News: Barmy Konami

Just in case the trailer left you wondering whether Noct rides his Dad...
[PICTURED]: Noct and his metaphorical father face off against an Adamantoise.

Final Fantasy XV Will Release in 2016

Final Fantasy XV, the resurrected corpse of Tetsuya Nomura’s dream Final Fantasy passion project, made a small showing at Gamescom by way of trailer this week, though by the standard of game trailers it was a highly unusual one. Roughly ninety percent of the trailer consisted of a hobo fondling a small boy. The hobo in question appears to be a completely hideous redesign of Regis, Noctis’ father, while the small boy was Noct himself. This trailer was greeted with a huge wave of online hostility, mostly owing to the fact that Square Enix had previously promised that Gamescom would herald a massive blowout of Final Fantasy XV information, yet it only amounted to an odd little trailer. People had expected to see a release date for the game at the very least, but were initially given nothing despite Hajime Tabata’s assurances that an internal release date was set in stone. Eventually the acrimony became such that Tabata relented, and gave the media a ballpark release date by way of compromise:

I understand why people are feeling that way after coming to Cologne and speaking to a lot of the media, we really do get the feeling that people are a bit worried. Certainly, one thing I would like to say to them to reassure them, is that we’ve set down the release date, we know when it is, and we’ve got a complete road map lined up, right up to launch, and we’re proceeding along that as planned.

We can certainly say to people: it’s not going to be 2017. It’s going to be before that.

Final Fantasy XV will be released in 2016 [October at the earliest, one would think] barring any unforeseen setbacks. This week Tabata also revealed another main theme for the game [as though the trailer was not indication enough]: the bond between a father and son. This bond between father and son will be represented by Noct driving around in his car. literally could not make this shit up!

sort of the metaphor representing the relationship between Noctis and his father through the car.”

Is his father a Transformer?! One may be completely off the mark here, but surely it would make more sense to depict their bond through direct father/son interaction rather than through a broken down car, no? No? Well, whatever. One would certainly never wish to question the infinite wisdom of Hajime Tabata.

At any rate, Final Fantasy fans can at least look forward to the game having a good villain – the best in fact! Hajime Tabata has this week confirmed that Final Fantasy XV will feature the best ever Final Fantasy villain. Better than Kefka. Better than Sephiroth. It has been unequivocally guaranteed that no other Final Fantasy villain will be able to measure up to the one found in Final Fantasy XV:

Q: Previous Final Fantasy games had some charismatic villains like Sephiroth. Can we expect a new bad guy for Final Fantasy XV?

A:We’ve got a really good villain for Final Fantasy XV. There will be a time soon where we’ll release information about this character. He’s going to top all of the previous villains.

Being the trusting sort of publication that we are, will take Hajime Tabata at his word. We will take him at his word, and we will not forget the pledge he has made. That way if the unthinkable should happen, and the villain of Final Fantasy XV fails to “top all of the previous villains“, even if only by the slimmest of margins, then will nail Tabata to the fucking wall.

Why give something away when you can use it as a cudgel?
Pleb tier.

Can I Sell You a Problem to That Solution?

Much has already been said about Microsoft’s upcoming Elite Xbox One controller. It looks to be wonderfully upmarket, but at a massive $150 it may be a tad impractical for regular plebs. The concept around this controller has always been physical customisability, but this week it was revealed that the Elite controller would be supported by software customisability too. Anybody who has purchased a PS1 Classic off of PSN will know the joys of being able to remap buttons at will, and this is precisely what the Xbox One Elite app will allow players to do, along with adjusting the intensity of controller vibration, and storing hundreds of different controller configurations. Given that this customisation app stands to be so useful to players then what could possibly be the problem?

Quite simply, this is functionality that most core gamers would appreciate having, and there is absolutely no practical reason as to why this software could not be used to remap the buttons on the standard Xbox One control pad. The Xbox One control pad’s inability to remap buttons is an artificial deficiency maintained to sell $150 Controllers [which still require AAA batteries]. It utterly blows one’s mind the way that companies like Microsoft and Nintendo can be so mean in exploiting their customers when they are so far behind Sony’s market position that they are hardly even an afterthought. Surely a company would wish to make their platform more appealing, but no. Not Microsoft. Even the Xbox One’s newly announced DVR functionality will not be able to function unless owners first connect an external hard drive to it. Two guesses as to which console manufacturer is currently trying to sell an officially licensed 2TB external hard drive. Microsoft would sooner milk their existing customers than grow their customerbase through positive experiences.

Alternately, office furniture could do a much better job of managing the company than Konami execs.
[PICTURED]: Konami employees are sometimes made to fill the role of office furniture.

What to Do with a Problem like Konami

Rumours have been circulating for months now about the terrible working conditions at Konami, yet in reality the truth of the matter is even worse. Nikkei recently penned a report on the former video game developer, and the Konami offices sound more like a panopticon than a workplace. Cameras are installed in hallways to monitor staff movements, while punchcards are used to regulate the time employees take for lunch – with employees who take too long to eat their lunch being named and shamed throughout the entire company.

Employees who have been deemed ‘useless’ have been made to work as security guards, clean up at fitness clubs, and work on assembly lines. This is not just limited to junior staff, but has also been the case for senior development staff and producers working on big franchises. One employee announced that he was leaving the company on Facebook, and every Konami employee who liked his status was transferred around between divisions. Again, this also involved highly placed individuals.

Employees are not given their own company emails in order to prevent them from being headhunted. Employees are instead given temporary company email addresses if they are required to liaise with someone external to the company. As reported previously, Kojima’s former studio Kojima Productions had been denied internet access altogether up to the point when it was disbanded some weeks ago, and was referred to internally as ‘Number 8 Production Department’. According to Nikkei’s report Konami lost interest in Kojima once one of their mobile apps, Dragon Collection, made a ton of money from a budget of under a million dollars. The Metal Gear Solid V will also make a ton of money for the company and will be hugely profitable, but its development [along with development of the Fox Engine] has taken Kojima five years and eighty million dollars.

... Or at least something lewd!
Now, if only we could convince American audiences to watch something good…

Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection F Cleans up in US Theaters

Just like Christ the Dragon Ball Z franchise has risen from the dead to grace fanatics with a brief appearence, and in so doing has managed to edge out its nearest competition at the box office, the Shaun the Sheep movie, which is also a limited run animated feature. Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection F has previously grossed 51.7 million dollars in Asian markets, and has debuted in the US to packed houses, earning in excess of four million dollars in its first three days of release. The film could very well end up leapfrogging Howl’s Moving Castle [$4.7M] and The Wind Rises [$5.2M] to seize the position of ninth highest grossing anime film to ever release in US cinemas.

What makes this all the more amazing is that both of the previously mentioned Studio Ghibli films were distributed by Disney, receiving multiple week runs and big studio marketing in order to make their money. By contrast Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection F was given a relatively modest marketing campaign by its distributor, Funimation, and has been granted an extremely limited run, showing across 900 US theaters until the twelfth of the month, and playing just once per evening at 7PM. Funimation seems to have handled their distribution role beautifully, smartly targeting hardcore animu fans in very focused ways in order to raise awareness of the film for a relatively modest expenditure. Thus, the house has been packed nightly, and for the first few days of release screens were averaging over two-thousand dollars per day – meaning that it has not been wasting cinema real estate by showing to half empty theaters. As such the film has likely been a highly profitable venture for all parties concerned, and for Toei Animation in particular who, due to the low quality of Dragon Ball Z, were able to produce the feature on a scant five million dollar budget. When one compares that to the thirty million dollars that it took to produce The Wind Rises, then it is easy to appreciate just how profitable the success of Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection F stands to be for stakeholders.


  1. Perhaps Thelma and Louise is a metaphor for the development of Final Fantasy XV.

  2. I saw this thing on Dualshockers where the developers of XV went on what appeared to be an adventure tour of various locales. That was infinitely more enjoyable than what I played in the Duscae demo.

    Love me some Dragon Ball Z. Glad to see it back after all these years. Apparently I am not alone in that, if box office returns are any indication. Shame anime as a whole doesn’t get more of a shot in US theatres. But I imagine if more US sorts were into anime we’d have to undergo an #OtakuGate to protect the market from SJWs.

  3. I saw this thing on Dualshockers where the developers of XV went on what appeared to be an adventure tour of various locales. That was infinitely more enjoyable than what I played in the Duscae demo.

    What you didn’t see is that they ended the tour by watching Thelma and Louise over and over again.

  4. I have yet to purchase final fantasy XIII and won’t untill it drops to less than 10 bucks used on the grounds that it’s not what I want to see from SE despite still being an ok game. Seems I will actually have a good reason not to purchase ff XV at all. Thanks for saving me money Square! Maybe you will pull off the impossible and make me skip on the VII remake too! Things are looking good so far and hey if Kingdom Hearts 3 is aweful maybe I can skip the PS4 altogether!

  5. @Ashes3000: Sadly, your predictions are all-too-likely to come true.

    There are good things on the PS4, but nothing for which I would drop everything and buy the system. The one truly jaw-dropping title in my estimation (Axiom Verge) is available on other platforms.

    Bloodborne is reportedly very good, but Destiny has shat the bed pretty comprehensively.

    Tembo the BadAss Elephant is out and I haven’t had a chance to play that yet. Maybe it will restore my faith in the current generation of consoles.

  6. @Lusi and Ashes: I share your general woe for current gen systems.

    And about FF15, I saw a remark elsewhere to the effect: “What better way to celebrate a game’s 10th anniversary than by releasing it”. Oh, SquareEnix… oh Japan…

  7. And about FF15, I saw a remark elsewhere to the effect: “What better way to celebrate a game’s 10th anniversary than by releasing it”. Oh, SquareEnix… oh Japan…

    I LOLed.

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