Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 62

It seems like my entire life is only made up of the damp walls of Lusipurr’s basement, the chains he uses to strap me to my desk, and the crappy Steam Greenlight games he forces me to look at. My only hope is that one day I will escape from this hell and live my own life. A life where I work in a cubicle, sit at a computer all day long, and look at spreadsheets and data. What a wonderful world that would be. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

I guess the royalties for that last Avengers movie didn't pan out like he thought.

A medieval Iron Man ponders why he is in this game at all.

Possessed

First off, I will be honest: this game looks like it would not be ABSOLUTELY horrible, like all else of Steam Greenlight, but there are two things holding it back: it is on Steam Greenlight and the developer is like 12. Remember all those “cool” pictures that one alt kid used to draw on his folders during middle school? The art in this game is 90% comprised of those. Giant, impossible-to-wield weapons, random princesses with huge racks, and “funny” spins on the traditional fantasy troupes (making potions from TEARS?! Hilarious!). Also, this would not be Steam Greenlight without someone making a story that nobody ever wanted or asked for. Apparently this game is a “continuation” of the Little Red Riding Hood story, complete with unnecessary gore, magic, and swear words! I guess Little Red Riding Hood gets possessed by some evil god named “Dark Lord Assrabbit” (Again, hilarious!) and she has some fake magic spell book that is in every fantasy movie/TV show/story ever. This game just reminds me of a crappy version of MDK.

Best Comment: Mad Tweek: “And I voted down. Pure balance, pure balance… :)”

Someone please come pick up your child!

Why… why is that baby here?

Welp, this sure is a game alright! I mean, not one that anyone in their right mind would ever want to play this pile of garbage. Especially since it is meant to be played using the Oculus Rift. I guess this is a game where the player just drives a car around a “table-top” and crashes into things? Oh wait, I remember this game when it was called Burnout, and it was a billion times better. Except for Burnout: Paradise. That game was fun, but the whole open world thing kind of ruined the point of having events. Especially since the player had to physically drive in the game to each event and could not easily pick them from the menu. However, that game is still much, MUCH better than this piece of Greenlight garbage. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh, this garbage Greenlight game. This game looks like a demo to show off the Oculus Rift hardware, not a game itself. This is something that should come free with the Rift. Maybe not even free, they should pay YOU to play it. I am also pretty sure I have seen the assets used in this game in a bunch of other crappy indie games.

Best Comment: girlfoxgirl: “Who is the target audience for this game? A baby in the logo, the title, and the gameplay of playing with toy cars- I would guess children? Is VR really the best method for this? I wouldn’t let a child handle the expensive equipment of a VR headset and this looks too childish for me to play myself.”

LMAO!

LOL!

Fart Blackjack

This is it. This is the best game on Steam Greenlight. Look, I know I have said that once before. Maybe twice or three times, but this time it is 100% true. Just check out the game’s description: “Finally, the type of blackjack game you have always wanted to play.” Truer words were never spoken. Let us read the rest of this amazing, wonderful game’s description! “Bet money and try not to go over 21.” Okay, standard blackjack rules so far. “If you lose or go butt,” Huh? “Go butt?” I do not know what that means, but I LIKE it! “…you will fart.” Hell YES! This game already gets a 10/10 from me, and I have not even played it! Game of the Year right here, baby! “If you run out of money, you may diarrhea your pants !” …I did not think this game could get any better. Then the developer throws in DIARRHEA?! Possibly the funniest of all poop jokes?! Be still my beating heart….

Best Comment: Varivox: “Sad thing is, this is actually pretty good for Greenlight…. F*** you Valve, f*** you….”

3 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 62”

  1. A life where I work in a cubicle, sit at a computer all day long, and look at spreadsheets and data. What a wonderful world that would be.

    Bup, it is my duty to save you from yourself.

    (making potions from TEARS?! Hilarious!)

    Is this a not-so-subtle dig at ‘Lusipurr’s Potion of Tears’ on the dining hall menu? Because think how much worse it would be if you didn’t have ANYTHING to drink.

    Especially since it is meant to be played using the Oculus Rift.

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope!

    Fart Blackjack. This is it. This is the best game on Steam Greenlight.

    We’re done here.

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