Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 39

Welcome… to Steam Greenlight! Get it? Like from that one movie about the transsexual dinosaurs? You know, the one with the guy who is British but he is playing an American and the other guy who is British but he is actually playing a British person? I think it is called Xanadu or something like that. This week we have a crappy dinosaur zoo game (like the movie I was referencing), a crappy puzzle game, and a crappy Metal Gear-ish action game. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias against Steam Greenlight and without actually playing the “games” in question. Enjoy!

Ah, a sighting of the rare Buissnessmansaurus.

So, this dinosaur’s inventory apparently includes a briefcase. Makes sense.

Mesozoica

Remember that mediocre Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis game? The one for the PlayStation 2, Xbox, and PC in which the player basically builds and managers a zoo full of dinosaurs. Oh, you do not? Yeah, neither do I, but apparently this crappy Steam Greenlight game is the “spiritual sequel” to that mediocre game. Even the game’s description describes it as getting boring after a bit, but wait! In this version the player can also play as the dinosaurs! Wow, I have not seen that ever. The best part about this entry is that all the screenshots show off gameplay, all the cool dinosaurs the player can raise and tame, all the vehicles and various structures the player can build to beef up the park, but then the potential voter sees the best screenshot of all: a deer. Yes, that is it. Just a picture of a deer. Just a picture of a scared deer. Just a picture of a scared deer explaining what kind of animals it will feed. That is a bit disheartening. Actually, that makes this game not get a vote from me. Not the crappy graphics, the standard zoo simulator features, or the, what I am sure is, tedious and boring gameplay. The fact that you have to feed deer to dinosaurs. Not cool, game. Not cool.

Best Comment: Mittens: “The dinosaurs look like scrotums. Improve the scientific accuracy of your dinosaur models.” (Scrotumsaurus)

Standard Unity Engine assets...

Locked In… to a crappy game.

Locked-in

“With no chance of recovery. It would be better if he dies. Perhaps they were right. In a sense, I was already dead, there are only orphaned consciousness.” That is the opening to this game’s description. If one of my loyal readers could translate this into something that makes sense, I would appreciate it. Essentially this is basically a first-person puzzle game using stock Unity assets. I can guarantee you now that there will be nothing special or unique about this game. It will play just like every other Portal clone that tries, and fails, so hard at its “uniqueness.” However, that does not mean a game has to be unique to be good. If a game is deemed “good” by most gaming conventions but does nothing to change or modify the genre, that does not mean it should not be written off as a “clone.” This game, however, is NOT good, does nothing to change up the genre, and uses your basic Unity Engine assets. Therefore, it is crap and garbage and should be forever obliterated out of the minds of anyone who comes in contact with it.

Best Comment: riggz666: “there’s no flash light, so there’s that…” (Riggz666 is always finding the positive in crappy Steam Greenlight games)

Oh, because this is a crappy Steam Greenlight garbage game. That is why. I almost forgot!

Which one is the player’s character? Why does he have a saw and a knife? Why does everyone look like a four year old drew them?

That Man

As I usually like to do with these games I am just going to quote lines from the description of this game and then write something snarky about it after. “Become into “That Man”!” Wha… what? “Become into?” Again, if someone can translate this, it would be most appreciated. “A simple man that will kill a lot of people in the name of ‘The Reaper’!” Oh, I guess that makes more sense. Wait, no it does not! “To accomplish your mission, you may need some tools like: – Your force to hide the corpses at any cost! (cut it/carry)” So, the player uses his or her “force” to hide the corpses? I think you’re going to get sued by Disney, buddy! Might want to change that name. Also, that is not a tool. Next. “- One of the five initial classes that change your game experience.” Like, what? Want to maybe give the potential voter some examples of said classes. I also have a feeling that the only thing “changed” by the classes in this game is how the main character appears on screen. Again, NOT a tool. Let us try again, shall we? “- Use your remote vision to spy the environment.” Okay, finally. An actual tool. Wait, “remote vision?” So, the character’s vision can be turned on from far away? If that is the case, who is watching something like that. Also, I do not think spy is a verb. I am beginning to think the creator of this game is not a native English speaker. “- Remember carefully where do you have free space to hide the corpses.” Uh, I do not know? Are you asking me or telling me? Maybe a locker? I did not prepare for this test. “- You are ‘That Man’ so you can change your appearance ans be any person in this world.” Wait, so why is “That Man” even killing these people in the first place? If “That Man” can change his or her appearance “ans” be any person in this world, why not just take the place of some high up official in a government and launch a nuke at random? I am beginning to think this game will not turn out that great!

Best Comment: Dragon: “‘I really appreciate your help :)’ No you don’t you’ve deleted every single comment posted so far… (Apparently the creator of the game was deleting any negative comment that was made about the game. Just shows you the amazing integrity of Steam Greenlight!)

4 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 39”

  1. No, I really am sure now: these games are getting better every week.

    Have we finally reviewed every game on the very bottom of the barrel? Are we moving on up?

  2. Mesozoica almost looks competent. And it even has a catchy name. Admit it!

  3. Honestly, I almost didn’t include that in this entry, because it actually does look like it could be good with a bit more polishing. But then I remembered this is Steam Greenlight and even a polished turd is still a turd.

  4. Why don’t you review that game that I linked to you?

    We’ll reimburse you for the $5 cost or whatever it is!

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