Editorial: Xbox Indie Games Round-Up, Vol. 5

Here it is. Another slew of crappy Xbox Live Indie games. Some people do not believe these games are real, but they are. All too real. As always all these “reviews” are written without actually playing the games in question and with a 100% biased mind. Enjoy!

Ah, yes. I remember the great Air War battle where we did... stuff.
I don’t…. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be seeing here.

Air War

Here is a game where the player does… something? At least I am pretty sure things happen in this game. Apparently this is some sort of airplane dogfighting game where other players can join the game and fight against the player. Assuming, of course, that more than one person in the entire world will play this game. I have my doubts. It always amazes me how bad some (most) of these games look. Almost as if these “developers” do not really care about the aesthetic of the games. Oh, wait. That is exactly what is happening here. Honestly, it took me about a half hour of looking at the screenshot I posted for this game to realize that it is from the perspective of the cockpit. I think those little, yellow dots are the enemies? I have no clue.

Garbage Factor: Top Gun/3
Age of Developer: 15 and this is the first game he has ever programmed.
Development Time: Like a month. It looks crappy, but not crappy enough that the developer did not at least try a little.

HAHAHAHA WHAT?!
No! Don’t shoot cranberry juice at me!

Real Evil

Nothing screams “evil” like a suburban house with a cluttered, modern kitchen. Not only is this game trying to steal the Resident Evil thing with the eye behind the game’s logo, but it was made by Chris Antoni. Who is Mr. Antoni, you ask? Why, he just so happened to create that Air War game I mocked just a paragraph above! I sure hope he reads this article and reevaluates his life and his choices. In this game one plays as a video game character who has escaped the game world along with all the enemies in the game and entered the real world. What game did they escape, you ask? Who cares! It looks like some crappy version of Tron! The one good thing is how sassy the skeleton looks on the game over screen. Like, he is giving the player a li’l attitude when the player dies. I like it. Sassy Skeletons.

Garbage Factor: Sassy Skeletons/3
Age of Developer: Chris Antoni HAS to be like 15 or 16.
Development Time: Probably in the same month he developed the previous game.

Duuuh, I wonder how to solve this puzzle? Do I press all the buttons in a numeric sequence? Duhhhhh.
I bet this game is impossible without being able to count above three.

Pillar

The saddest part about these articles is that some of these games could actually be decent if they were made with studios that had a budget, and this is one of them. However, this game still looks like garbage. This is a puzzle game which involves the player controlling multiple characters to solve puzzles while on a quest to find some artifact with all the knowledge of the universe in it. The only problem is that most of the “puzzles” look like they involve just having a character press a button in the correct, numbered sequence. Basically The Count from Sesame Street would make this his Game of the Year. Even the game’s description states that all the puzzles are minigames, so I doubt there is much of a story or narrative at all. Which is not surprising since this is the XBox Live Indie Games Marketplace and everything is garbage. Oh, and this game was NOT made by Chris Antoni, so do not worry. Only two of the Antoni masterpieces exist… so far…

Garbage Factor: 1,2… wait what comes next? Oh that’s right it’s/3
Age of Developer: 22. Only some newly graduated college kid would make something like this.
Development Time: 1… 2… 3… 4… months!

5 comments

  1. The last game in this article was brought to us by the letter D.

    For Dumb.

  2. “Garbage Factor: 1,2… wait what comes next? Oh that’s right it’s/3” gets 3/3 from me

  3. I don’t know how Xbone games can look worse than shitty Steam Greenlight games.

    I don’t know HOW, but they do. These are ghastly. Truly awful.

  4. @Lusipurr: I think they operate on the idea of monkeys and typewriters figuring eventually one of these dreamy-eyed shit machines will accidentally make something good, eventually.

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