Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 56

Wow, the first Greenlight Round-Up of 2016! Maybe this can be a turning point for Steam Greenlight. Maybe this year some actual GOOD games will show up on there. Just kidding! Steam Greenlight will forever be crap. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

I wish I could leave myself behind when playing this.

Wow, I can’t wait to READ my game!

Buried: An Interactive Story

You know what I am tired of seeing in my games? Cutscenes! I would much rather read about everything and just click an arbitrary choice every once in a while than actually PLAY my games! Oh, my sarcasm does not translate over text? Well, I think all my readers know whatever I am about to talk about is complete garbage. Yes, this is an “interactive story” that the developer is trying to pass off as a game. It is not a game. It should not be on Steam Greenlight. The game’s description boosts the fact that it includes “stunning photos,” but every screenshot shown looks boring and generic. Oh, no! Another dirty, narrow hallway! I have never seen that in anything before! I am STUNNED! Again, I hope you can sense my sarcasm. The game’s description also mentions that there are no pauses or waiting during the playthrough. Which means the game is either SUPER short (most likely this is the case) or you will have to hold your pee pee in for a long time. Just do not drink any water while playing this. In fact, just do not play this game at all. Just read a book.

Best Comment: ♠SM♠ Rita Benjamin: “wouldnt buy”

420, am I right? Hehehehehehe!

Yes, most weed plants grow inside a living room while just hanging around at random.

iGrow Game

Hey, you know what is cool? Smoking weed! That is cool! Hehehehehe! #420!!!!! This is a farming simulator game, but with a twist: in this game the player is farming….. WEED PLANTS! WHOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!! How edgy! I think the most noticeable parts of this game is that not only are the plants some horrible looking generic Unity engine assets, but the weed growing rooms just seem to be random living rooms. The plants are not even organized in any way. They are just kind of standing around doing nothing. The last time I checked you need to keep those plants at a specific temperature for them to grow properly. You also do not want to grow them in an enclosed living room, a greenhouse or something similar is needed. So this really is not a sim at all. It is just someone trying to be edgy by adding weed to an already over-populated game genre. Also, it seems like everything we can see in the screenshots is everything there is to do. There are no dangers of the police or the feds raiding you if you grow too much at once. The player just walks around in a building full of weed plants and takes care of them. Sounds like it would be incredibly boring, unless you are high. Maybe the developer of this game was high when they were making it?

Best Comment: Gas mask TV thief: “420 blaze it scrub”

Or at least to the spiked punch bowl!

Let’s conga our way to the exit!

Conga Master

“A ridiculously fun conga dancing arcade game.” This is the first line of this game’s description. This is the first LIE this developer will tell us. There is no way this game is “fun.” “Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga, I know you can’t control yourself any longer!” More like I cannot control my bowels or gag reflex while playing this game. “…beware of stinky pigs disguised as cool clubbers…” Wait, what? When did pigs get thrown into all this? Why are there pigs in the club? How did they get there? Why are they there? Why are they being hated on so much if all they want to do is dance? These are questions I have a feeling will never be answered. “Conga Master was prototyped in 3 days for the Ludum Dare competition.” I have two jokes for this line: 1. I DARE you to delete this game out of existence. 2. I have played a Ludlum Dare game before. It was horrible and the characters had no faces. I expect this game to just as bad, if not more so. If that is not enough mockery, here are two lines that contradict each other: “Tons of fun for a ridiculous price (around 3$!)” and “You can download it for free!” So, which is it: free or $3? These are questions that nobody cares about, because nobody will play this garbage.

Best Comment: MechuL*: “please add turkish wedding musics :D”

2 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 56”

  1. Buried is a perfect example of a game made by a pseudo-‘artist’, who doesn’t understand the very medium in which they want to profess that they have ‘artistry’. Garbage.

    The iGrow developer thought, “Whoa. Weed is cool. Anything involving weed is cool. I am cool.” This is the result of that series of wrong assertions.

    With regard to Conga Master, at least I have a little respect for someone who has come up with something that is new.

  2. Legal point of order: you absolutely can grow pot in a living room, and many weed grow houses are simply converted single-family homes. Typically, growers will hang plastic sheeting and seal off AC ducts to reduce the odor escaping in the hopes of foiling investigators, but the telltale giveaways are usually (1) power usage (for all the lights) and (2) excess heat.

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