Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 57

Welcome to another amazing installment of Steam Greenlight Round-Up! There is nothing special about this article or these games. They are all crap. All of Steam Greenlight is crap. All of life is crap. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Let the waves part so I may make another crappy Steam Greenlight game!

So, is this like a Moses thing or something?

NoserLand

This is the best rat meme game I have ever seen. In fact, it is the ONLY rat meme game I have ever seen. This is a game in which the player controls a rat in some dumb kingdom or something. I think some of the other residents have discovered a conspiracy concerning the queen of this dumb kingdom. I bet she is a dumb rat too. I fully blame that Bad Rats game for inspiring this pile of trash. The graphics on both are very, VERY similar to each other. Which basically means they both look like garbage. Seriously, knockoff cartoons that were made in Soviet Russia looked better than this game. This game looks like it was outdated in 2002. Also notice that all the character look exactly the same, except for their clothing and hair. They all have the same nose, same eye color, and same weird goth eyelashes. I guess The Cure influenced this society’s fashion choices. I think my favorite part about this entry is the fact that the screenshots the developers show are meant to entice the reader into voting for the game. However, the developer here has picked the most boring, dull screenshots possible. Which means that either the developer is an idiot or the game is just that boring. Actually, I vote for a third option: both.

Best Comment: Varivox: “This looks like a Greenlight submission that is about a year away from being ready for a Greenlight submission!”

Except for troll face....

Wow! All my favorite memes!

Bitardia Cards: Memes of 2ch

This is like the perfect storm of crappy Steam Greenlight games: Russian, a card game, and memes. Apparently this is a card game is based off some Russian 4chan knockoff. I am not really sure why all the characters have boxes for heads. Actually, I am not really sure why this game was made at all. Maybe the game’s “english” description can explain everything. “Based on Russian imageboard culture…” Wait, image boards have culture? I have been to a few and I know this is not true. “…and game Bitardia – http://store.steampowered.com/app/405010. The game represents the noncommercial parody…” Actually, go to the link in this description to see the game being “parodied.” This is not a parody. This is a complete copy. Not really surprising, considering it comes from Russia. “…is another popular card game, i.e. game will be completely free and without donat.” Good, because nobody in their right mind would buy or “donat” to this game in the first place. “The game has multiplayer.” So all the ten people who have access to the internet in Russia can play together. Cool. “The screenshots shows not the final version, the number of cards will increase.” Oh, but the graphics will not? Too bad.

Best Comment: brandino: “God damn it Russia. Stop voting for shitty games just because it’s made by a Russian. At this point I just want a video game crash to happen in Russian because Russian’s REALLY suck at making games. Seriously Russian’s just suck at making video games. Russia needs to stop trying to make a good video game because they can’t. They just can’t.”

This looks like the opening to every bad porn ever created.

Yeah, I’m totally going to fap in an unlocked room on my bed that is DIRECTLY facing the door.

30 Seconds to Fap

The veteran reader of this series of articles may think this would end up being my favorite game ever. This is a game in which the player must spam their mouse button to “fap” before one of their parents interrupts the process. The player does this over five (yes, FIVE) increasingly difficult levels. Apparently there is a story to the game too, but I doubt it goes past your parents just thinking you need a girlfriend. The game also “features” a survival mode, in which the player has to constantly fap until their mother randomly walks through the door. Sounds like SO much fun! The game’s description also makes it seem like those who played it on GameJolt, where the game was originally released, loved it so much that it touched their hearts. In fact, they probably played it just to make fun it. Dear developer, they are laughing AT you, not WITH you.

Best Comment: the_tricky: “We already have a crappy fap sim on steam, not even counting the dozens of free ones on the internet”

2 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 57”

  1. I think I said that I thought these games were getting better every week.

    I now retract that statement.

  2. Alright, I seriously laughed aloud reading this one. By the time I got to 30 Seconds to Fap I had put my coffee aside to avoid spitting it at the screen again.

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