Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 49

It has been kind of surreal spending the past few days “reviewing” these games, because I have been playing Fallout 4 at the same time. It is weird to go from playing a really good game that keeps me enthralled for hours on end to just looking at this horrible Steam Greenlight games that make me wish videogames were never created. I would rather fight a legion of Deathclaws than spend even a minute longer with these titles. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Wow, the use of shadows and boringness is amazing in this game!

It’s always a good idea to showcase a screenshot that is so dark you cannot see anything.

Farmer Instinct

Have you ever wanted to play a game that is just a simulator of boring farm life? Have you ever wanted to play a game that will make you fall asleep about 15 minutes into it? If so, then Farmer Instinct is the game for you! In this game you take control of a lowly farmer trying to make his or her way in the world. All while fighting off other players for the little resources and land available to farm on. Only the strongest will survive the dangers in this world! What “dangers” you ask? Well, pretty much nothing other than normal starvation/dehydration and other players. This game should be renamed Life Simulator because that is basically all it is. There are no zombies, monsters, or really any other dangers to worry about. I guess this would be the perfect game for some antisocial shut-in. You know, your basic Steam Greenlight supporter. All that being said, I will give this game some kudos: this is probably the first survival, first-person open-world game that does not have zombies or is a complete clone of Minecraft. It still looks like garbage, though.

Best Comment: ChaoticPesme [FR]: “No music + footstep sounds + flashlight… Are you sure it’s not a 1st person horror game? I never imagined that a farmer’s life was so bleak…”

Resident Evil: Saturday Morning Cartoon

This is straight out of Resident Evil.

Arctic alive

No, I did not make a typo in this game’s title: the Greenlight entry does not capitalize all words like it grammatically should. This seems to be another foreign language game (most likely Russian, am I right?!) that was badly translated to English. Here is the description and my hilarious, snarky comments: “Arctic alive — simulator with elements of horror.” Okay, but simulator of what? Life? Living in the Arctic? Some of these screenshots look like they were taken from the alpha version of Resident Evil: Code Veronica, so maybe a simulator of that? The graphics are cartoony, so I am going to assume it is a simulator of “Saturday Morning Cartoons.” “The action takes place in Siberia, near the research station ‘Arctic’.” Oh, so it is not even inside this research station? Well, that is a bummer. A research station in the Arctic Circle of Siberia? I bet there was some shady stuff going on! Oh well! “There was something in what is necessary to understand the player.” Wha-what? Usually I can decipher bad English. This sentence though, I have no clue what it is supposed to mean. “Throughout the company,…” Wait, what “company?” This is the first I am hearing of this “company.” Is it Wal-Mart? Are we fighting Wal-Mart in this game? If so, sign me up! I want to roll back that smiley place to before he was born! “…the player must take care of themselves, maintain health,…” Those are both the same thing, but okay! “…provide food, adapt to the environment.” Provide food for who? Yourself? The environment? We need more details here! “Frost in the -50 ° C can be more dangerous than bears!” Well, thank you for that fun fact. Not sure what it has to do with the game though. Oh, and check out that bear’s face in one of the screenshots. It makes me think that our character has the ability to talk with wild animals and the bear is just saying a friendly “Hello!”

Best Comment: Mr. Businessman: “The Sims: Horror Edition.”

Seriously, what?!

Hahahahahahaha what?!

Pantisy

I-I do not even know what to say about this game. It seems to be some sort of clicking game, but then there is that lady with no pants on and everything else is in Russian. Why would anyone make this? Why would anyone make this and then show it off to the public? Why would anyone make this and then spend $100 US to show it off to the public? I know I say this every week, but this is probably the worst game on Greenlight.

Best Comment: goku1552: “she looks like a Second Life reject.”

3 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 49”

  1. Every week, Bup turns out sentences that are crafted from spun gold.

    “It is weird to go from playing a really good game that keeps me enthralled for hours on end to just looking at this horrible Steam Greenlight games that make me wish videogames were never created.”

    Farmer Instinct is pictures of farms with a poorly-made HUD on top, right?

    Arctic alive: “Is it Wal-Mart? Are we fighting Wal-Mart in this game?”
    Yes. Yes you are.

    Pantisy: ” but then there is that lady with no pants on and everything else is in Russian”

    Enough said.

  2. I almost did not include Pantisy on this list, because it is SO bad. But that is also why I decided to include it.

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