Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 40

Steam Greenlight is a never-ending machine. A machine that coughs out the worst games man has ever seen. Man is merely just a cog in its design. A design created by the most evil man on Earth: Gabe Newell. Please, end this torture, Newell. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Actually, you're a bit too old for me. Sorry.

Oh, pedophilia already>? Awesome!

Caligula Dreams

Straight off from the start Steam Greenlight gives us a Roman anime visual novel. I, for one, cannot wait to play as everyone’s favorite insane Roman Emperor: Caligula. Actually, the only thing I can remember about him is that he really liked sex and violence. This game seems to focus more on his most playful side. The side where he apparently daydreams about marrying someone a quarter his age. For some reason I just cannot place my finger on why this game may not do well. Perhaps because it is a visual novel? Maybe it is because the main character is incredibly hard to relate to? Oh, I know why: because it is on Steam Greenlight. As we all know, and say it with me this time, “Steam Greenlight is garbage!” Ah, there we go! The motto of these articles. “Steam Greenlight is garbage.” Whoa, I just got a crazy idea. What if, like, I am actually Steam Greenlight and all these articles are just my dreams? Whoa.

Best Comment: Tincup_the_Middleman: “Lol voted no so fast it hurt my wrist. This dev is an obvious troll.”

What is this person even buying? Chips, a soda, and a cup? What?

Yep, that is totally not suspicious.

Social Interaction Trainer

What… what even is this? Is this seriously a “guide” on how to converse in public? Is this “game” really using YouTube “celebrities” to advertise itself? Speaking of which, why does ever YouTube personality act exactly the same. Every video starts with “What’s up, everybody?” and there are really annoying fast cuts all over the place. Why do they all look like someone I would want to smack in the face if I ever met them in person? Can I blame Steam Greenlight about this stuff? Probably not, but I can blame it for this horrible excuse for a “game.” Tip for anyone stupid enough to play this game: if you need to play this game to learn how to interact with strangers, you should probably find more professional help. I can guarantee all of these “tips” end with “and then she took off her panties…” This feels like 4chan’s Random board personified into a game.

Best Comment: poot buurd: “…….if there is something here that is not obnoxious i am not seeing it”

Tuxedo Mask looks different...

Whoa, I did not know they had Sailor Moon back then!

Kingdom Caligula

Here is another Roman anime entry! Wait, this looks familiar. Did the creator of the first game in this article just post the same game twice? Oh, this is an actual game and the first is a “visual novel.” Makes sense. It is always good to have companion pieces to flesh out your game’s universe. The universe for a game that nobody will ever play. I wonder what it feels like to work on something so hard. To take so much pride in one’s passion that they post it for all of the Internet at large to view. To know that nobody likes it and all your efforts are for nothing. Sounds a bit like when I write these articles. I know that feel, bro. I know that feel… Oh, where was I? Right, this game is trash. Just read its description: “The story also has a focus on the loving relationship between Caligula and his sister Drusilla which was considered taboo at the time.” Pretty sure it still is. I really hope the developer of this does not have any sisters.

Best Comment: imboringrob: “To the dev: Don’t put any of your own money into this project & expect a return. People won’t really pay for this stuff anymore. Do it for the love of your sister if you want to, but RPGMaker stuff is not a business model.”

7 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 40”

  1. Bup, you are the Mystery Science Theater 3000 of horrible video games. Hilarious comments!

  2. This game seems to focus more on his [Caligula’s] most playful side.

    Glorious.

    What if, like, I am actually Steam Greenlight and all these articles are just my dreams? Whoa.

    Then it is our duty to destroy you.

    Why do they all look like someone I would want to smack in the face if I ever met them in person?

    Because, if you met them in person, you would want to smack them in the face.

    It is always good to have companion pieces to flesh out your game’s universe

    Yes. This is a VITAL concern for indie Steam Greenlight developers.

    To know that nobody likes it and all your efforts are for nothing. Sounds a bit like when I write these articles. I know that feel, bro. I know that feel…

    Suddenly, this article takes a dark turn…

    I really hope the developer of this does not have any sisters.

    He probably does. Hence this game.

  3. I’m still waiting on the game that teaches me how to order at Starbucks. Those size names are just so disorienting, I feel like I need daytime talk show hosts to explain it to me in fun banter and comedic situations.

  4. Two shitty Caligula games in animu style at once? There some sorta faux-hipster thing going on with Caligula I’m not aware of?

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