Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 27

Sometimes I think that Steam Greenlight cannot show me anything worse than it already has. No clones of already popular games will surprise. No RPG Maker games will look horrible and like every other one out there. However, this is not true. Every week Steam Greenlight proves that it has more and more games to show. Games that look like they were scraped off the side of a pirate ship. Steam Greenlight is the barnacle stuck to a ship that is constantly out at sea. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

X gonna give it to ya!
I wish someone would have cut my head off before I saw this game.

Poly Sword

All the people complaining about how Rust and Day Z are still in beta and play like crap should look at this game and feel lucky. Not only is this concept stolen from a million other games, but the developer did not even have the brains to finish the actual graphics in the game before posting it on Greenlight. Although the developer tries, there is nothing special or unique to this game. In fact, I am pretty sure Wii Sports Resort perfected this in its jousting mini-game. “Unlike most games the player can set the angle of the sword to break through the opponent’s defenses.” Oh, like in the Star Wars Trilogy Arcade game? You mean the one from 1998 that had graphics a million times better than this game? Yeah, I thought so. NEXT!

Best Comment: TheGhost: “Sorry, but i better play barbie.”

I wonder if the developer just thought of how to make a game that ruins Silent Hill and Twin Peaks and then made this.
Was the request to make a crappy RPG Maker game?

Silver Creek Falls: Chapter 1

The real “mystery” about this game is why it was created at all. There has also been a pattern this author has seen in RPG Maker games: all of them boast about “incredible graphics” or an “orchestrated score” and things like that. However, all of them look and sound exactly the same. One cannot have “a deep, thrilling and immersive story” in an RPG Maker game. The “story” will be exactly the same in EVERY game: some crappy-looking sprites go and fight some other crappy-looking sprites. Then the game ends in about five minutes because the “developer” is 15 and was programming the game between Call of Duty matches or watching WWE or whatever the kids do these days. One of the best things about this game is that the developer has the hubris to start a Kickstarter campaign for the second chapter. YOU ARE USING PRE-MADE GRAPHICS AND SOUNDS! YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE PEOPLE PAY FOR THIS GAME!

Best Comment: [ita]9000: “game loking a lot of time” (Author’s Note: Yes, this game IS “loking” a lot of time!)

Finally! I can destroy Greenlight and end my horrible existence!
My God… I’m in the Steam Greenlight code!

Bezarre

So, this is a game in which the player… uh… er… huh? Honestly, when writing these “reviews” this author usually skips the video trailer that is posted in the game’s description. Mostly because they always have really loud, crappy dubstep music playing over mediocre action from the game. This one.. this may be the best game to ever be posted on Greenlight. Why? Not only does the game make absolutely no sense and steals all its assets from other things, but it also has a talking toilet and seizure-inducing scenes that make kill off potential future Steam Greenlight developers. Wait, was this game created just to murder those who would do us wrong in the future? Is this game The Terminator of Steam Greenlight developers? One can only hope….

Best Comment: Dakka: “And it’s STILL here. Fuck the Greenlight.” (Author’s Note: Honestly, read the comments section of this game. There are a TON of great comments there.)

3 comments

  1. I genuinely believe these games are worse each week than those before.

    What a load of rubbish. Keep going!

  2. I don’t believe Steam Greenlight exists. You’re making this shit up!!

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