Yes, the rumors are true. My birthday IS this Wednesday. Please, no. You do not have to applaud for little ol’ me! Haha, oh you guys! I guess I might as well get on with the bad part of this week: the Steam Greenlight Round-up. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.
“Einlanzer is an epic RPG in the classic 90’s JRPG style. Written by fantasy author Andrew Ryan Henke.” Full stop. Right there. That previous sentence was copied directly from the game’s description on Steam Greenlight. Sounds like a great game, eh? Too bad it is an RPG Maker piece of crap on Steam Greenlight. Oh, and that “author” Andrew Ryan Henke? Let us do a quick Google search and see what this “author” has written. Absolutely nothing. A couple self-published books on Amazon. The biggest hit I got was Google thinking I wanted to search for Andrew Ryan from Bioshock instead. Here is some more from the description: “Einlanzer has a unique,…” Nope. I can guarantee this is not true. “…engrossing storyline,…” Again, no. “…highly strategic battle system,…” What is strategic about the standard RPG Maker battle system again? “…and difficult moral decisions that permanently affect the storyline.” I hope one of those will be to permanently remove this game from history.
Best Comment: Lato: “It’s not the engines fault this guy has no skill or talent….”
…why? Why do people keep making crappy Minecraft rip offs? Why do they ever think they will succeed? Nobody ever will. Just stop. This game also has the utter gall to call itself “unique” and that it sports “realistic graphics.” So, now the developer is just lying to us? Is that even allowed? Does Steam Greenlight have a police force? I feel like it should have its own police force. Maybe that is me? Am I the first line of defense? If so, I am doing a horrible job of it! Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh, right this craptastic game. It sucks. Waht else can be said?
Best Comment: skull_trumpet.gif: “Just because you put unchanged UnitZ assets into some other asset pack doesn’t exempt you from scorn.”
What is with Steam Greenlight and these “simulator” games? They never actually simulate anything. This game is a “simulator” of handshakes. Specifically handshakes that those of the “bro” persuasion would perform. Oh, and this game pushes the “bro” in your face. The game’s description alone uses the word “bro” 22 times. This is also basically a four paragraph section, so that is pretty significant. Oh, and because this is Steam Greenlight, there is just random gore thrown in there for absolutely no reason. Really horribly drawn gore. Oh, and do you want to cringe even more than you already have? Yeah, I know you do. Here is another amazing quote from the description: “Enjoy being bro alone or with your best bro.” If that is not the most cringe-worthy thing I have ever read, I do not know what is.
Best Comment: NawTee: “Oh boy, the shit even put near greenlight is depressing”