Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 58

Welcome to Greenlight Round-Up for another week! This week Lusipurr has forced me at gun point to bring you some of the worst games you will ever see. In true Lusipurr fashion the gun he threatened with me looked like it was stolen from Elmer Fudd’s personal collection. I did not really feel threatened or in danger. It was more funny that anything else. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Dang, a whole 30 FPS?!

Yeah, I don’t know why this game was made either.

Astella: Happy Runner

Are you ready for the most lies every told in a Steam Greenlight description? Good, because here are a few examples of those lies! “Do you like using logic to solve problems or adventure games?” Well, yeah, but I have a feeling that none of that matters with this game. “This is not enough!” Not… not enough of what? What is not enough? I am already very confused. “You also have to trample your opponents and escape from them through the maze.” Oh, cool! So I bet we get to play as a huge, hulking beast of some sort! I cannot wait! “An amazing game with a new and impressive atmosphere and unique characters!” Nope. None of this is true. “The game that gives unforgettable pleasure.” Whoa. Uh. Well, this is a little awkward. I mean…. you HAVE had sex, right? I cannot believe that playing this game even MATCHES to amount of pleasure gathered from getting laid. “Who is Astella? Astella is a young and happy boy…” Okay, let us just stop right there. Earlier the description mentioned the player gets to “trample” the enemies, and now the description says the player controls a “young and happy boy?” This does not seem to match up at ALL. “…a thought in your own head…” Okay, let us stop just one more time here. Is this description trying to say that this is all made up? This is all just a fantasy inside the player’s head? Does the player have some sort of mental insanity? Do WE have some sort of mental insanity? Probably, considering I look at these games every week. “…in an adventure confronted by a multitude of enemies for which he must escape and rescue hostages and solve problems hes faced with.” Just like real life! Oh, and this is not mentioned in the description, but the player character is a starfish. Yep!

Best Comment: Spooky: “200% trash.”

I think I got a hairball logged in my throat just from looking at this picture.

What a beautiful man….

Daddy of the Year

“You play as drunk and very angry dad in the dysfunctional family. You come home drunk again and your goal is to destroy your flat, find every member of your family and beat the out of them before your alcohol level reaches zero!” Wow, sounds like a cheerful and fun game! Domestic and child abuse is always something that should be mocked and taken lightly. It definitely does not cause any lasting effects on the victims, both mental and physical. Either the person who made this has absolutely no sense of decorum or they made this just to be “cool” and “edgy.” According to the game’s description the player can beat up their family in both poor AND rich households! What amazing replay value! Oh. Oh wait. “P.S. This is a satirical game with irony and it doesn’t mean to offend anyone. It was created only for entertaiment purposes,” (sic). Oh, so this IS a joke. Nevermind, it is cool, everyone! Go back to your normal business of still not playing this garbage.

Best Comment: Malidala: “Is this supposed to be funny?”

Yes, this is not confusing and horrible at all.

Yes, I fully understand what is happening in this picture.

Zombie Killin

This is just another crappy shooter about zombies. The graphics are horrible, the art is horrible, the gameplay is (probably) horrible. There is nothing redeeming about this game at all. I do not even feel like making jokes about it. This game is SO bad it sucked all humor out of my body. I know I have said it before, but I will say it until the day I die: STOP MAKING ZOMBIE GAMES! Unless you work for a big developer and are able to add something new to the franchise, just STOP. The last really good zombie games were the first Left for Dead game and the third Dead Rising game. The rest are mediocre at best. If we all make a pact to stop making these games, then the world will be a better place. A place with less garbage. A place with less Steam Greenlight. A place of love and peace.

Best Comment: Winters_Beer: “More like left for shit”

6 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 58”

  1. In true Lusipurr fashion the gun he threatened with me looked like it was stolen from Elmer Fudd’s personal collection. I did not really feel threatened or in danger.

    My blunderbuss *will* put a hole in you if you are standing close enough and not moving.

  2. Last week’s offering, while awful, were at least amusing to some degree. These? These are just sad.

  3. How hard would it have been to give that dad a cylindrical cigarette? The ceiling lamp looks kind of cool though.

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