Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 60

Wow, Steam Greenlight sure does suck, does it not? Well, that is all of an intro I have for now. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Where's Ron Pearlman when you need him?

War truly IS hell…

Project War

So, this is basically just some crappy tank fighting game. It looks like the developer of this game made it in about an hour. Let us see what kind of new “features” this game will bring to the genre (Pssst! I bet it is nothing!)! “Eliminate all enemies in all levels.” Right. Standard stuff so far. “Get Ready to control a Tank. Some difficulties can happen” (sic). Wait, what kind of difficulties are we talking? Gross ones? If there are gross ones, then I do not want to go! I do not want to war! “If you like a military style, join us.” Is this, like, a sex thing? Is “military style” some sort of sex act? If only Ethos was still around. He would probably know, because he is a big ol’ PERVERT! OWNED! “To Have Peace, The War need Comes.” Dang, this is a pretty good pick up line! I am going to use this one the next time I go to the bar.

Best Comment: SlayerCoon: “It’s like world of tanks if it were made in 1998 on a $100 budget.”

I think I bought some bad weed.

I don’t even know what’s happening here.

Candice DeBébé’s Incredibly Trick Lifestyle

This one… this one is a little hard to explain. It seems to be an RPG of some sort about a British girl trying to capture a singer who stole her friend’s tanning salon? The description is very confusing, as it jumps from a really bad written impersonation of a Brit to text acronyms. Sometimes using both at once. Just read this example: “Aight? I’m Candice innit (that’s me up in the photo, the biggest one as I am well important)…” I am SO confused. “…and this is an Action RPG all about the incredibly trick lifestyle of me and my m8s!” Wait, what does that mean? No, I know what “m8s” means. I am talking about “trick lifestyle.” What is a “trick lifestyle?” According to Google it means something about being… how can I put this delicately… a WHORE. Yes, this game is about being a prostitute in England. At least, that is what I can surmise from one Google search that took ten seconds. The game also seems to think that having over “2 1/2 hours of voice acting” is something to boast about. Maybe add about ten more hours and then we can talk.

Best Comment: Hot Tits McGee: “I like how there are only two voice actors, who have no talent/experience. I also like how it looks like I’m not going to have fun at all and how some of the character designs are creepy as hell.”

Very cool and funny meme.

Cool. Very cool.

Rock simulator 2DDD

This game is just a meme about a rock from Russia. Who frickin’ cares?

Best Comment: HellblazerHawkman: “I don’t understand what the game is”

8 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 60”

  1. Holy shit we are diving down faster than a lift with the cable cut. This isn’t bottom of the barrel–we have gone through the bottom of the barrel, through the floor, and are currently on course for the centre of the earth.

  2. Yeah but is that accurate even? I mean eventually we’ll hit the center of the earth and fly up the other side- a little charred but no matter. I think it only works if a black hole suddenly spawns.

  3. I don’t understand how a game including the name Candice DeBébé could be a disappointment.

    I am in shock AND awe.

  4. You know, the more and more I think about it, things like Early Access were a mistake. We continue to push developers to push out garbage earlier. Sure, these examples are from people that haven’t taken any time to study anything relating to good game design, but in general, the idea that a developer can put together some pre-alpha Unity tutorial, call it a game, and charge money for the “effort” only continues to encourage this behavior. Steam really needs to enforce some quality control in this area if Greenlight is going to stay relevant. Sure there is always going to be crap being pushed, but it shouldn’t be constantly outnumbering the good.

  5. Being from a poor family, it was not uncommon for my mother to take a very young me along with her to the Goodwill outlets. There you could find what would be referred to as the discount toy bin. These typically included one armed He-Mans, legless GI Joes and Transformers who’s transforming days were far behind them.

    Reading this article has accurately recreated the feel of a six year old me diving into one of those bins.

  6. Before the past couple articles I just picked three random games to make fun of. Now I actually go out of my way and make sure the games are as bad as possible before I “review” them. Speaking of which, I have an AMAZING (meaning “horrible”) game to stream on Saturday.

  7. I just wanted to come post here to say that Mario’s Nightmare (Nintendo Nightmare?) was one of the best streams I have ever seen. Keep up the brilliant work.

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