Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 44

In the year that I have been writing about Steam Greenlight games I am always amazed at how bad these “games” actually turn out to be. They are so bad I do not even classify them as “games,” hence the quotation marks. In fact, I have just come to the realization that Steam Greenlight is, in fact, a terrorist plot by North Korea to destroy the rest of the world’s morale. Is this true? Only time will tell. I, for one, welcome our new North Korean overlords. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Can't wait to play complete darkness mode!

It’s always good to include a completely black screenshot.

Release

Apparently this game is basically just a virtual hide-and-seek game. You know, the game you play with your friends, in real life, outside. The game that would be incredibly boring if it is played in a digital world, as one team is basically just standing around waiting and the other team just walks around looking. The developer of this game has such high hopes that he or she not only set up an IndieGoGo page, which has raised $0 as of the writing of this article, and some of the donation perks are special Release-themed iPhone or iPod cases and t-shirts. As of the game is going to get SO big people need to show off their fandom with their phone cases and their own clothing. I can guarantee that the only people who will play this game are the developer’s friends who told the developer to make this game and are now regretting this horrible, horrible mistake. I think my favorite part about this entry is that the developer tried to be “creative” by taking the well-known phrase “you can run but you can’t hide” and made it “you can hide but you can’t run!” How amazing!

Best Comment: Dragon: “‘Whatever ever kind of gamer you are, Release can fit.’ I suspect the exact opposite is true.” (My thoughts exactly!)

Steam Greenlight!

Hmmm, do you think people will like a crappier version of Portal?

Torque

One of my favorite things about Steam Greenlight is that 90% of the “games” on there are just clones or ripoffs of other, popular games, but they always claim to do something “different” than the game they are copying. This is rarely actually true. This game is just a Portal clone but with worse graphics. Here are some of the “new” and “different” things Torque claims to bring to the table: “the main gameplay mechanic consists in rotating objects with red surfaces” nothing new yet. “You can use this power to create platforms to walk on, remove obstacles, or, more interestingly, to gather speed by using centrifugal force” pretty sure ALL physics-based games do this already. “You will have multiple ways to complete most of levels, some of them will only require reflection, some others a little more skills and timing” again, just like EVERY other puzzle game in existence. “The entire experiment is time-limited, and you’ll be able to get out of this place only if you complete the last test chamber fast enough” so if you mess up early in the game you cannot finish the game and have to start all over? I will admit that this is a new feature, but that is mainly because no other developer has been dumb enough to include it, as it is a horrible gameplay element. “EACH FAILURE will count : when you die, another test subject will take your place and restart from your last checkpoint, but the countdown won’t be reset. You choose yourself where your checkpoints are, but their number is very limited!” That first part was done by Portal 2 in the co-op mode. As with the previous “feature” this is stupid and will make people NOT want to play your game. “There will be many secret zones, that will require lots of skills and observation to reach. Maybe you will find out what this place really is… or find shortcuts at least.” Secret zones are in pretty much ever game ever. Here is my guess about “what this place really is:” a garbage dump.

Best Comment: Squadalaxd®: “Horrible” (Wow, another user perfectly channeling my thoughts!)

Man or woman? You decide!

That is what she said.

Sickness

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes people should not be encouraged in their dreams. Such as in this case when someone who had just played Chrono Trigger and watched a lot of Dragonball Z decided to make an anime visual novel. Perhaps this person should have taken a few more, or at least one, art classes before designing the art. Seriously, look at that gun in the first screenshot. It looks like someone taped a couple chapstick tubes to a remote control. Also, apparently the characters watch someone get a colonoscopy at one point. Not really something I want to see in my games. Steam Greenlight also requires a video to be attached to every entry, so this entry is probably going to be taken down before this article even goes up. We can only hope that actually happens, so the world is spared another crappy anime game.

Best Comment: DeadFingers: “Get up, come on, get down with the sickness and while you’re at it get out of Greenlight too. UNLESS you have some actual gameplay footage to show, because for all I know this could be just a bunch of mockups.” (My original “review” was just going to be these lyrics until I saw this guy’s joke. He pulled it off SO much better than I could have.)

4 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 44”

  1. Man, just looking at the screenshot from ‘Release’ takes me back to horrible memories of N64 middleware. I do not long to relive that particular era.

  2. The second one has been greenlit in a few days btw. It seems that Steam users love Portal ripoffs ^^

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