Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 45

I do not know how much longer I can go on. Steam Greenlight has finally taken its toll on me. It has destroyed my spirit. I now only see the world in RPG Maker graphics. Steam Greenlight has won. The battle is over….. Or is it? As always, these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Haha, seriously What does this even mean?

LOL, what?!

My Name is Addiction

Why these people keep uploading visual novel “games” to Greenlight is completely beyond me. Nobody wants to play this crap. Greenlight is full of garbage as it is, but these are like the ultimate garbage. If Steam Greenlight was a boss fight in a video game, the visual novel category would be the extra boss at the very end when the player thinks he or she is done with the game. Except it is not fun. Nothing about these is fun. This is about some dumb pornography addiction. According to the game’s description this has been on Steam Greenlight for over 860 days. Yes, that is over 2.3 years on Steam Greenlight. Over two years of nobody caring about his game. Over two years of thinking this is actually worth consumption by the masses. Over two years of being blind to the truth. The developer even goes so far as to say he took it down once because nobody “understood” his project. No, we understood it alright. We understood that it is a piece of garbage. Dear developer of this game: please stop. Nobody wants to play your dumb visual novel about some guy who cannot stop yanking his crank. Just deal with the fact that you made a crappy game that nobody wants to play. Use it as a life lesson and try to make something that is actually decent. Just stop submitting this game.

Best Comment: Dragon: “This was bad the first time you submitted it. It certainly hasn’t gotten any better this time around. No thanks again.”

This is not the future I was promised...

Apparently the future is Unity Engine graphics.

Future Simulator

One of my favorite parts about this job is to make fun of foreigners who cannot speak English. I think it is the true American in me coming out. I always love when they write the game’s description in their native language and then use Babel Fish to automatically translate it. Here is the “English” description of this game: “A character who were living a normal life but curious about everything…” Why would this person be curious about their normal life? Why does this even matter? “And, what do you expect? A portal suddenly appears in front of him,…” Well I definitely did not expect that! Give me more warning next time, game! “…after he goes through the portal he enters a world where all the time is all together, past and future.” I can guarantee if this happened the human mind would not be able to comprehend it. This person’s brain would explode. “To return his home he has to gather all the materials required and create a portal. Create a portal and return to your home!” How does he know how to create the portal? Did he create the first portal? I thought it just kind of showed up. Wait, is this some Sliders fan fiction the developer decided to turn into a game? Oh wait, this is Steam Greenlight. This game is garbage. THAT is why it makes no sense. Wait, why is this game just called Future Simulator if both the future AND the past are there? Unless in our future some sort of cosmic even occurs and all timelines are combined. What does this game know that we do not? We need to get Doc Brown on this one.

Best Comment: TyroneTheChief: “I FUCKING LOVE THIS GAME! OMFG! I AM SOOO FUCKING HIGH OFF SNORT RITE NOW AND IT FEELS SOOO F|UCKING GODO !Let ME PLAY IT!!! WHEREIS THE DOWNLOAD BUTAWN?”

I just want to eat her up! And then spit her out. And throw this game in the trash.

Awww, my character in this game that I do not understand is so CUTE!

Manong

I tried to understand this game. I really did. Not only does it look like garbage, but the description is written in broken English that makes no sense. Here is the description: “A ancient story about manong. Manong is a nickname of programmer in Chinese.” How long has China had computers that this story can be considered “ancient?” “It means coder monkey,a person who is writting program in front of a computer all the time. Since 24 Oct is the festival for all programmer(2^10=1024).” Oh yes. The famous “October Coder Festival!” I celebrate it every year! “This game is just for the only funny.” Yes, very much “for the funny.” I feel like Borat wrote this. “You can also use WASD to control your actor.” Oh, I can “also” use those controls? What other controls did you mention? How else would I control my “actor?” Wait, is this a game about acting now? I am so confused. “Actor kill enmies to upgrade it’s title level.” Oh. That… still makes no sense. Huh? “The title from lowest to highest is a very funny word,it’ can be cto,ceo,boss…” HAHAHA SO FUNNY! I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AT THE WORD “CEO!” HAHAHAHAHAAHA! “At last your title is boss.” Why is this the “ultimate” title? I would think CEO would be the best. “When you get the highest level title, you may keep on killing , after you killed 1024 enemies, your level will be back to the lowest.” Then why would I go that far? Just kill 1023 enemies and stop playing. Actually, better yet, just do not play this game at all. “The assets are comming from unreal engine 4.Thanks to Epic.” I have a feeling this is not true. Just based off the screenshots I have seen. “Happy to 1024 festival:)” Yes. Happy to the 1024 festival. Very happy to it indeed. “Ejoy!” O…okay. Thanks?

Best Comment: Karl Pilkington: “your english is so confusing. is this the quality of english we can expect in your game?” (All of my Karl Pilkington fans will understand why this statement is hilarious.)

2 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 45”

  1. I take back everything I said about these games getting better each week.

    Sludge. Nothing but sludge.

  2. Maybe I should start assigning you games to review. I think even if I picked the worst things I could find, they would still be better than this stuff.

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