Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 52

Wow, can you believe it has been a whole week since you last looked at some craptastic Steam Greenlight games? I sure as heck cannot, because I spend every waking moment of my life looking at these piles of excrement. Maybe for Christmas Lusipurr will let me out of my cage so I can finally see my family again? Maybe if you all clap hard enough and wish, he will hear and it will melt his icy heart. Probably not, though. As usual these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Or pop myself in the face so I hopefully forget ever seeing this.

I’d like to pop the person who made this right in their face.

Tater Popper

So, this is a game, I guess. It is basically just an arcade shooting gallery game, but instead of bullets the player shoots potatoes. Also, somehow the graphics look worse than the arcade shooters of the early 1990’s. In fact, the potato projectile looks more like a Twinkie or a piece of crap than the vegetable it is supposed to be. My favorite part about this entry is that the developer mentions his name many times in the description (Yeah, we get it. Your name is Justin Herman and you made this game.), which I definitely have to give him credit for. He must have really high self-esteem. I guess that is a good thing in this day and age, what with all these kids and their Instagrams and Twitters and FaceBooks. You know, back in my day we did not have all that. No sir. The best we had was MySpace or Live Journal and we LOVED it. It was really had to post pictures that looked good or find your friends, but anything was better that Friendster. Ugh.

Best Comment: Npc01: “reminds me of the free games they put on your computer when you buy a new computer in the 90’s”

A machine gun that has its ammo capacity displayed on the side. Wait, what?

Ah yes. The famous horror movie troupe of shooting zombies in a well-lit corn field with a machine gun.

Weekend Drive

This game is SO full of itself. How can I tell that? Just look at the screenshots. It looks HORRIBLE: bright colors and lights everywhere, blocky textures, almost no physics to speak of. However, the maker posted like a million screenshots showing it off and has the most “full of itself” description ever. Here it is: “Welcome to Weekend Drive, a relaxing drive through a city…” Yeah, I do not know about you guys, but every city I have driven through is NOT relaxing. “…being smashed by meteorites…” TOLD YOU SO!!!! “…or being chased by a giant zombie…” Okay, sorry. I just had to jump in here for a second. This is an open letter to both Indie and Pro game developers: STOP THROWING ZOMBIES INTO YOUR GAMES! Nobody cares about zombies anymore. We have been so over saturated by zombies coming at us from all angles that I bet if a zombie apocalypse did occur, half the world would be unfazed. Oh, and no: I do not care about what you would do if a zombie apocalypse happened. Please stop asking to tell me. “…or just jumping a canyon.” I am not sure why he ended this on such a let down thing. This should have been the first one he mentioned. “Jackscepticeye played Weekend Drive and thought it was awesome. See video above.” Cool. I bet this would make sense if I knew/cared who that is. “Download a playable build from IndieDB. Link to the right of this page.” I have a feeling this link will never be clicked. “I have lots of game modes in mind and below is just a bit of what I’m thinking.” Yes, then the maker starts to list like ten other “modes” he wants to put into the game. Yeah right. Like anyone will care.

Best Comment: giles.haydon: “Downvoted based on the fact that you got that annoying Irish lets player ‘Jacks septic eye’ to play it” (There were like five pages of comments that all said pretty much the same thing.)

What is even happening here?

Yep. I am already confused.

Let’s Play Simulator

So, this game… um. Yes. Yes, this game… er… you… do… I have no clue what you do in this game. It seems like the player takes the role of a Let’s Player and lives that life. That horrible existence of always being “on” and making annoying videos. You know, I used to think that Let’s Players were the worst thing ever. A majority of them are annoying and unfunny. I feel like they would be really obnoxious to be friends with off the Internet. Then I saw this game. Now I beg to hang out with a Let’s Player. Anything is better than this game. It is pretty obvious the maker did the least amount of work possible on this game. Look at the screenshots and you will notice the game screens are bordered by a crappy looking computer and monitor. This computer looks like the developer did a Google image search of “CRAP CUMPOOTER” and picked the very first image he saw. Also, take a look at the background behind the computer. It seems like this is set in a coffee shop or a library. Who does a YouTube video in a library? Again, the LEAST amount of work. Then, there is the screen of the white kid trying to be “ghetto,” some dumb looking “scary” witch face or whatever, and the screenshot the maker stole directly from Doom. Least. Amount. Of. Work. Ever.

Best Comment: brandino: “I am ashamed that I live in a world where this exists.”

4 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 52”

  1. Yet another great Steam Greenlight Round-Up! Can’t these Russian guys rip off a good game, like Mega Man? Or can you not do that with Unity? Will there ever be a program like RPGMaker, except SideScrollingPlatformerMaker? Has anyone made a game called Wine Simulator? Okay, goodnight.

  2. I am ready to donate $500 to making Let’s Play Simulator an even bigger success than it already is.

  3. I cannot wait to see you play these games on Saturday. What a load of old shit.

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