Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 59

I guess the only good thing about being locked in Lusipurr’s basement while he forces me to write these articles is that I do not have to go outside in this cold. Even though the basement is already freezing. All Lusipurr has given me is a small blanket that barely covers my feet when I lay down. Which is fine, because he makes me sleep in a cage that seems to have been made for a giant dog. I still do not have to deal with the weather, so whatever. As always these “reviews” were written with 100% bias and without playing the “games” in question.

I cannot wait to play in these vast and interesting worlds!

Wow, so interesting!

Top Down Destruction 5

This game is pretty much the epitome of crappy Steam Greenlight games. Generic vehicles stolen from someone else’s hard work (probably). Check. Environments that are incredibly dull or barely existent. Check. A title that makes no sense (Why is this game called “Top Down Destruction” when the camera angle is in third-person?). Check. Game play that is not entirely a fleshed out game, but more of just a concept for a mini-game. Check. All the player does in this “game” is to use a vehicle to shoot other vehicles. This game MIGHT be fun for about five minutes at the very most. Supposedly new “characters” (I would assume this means vehicles? This game is kind of confusing.) will be added every few weeks, but I have a feeling that plan will be scratched very, VERY soon in this game’s launch. I am not really sure why the developer is even showing the game off in the form it is now. This looks like test footage for a high school kid’s computer class final project.

Best Comment: Lord Licorice: “Please return with a finished game.”

What is even happening in this game?!

Yeah! Let’s fight this harpy with our music!

Fight Your Music!

Hey, remember those rhythm-based game where you click or tap on a circle in time with the beat, like Elite Beat Agents, Rhythm Heaven, or Theatrhythm? Yeah, those games were fun. What if you got to add your own music to the game and the battles were generated using this music? Sounds cool, right? I know I would be into that game. What if I told you the graphics look like they were drawn on a 12 year old’s school notebook? Oh, and those awesome battles that are created by your own music? Yeah, they are now really dull and boring. If all this still interests you, then I am going to call you a moron and tell you to stop reading these articles. The screenshot attached to this game pretty much sums up the whole game. The player clicks the circles to the rhythm of their own music and then sometimes makes pre-set dialogue choices. I think my favorite part of this game is the art. I mean, look at that harpy in the picture. I would not be surprised if that face was based off the developer’s least favorite teacher. I do not even have to really make fun of this game. It does that itself.

Best Comment: Crimson of Rose: “So, it’s theatrhythm without graphics, yeah? I’d play this game for two minutes if it were free and get bored of it. Really feels like a newground game.”

I look like a real adult, right Mom?!

The guy on the left looks like he stole a marker to draw his beard.

Love in the Glen

Veteran readers of these articles know that I HATE anime games with a passion. They always have crappy art that looks exactly the same, the gameplay is always either some dumb “interactive novel” or from RPG Maker, and the dialogue is always stupid and boring. This “game” does not disappoint. Just read the first line in the game’s description: “‘Love in the Glen’ is a romantic otome visual novel/dating sim with a fun interior design minigame.” That is the most buzzword-filled sentence I have ever read. I would not be surprised if Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock wrote this line. Let us keep reading: “Follow in the steps of Zoe Richardson, an interior designer living and working in Los Angeles’ exclusive and stylish Westside, as she explores the true meaning of love, commitment and passion and how it exists on so many different levels and planes.” What? “Different levels and planes.” What does this even mean? Is this some sort of Scientology game? “Dialogue and story in the style of films by Nancy Meyers e.g. ‘Something’s Gotta Give’, ‘The Intern’ & ‘It’s Complicated.'” I am not really sure bragging about how your game’s dialogue is based off mediocre romantic comedies is something I would recommend. Wait. Never mind. This game IS good. Here is the proof: “High quality anime art style.” I apologize. The art is not crappy or generic or dumb. It is “high quality.” 10/10 game.

Best Comment: Karl Pilkington: “you can’t have high quality art style and Anime, it doesn’t happen.”

4 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 59”

  1. I’d like to see a visual novel (or point and click adventure) inspired by movies like Boyz N The Hood and Menace 2 Society. Get on it!

  2. These definitely look like high school coding class projects that should have never made it into other player’s hands.

  3. That third game is not anime. It’s those awful online dolls that people make.

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