On this most celebrated of days, known as Buppenvolksfest, it is important that one step back and look to the past in effort to gain understanding of those heroes whose very existence demands tithe and worship. I speak, of course, of the origin story, where so many iconic individuals have taken that first step toward godhood, and all curious questions are answered so that the devoted will speak these names with reverence reborn, perhaps bringing a slight twinge of hope to their otherwise wretched mortal lives. In this installment, I will attempt to replicate the unquestionably ancient Buppenvolksfest tradition of the Buppenkurs Werkstatt with an onslaught of fact grenades, their pins thoroughly pulled, so that even the most insufferably pious will cultivate a refined awe for the one known only as Bup.
The typical origin story will often begin with the hero being born. Here is where Bup’s own story is unique, as he was never born in the mortal sense, instead having always been. His title of “co-creator” does not end with LusipurrCorp, but rather is applicable to the entirety of existence. Not much can be confirmed from the time before time, but it is said that Bup had a hand in those early miasmic equations that resulted in things like fledgling humans harnessing the power of fire and blazing to their heart’s content. Bup is solely responsible for the eradication of Neanderthal man by inventing lying as proof that intelligence will never withstand a good trolling. His loving embrace was the inspiration for the Snuggie, the holiest of modern vestments. He does not pet cats. They pet him.
Since all languages in existence lack the words to truly discuss just how Bup “came to be,” scholars tend to focus on his name. Coming from the Latin buppus, meaning “to back dat ass up,” Bup adopted it after becoming bored listening to people attempt to pronounce his true name, which no human tongue can physically do. Only later was it shortened to ‘Bup’ to incite further debate and confusion on social media, thus providing Bup with another few minutes of entertainment at the expense of his followers. The name slowly began to take on other meanings, resulting in the grammatically correct sentence “Bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup Bup bup bup Bup bup,” although three of those uses are considered so offensive that they are only allowed to appear in print, and never spoken, which forced Bup’s favorite musical artist, Li’l Jon, to change the lyrics of his hit to “turn down for what,” the hymn being originally intended to celebrate the staggering virility of Bup’s manhood.
As you can see, the true origins of Bup are lengthy and demanding of a lifetime devoted only to study and worship. I must end this highly informative document here to begin my yearly devotion as a prostrating lickspittle in effort to gain favor with Bup and ensure a bountiful Tinder harvest. When you, Bup Brother, are finished with your own penance, do come and share what you have asked of Bup for this year, and what you intend to sacrifice for his attentions so that we may collectively sing praises and frolic in his presence!
“Namaste.” – Bup-senpai