Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 43

We all know the virtual garbage dump known as Steam Greenlight. Full of horrible clones of popular games made in either Unity or RPG Maker. Very rarely does something good emerge from this hole. These games are NOT one of those rare occasions. This week we have a crappy “horror” game, a crappy “shooter” game, and a crappy “survival” game. As always, these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

It was about Gak and he said it was amazing.

True story: the writer/illustrator of The Very Hungry Caterpillar once read a story I wrote in second grade.

Bogeyman

No, I did not make a mistake in that title. The game is actually called Bogeyman. Not Boogeyman. Bogeyman. This title makes me think of mucus, which is fairly appropriate for a Steam Greenlight game. Apparently this game involves the player trying to fend off the Bogeyman by using light as a weapon. Also, apparently the player is a new resident to this room and has been left a note about the monster from the previous tenant, which is a fairly stupid plot device. Why would the previous tenant not tell anyone about this? Why not just have the previous tenant “mysteriously die” to make the game just that much more spooky? Why am I asking these questions when I know the answer has something to do with Greenlight and the developer not knowing how to properly plot out the story to his or her game? These are questions that we may never know, as this game will never be talked about again. In fact, this little paragraph is most likely the most time anyone has ever spent on this game, including the developer. This is one of those games that Pewdiepie or Markiplier will play just to get some views from their scare-cams. Speaking of the note, how old is the main character? Supposedly the previous owner of this room left a note warning future occupants about the monster, but the room seems to be full of child toys. How old is the player character that he not only has the mental capacity to understand there is a monster and fight it off, but he also has toys and posters a five-year-old would have? Oh, wait. Steam Greenlight. I almost forgot.

Best Comment: Prodigal Son: “Based on the trailer and description, the game is basically Fnaf 4 with a generic monster and promises of extra content to justify similarities.” (Yep! Steam Greenlight at its finest!)

This game is the worst.

This screen shot gave me a headache.

COBRA – Out for Justice

Wow, another game in the same style as HAMMER! I cannot wait to play it! What’s that you ask? What is HAMMER? Good question, because I also have no clue. The developer just made sure to say that this game is in the same style as HAMMER, but I refuse to Google this title to find out more. This is information that should really be in the game’s description if you want to list it as a feature. It seems like all the player does in this game is run around and kill/destroy everyone and everything that he or she sees. This is all done in very blocky graphics and give one a headache after about five minutes of looking at this piece of garbage trash. Upon further review of this entry it seems like the “developer” of this game claims they have the rights to the HAMMER assets when, in fact, they do not and are just lazily creating a game by stealing the art and graphics. This really should not surprise anyone as Steam Greenlight is basically the Mos Eisley Cantina of videogame developers. I challenge all three of my readers to find any original idea on Greenlight. I claim it is impossible.

Best Comment: sKumbag70 (aka Chips): “Why does Steam allow this crap on Greenlight? Oh yeah thats right they get $100 from everyone that wants to get in.” (Again: yep! Steam Greenlight at its finest!)

SAVVY: the only game that makes me NOT want to play games. width=

You would be SAVVY to stay far away from this game!

SAVVY

Here is the game’s description, copied straight from the Greenlight entry, with my little, HILARIOUS snarky comments in between. Honestly, this entry mocks itself. “Be SAVVY,…” Nice use of the game’s title there. Very clever. Do not overdo it, though. “…collect resources to craft all you need, in a multiplayer environment, which will be shaped by your input/ideas.” Huh, sounds like something I have played before. Like maybe DayZ, Minecraft, or Terraria. Maybe soon we will see what makes this game unique? “SAVVY…” Okay, you did not have to do this twice. We get it. We get the joke. “…is developed by an INDIE company of 1 developer.” Not sure why you had to capitalize “indie,” but I guess it was really important to you at the time. “It is another ‘survival game’ but the focus is the collection of materials and crafting.” That “but” does not belong there. That is what EVERY survival game ever focuses on. “Comments and new ideas for the game are very welcome.” Wait, why is the creator of this game asking us to give him ideas? Is that not his job? “In game voice chat is available.” So you can talk to the one other person who will ever play this game, aka the developer. “Start with 1 hatchet, 1 bandage and 2 pockets, be SAVVY…” STOP! “…to build a house, weapons and others.” What “others?” Other items? Other people? You need to be a bit more specific here. “SAVVY…” OKAY, WE GET IT! THE NAME OF THE GAME IS ALSO WHAT THE PLAYER HAS TO BE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE! YOU DID NOT HAVE TO DO THIS “JOKE” A FOURTH TIME! “…will be an alpha release and the input from players will help to shape the game.” Nobody will play this crap.

Best comment: Rufus: “At the moment this game looks utterly terrible. No weapon recoil, textures are horrendous and the menu looks confusing and clunky.” (Sounds like a normal Steam Greenlight game to me!)

2 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 43”

  1. Bogeyman: Oh well, it actually looks semi-competent in execution. But why is the rug reflecting light sources…?

    COBRA: Dev stole the assets, stole the rights, both Steam and the dev make money. How is this even remotely legal?

    SAVVY: And we’re back down the shitter again. Pure trash. Absolute, pure trash.

  2. Honestly, Bogeyman doesn’t look HORRIBLE, but I know it is because it’s on Steam Greenlight.

    I’m surprised that the entry for Cobra hasn’t been taken down yet.

    And yes, Savvy does look like utter garbage. Like someone took DayZ and removed all the fun parts.

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