Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 36

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to golf… in the desert? Maybe how exhilarating it would feel like be in the middle of a heart-pounding airplane dog fight up in the skies. Perhaps you wonder about those dreams you always forget when you wake up in the morning. Well, too bad because these three games TRY to show you that stuff, but then fail miserably. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Or maybe this is over some stolen Earthbound map?

The great Pallet Town War begins…

Aircraft War

“Aircraft War takes you to a world where war planes.” Where war planes… where? Where are they? WHERE?! “In this game different from other games not just the planes hit points.” Ah, yes. Not just the plans hit points. I understand completely. “There are shops in the game system.” Wait, I cannot just play this on my PC? I have to buy a new game system for it?! I am not sure this is going to get my vote. “Each time you shoot enemy planes and the money you earn points.” Can I just take the money instead of shooting it? I would much rather have the money than the points. Unless points are the currency of this world, like some dystopian Mario-themed future. “With this money you have earned can be exchanged for game virtual stores and you can buy new aircraft.” Wait, I thought you just said points, not money. Did you take my suggestions to heart? Are my Steam Greenlight Round-Up articles REALLY making a difference in this world?

Best Comment: ZedClampet: “Please don’t upload crap like this. Congrats on making your first game, but it doesn’t belong on Steam.” (I could not have said it better myself!)

Imagine playing this game... FOREVER!

Such beautiful shades of boring!

Desert Golfing

The description of this game is simply: “Golf in the desert forever.” That does not sound like an appealing game to play. In fact, it sounds awful, especially considering you would most likely die of dehydration after the 9th hole. I feel like the developer of this game just took some old screen from Worms games and added a starting point and a hole to aim for. I do not even know why someone would want to play some thing like those on a computer, as it looks like it belongs on an Atari or Collecovision. Maybe the developer is going for that whole “retro” feel the kids seem to be into these days. Maybe, more likely, the developer does not know what he or she is doing and added this game to Steam Greenlight when it is not nearly complete and has only four holes out of infinity. The developer did not even upload a gameplay video, which is required to actually have your game featured on Greenlight. I would be surprised if this entry is still available once this article is posted.

Best Comment: ZedClampet: “You’re going to be a real success in life with this sort of effort.” (Hey, I remember this guy from the last game! This comment sounds like one of the sword fighting responses in The Secret of Monkey Island.)

And learn how to tuck your tie in, boss!

Sorry, I was too busy admiring my purple suit.

No Time to Live

“This is the short game, that make you think.” Yes, it makes me think about why Greenlight even exists and why I keep writing about these games. Why can I not die? Why must I live this horrible existence. “How often we forget about our dreams? How often we forget about the things, that are really important to us? How much we can pay for our dream?” I would say… 20 dollars US? Is that enough? “I do not want to tell much about the plot of the game because the culminate and the ending are important parts of the game.” Well yeah, that is in EVERY game, but we need more information than that. Oh, wait, we actually do not. This is a crappy Steam Greenlight game, after all. “Without them this game would be just «simulator of the common day».” Sorry, my “common day” does not involve wearing a purple suit and talking to some bald guy who cannot tuck his tie under his collar properly. “But this shot story, with some mysticism, will surprise you, if you give it a chance.” No I will not!

Best Comment: Lato: “I have a RPG Maker game and this looks better, upvoting!” (This person also posted the same comment on the Airplane War game. If their comment is true, I wonder how bad their RGP Maker game looks.)

4 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 36”

  1. So Aircraft War is about the bombing of Pallet Town by the Allies during World War II?

    Desert Golf–I don’t understand at all. Getting into a sand trap and having to chip out is one of the worst parts of Golf. Why would someone make a version of Golf that is literally ALL sand traps?

    The third game looks like an episode of South Park. I wish both it and South Park would just stop.

  2. I’m not sure if these are better or worse than the last batch. The mediocrity of the games is made worse by the grammar. And of course the graphics are amazing for, you know, the era of gaming prior to my birth.

  3. @ZedClampett: Too bad no one’s ever heard of YOU at all.

    @Lato: First you better stop waving it around like a feather duster.

  4. @Lusi: I think Steam Greenlight people take a good concept, look at what is fun and not fun in the their games, and then throw out all the fun stuff.

    @Ashes: I kind of feel bad sometimes for making fun of these game descriptions, as they’re usually auto-translated from Russian and clearly not by someone who has a firm grasp of the English language. But then I remember how horrible the games look and I stop feeling like that.

    @Matt: Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

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