3
Age of Developer: Probably some dumb college kid who made this for his dumb college friends.
Development Time: I do not even care.

Why does anime even exist?
More like Ghouls N Boobs, amirite?

Ghouls N Gals

This. This is why I write these articles. The fact that the “developer” of this game thinks anyone would want to play this is ridiculous. Actually, there probably is an audience for this out there, but they are just as ridiculous as this game. No joke: I actually got physically angry when I saw the screenshot of the girl with the blood on her glasses and her tongue hanging out trying to be “sexy.” Also the fact that the “developer” has the hubris to name this “Chapter 1” is also ridiculous. There is no way this game has enough of a story to carry over to multiple chapters. Even if it does: nobody cares, dude! I hate everything.

Garbage Factor: DD/3
Age of Developer: Anime, blood, and boobs. So, probably like 15.
Development Time: Like all anime probably 1 hour to code the actual game and countless hours drawing the boobs.

Just because it looks retro does not mean it is actually good, people!
Hmm, let me just throw a bunch of random crap in the level and then call it a day.

Mechanician Alex 2

This game is so terrible looking I do not even have to write anything about it. In fact, the description makes fun of itself for me. “Mechanician Alex 2 is an arcade platform game. Story: When Alex has finished repairing his car,a terrible monster dropped a bomb on his house.Help Alex to defeat the monster by travelling different levels ..Take key to open doors,active lever to open gate….” None of that was edited by me. These “developers” need to spend less time on their crappy game and more time in English class. I really hope Lusipurr cringed multiple times while reading that.

Garbage Factor: Retro is cool/3
Age of Developer: Probably like 40.
Development Time: Not sure about development time, but I do know the “developer” spent no time correcting his or her grammar!

3 comments

  1. You know, Bup, sometimes I think you don’t play through all of these games to completion. But surely that is not the case.

    The description from that Mechanician game makes me ANGRY.

  2. I hope Microsoft is hiding these ‘gems’ in a closet somewhere in the back of their store. I wouldn’t be surprised if they claimed they had a larger indie game archive than Sony because of it!

  3. MS at E3: “We have THOUSANDS of EXCLUSIVE Xbox One titles already available for purchase!”

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