Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 46

They year is 2584. Steam Greenlight has completely enslaved humanity. Some work in the RPG Maker factory, some in the Unity Engine factory. The biggest group is in the Minecraft clone factory. A few of us have escaped and now fight against Greenlight and its army of crappy games. We have lost many friends. Lusipurr was killed early for his love of JPRGs and hatred of RPG Maker. His loss was not significant in any way. As always these “reviews” were written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Maybe you should have gone with The Room AFTER the Room Beyond.

The hope the Room Beyond does not have this game.

A Room Beyond

As a huge fan of old point-and-click adventure games like The Secret of Monkey Island and Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis this game offends me. Not only does it look absolutely disgusting, but it is a Steam Greenlight game. Not that there is anything wrong with a pixel art game like this, but that sort of art style can be done well. This game is NOT done well. This game looks like it was thrown together in about five minutes and then flushed down a toilet. A baseball stadium toilet, full of pee, puke, and poo poo (tee hee. Poo poo!). Why did the developer of this randomly throw in 3D assets? It just makes an already bad-looking game look worse. One thing the developer needs to remember about making this type of game is that the player kind of has to be able to SEE what is happening on the screen to be able to play it. It does not work when everything looks like one big, blurry pixel.

Best Comment: Karl Pilkington: “good lord that is some terrible pixel art. makes lucasarts games from 1992 look good. And makes games that do pixel art well, (like the Blackwell series) look stunning.” (I somehow DOUBT this is the real Karl Pilkington.)

This game just makes me think of Farmville with Minecraft added.

WOW! Something like this will NEVER happen in the actual game!

CubeWars

It just would not be a Steam Greenlight Round-Up without a Minecraft clone! Not only is it a Minecraft clone, but it is also a clone of Ace of Spades, which is basically just a Minecraft clone with guns. The Greenlight entry actually lists this game as “Minecraft-like.” It is always good to actually advertise that your came is basically a ripoff of another better game. Oh, and this is also a Facebook game. Yes, you heard that right: someone is trying to get a Facebook game on Steam Greenlight. If that does not prove how worthless Greenlight is, then I do not know what will. In fact, to prove the worthlessness of this title even more, the Greenlight entry has no actual gameplay screenshots or videos. Just pre-made CG that is pretty much guaranteed to not look like the actual game. Just throw the Master Chief and Rambo in there and you have the perfect recipe for copyright infringement!

Best Comment: Zarrex: “Garbage idea, no content to show, tiny generic description, and uploaded by a person who hasn’t even set up their steam profile. OKAYLETSDOIT”

... or he/she was trying to do some crappy pirate accent.

I can’t tell if the developer does not know how to spell…

Final Warrior Quest

As longtime readers of this series already know, this author hates RPG Maker games. He also hates humor that is random just for the sake of being random. This game combines both to be, possibly, the worst game on the Steam Greenlight. This game boasts a stunning “4-8 hours of gameplay,” “Original music,” and that “purple cats are enemies!” Haha so random and funny! I have a feeling that this game actually lasts about five minutes, mainly because that is as long as anyone will be able to stomach playing this. I still do not understand why anyone would think RPG Maker games should cost any money at all. Oh, and there are some random fire trucks driving by! Haha so random! Hilarious! This game is the worst.

Best Comment: DrArchon: “RPGMaker trash.”

8 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 46”

  1. I can’t understand what is the minecraft attraction, clone or no clone.

  2. They year is 2584. Steam Greenlight has completely enslaved humanity. Some work in the RPG Maker factory, some in the Unity Engine factory. The biggest group is in the Minecraft clone factory. A few of us have escaped and now fight against Greenlight and its army of crappy games. We have lost many friends. Lusipurr was killed early for his love of JPRGs and hatred of RPG Maker. His loss was not significant in any way. As always these “reviews” were written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

    This is by far one of the best things you have ever written for the site.

    I dunno about the first game on the list. The pixel art isn’t truly amazing, but actually it isn’t really terrible either. I’m actually kind of favourably impressed that someone would create a game with 1990s Sierra-style pixel art.

    And you’re wrong: I’m sure that is the real Karl Pilkington. Just look at his name!

    Cube Wars is a crock of shit. Anyone who uploads anything remotely derived from Minecraft should be taken from their home, in the night, by a bunch of men with Minecraft masks. Gagged and bound, they should be bundled onto a plane and flown out of the country. Arriving at their destination–a dimly lit, cool, damp underground chamber, they should be given a handful of Lego and told, “Now build.” There to remain confined for all eternity.

    I sure am glad that RPGmaker exists. See above, except without the Lego bricks, and with daily floggings from an angry scotsman.

  3. The real Karl Pilkington made a Twitter account to say he doesn’t want to use Twitter. However, I can definitely see him browsing Greenlight.

    It’s not RPG Maker that I hate, it’s the attitude of the majority of its users. After spending maybe five hours with the software, they deem themselves experts and crank out some pile of shit with a story containing feels a 14 year old self-proclaimed poet would find acceptable. Or they’ll try to use humor that only their shut-in friends find funny ultimately failing to realize that all the jokes they made in mom’s basement were driven by a devouring lonely sadness brought on by futile attempts to create a world where they feel like they “fit in.” Most of them don’t even bother to attempt creating their own resources, using either stock nonsense or swiping from the forums without any due credit. The driving force is some flaccid understanding of RPGs in general because they’ve played a few Final Fantasy games on some emulator and, knowing just enough to be dangerous to themselves and the community, somehow came to the conclusion that this shit is easy. Ultimately, it all adds up to a notion of somehow getting paid for masturbating.

    I’m not ashamed to say I have 160 hours clocked with the software. In the end, it is more robust than what these idiots who defecate all over Greenlight with their vapid projects and false expectations. Even after working with it for 160 hours, I’d still never consider myself an expert, and thus have produced nothing beyond some experimental “scenario games” to test Ruby scripting and whatnot, and even if I had, I would never expect someone to pay for my work. There are so very few in the community that feel this way, yet they are the ones producing games worth playing and even fewer have gotten lucky with getting a little compensation for their work.

    I’m all about opening up DIY-style game-making capability to everyone, but not before we make sure anyone wishing to call themselves a “dev” while using this software understands that unless they plan to devote a minimum of 1000 hours into development, there is no reason they should expect anything but laughter at whatever they produce, and even that is contingent on the quality of resources and writing. This, in my opinion, is where RPG Maker fails, doing so by using a tagline that says a child can do it. It does nothing but attract people who are, essentially, children.

  4. Pardon the errors and forgotten words, I keep getting interrupted at work.

  5. @Lusi: I agree. The first game does not look horrible, but I just can’t stand how the developer combined the two graphic styles. That is what makes it ugly to me. If they had just stuck with the pixel graphics, this game would not be in this article.

    @Java: I joke about hating RPGMaker, because just like you I do not hate the software but the people who think they can take the pre-made graphics and get people to buy their game. Many titles have proven that you can make an original looking game in RPGMaker and it will be worth buying. Undertale is the first one that comes to mind.

  6. I feel like people forget how actual 8-bit games look and instead make it a point to have games seem SUPER ugly in order to capture that good ol’ retro feel.

  7. @Java:

    “After spending maybe five hours with the software, they deem themselves experts and crank out some pile of shit with a story containing feels a 14 year old self-proclaimed poet would find acceptable. Or they’ll try to use humor that only their shut-in friends find funny ultimately failing to realize that all the jokes they made in mom’s basement were driven by a devouring lonely sadness brought on by futile attempts to create a world where they feel like they “fit in.” Most of them don’t even bother to attempt creating their own resources, using either stock nonsense or swiping from the forums without any due credit. The driving force is some flaccid understanding of RPGs in general because they’ve played a few Final Fantasy games on some emulator and, knowing just enough to be dangerous to themselves and the community, somehow came to the conclusion that this shit is easy. Ultimately, it all adds up to a notion of somehow getting paid for masturbating.”

    DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING! WINNER! WINNER!

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