Editorial: Barbie, Savior of Video Games

In a once-beautiful industry that is now seemingly being destroyed by an overabundance of micro-transactions and censorship, there is only one hero who brings light to a darkening realm, Barbie. Throughout the years Barbie has refused to change for any demographic as she has already mastered almost every profession and instead goes on her own adventures where she proves her resilience in the face of adversity. Truly, Barbie stands for more than just womankind, but instead gamers everywhere with her copious amount of titles did not have to change in order to pander to social-justice warriors.

Meanwhile her hair looks like it contains enough product to kill a baby elephant.

She looks like the perfect candidate to be a pinup in a video game themed edition of Playboy.

The first game this editorial will focus on is simply titled Barbie, a Commodore 64 game released in 1984 that lets the player see the life of Barbie from a more candid perspective, not unlike the television show, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” excluding the fact that Barbie has talent. Now, upon launch the game treats the player with a downright pornographic image of Barbie lounging on the screen, letting her hair down after a long day of dealing with her boyfriend Ken. Once the game picks up, the player realizes that they have to help Barbie pick out an outfit for her date with Ken, these outfits of course range from slutty dolphin to Amish abortionist. After picking out Barbie’s outfit the player is finally rewarded with an image of Barbie and Ken on a date looking as though they had just undergone surgery to make their heads look like Lego pieces and their anatomy to be wildly inaccurate, this surgery is known in the medical realm as the “Imitation Inbred.”

She also looks a lot more ethnic than she usually does so she might have gotten a tan prior to appearing in this game.

Barbie’s hair looks like she strangled a poodle and decided to wear it as a fashion statement.

The second game this editorial shall examine is also named Barbie which is such a creative title it reaches the edge of genius. Released on the NES in 1991, Barbie is a 2D platformer with level design so creative it rivals that of Miyamoto’s greatest creation. Rather than a bland “Getting Ready for a Date” simulator, Barbie dares to go where no Italian plumber has ever gone before, shopping. That is correct, Barbie goes to three awe-inspiring worlds known respectively as, Mall World, Underwater World, and a Soda Shop. Of course, the objective is much different from its predecessor as the main goal is to collect pieces of the perfect outfit in order for Ken to take her to the Fantasy Ball which is completely different than some mere date as she is DREAMING this encounter. As an interesting side-note, this game in particular was the victim of heavy counterfeiting at the time, which makes perfect sense given its high quality and brilliant game design.

Now to the right is a tree that gives the subtle hint that it might contain the souls of the damned.

Barbie looks like an obese burn victim who underwent liposuction and was then incorrectly fitted with a different woman’s face.

The last and most important game that will be covered in this editorial is Barbie Horse Adventures: Mystery Ride”, which is the second title in the collection of “Barbie Horse Adventures.” A PC title released in 2003, this game forces the player to endure searching for a horse through logic puzzles, horse riding, and being able to survive the downright demonic character models the game provides. Common Sense Media had the audacity to describe the game as being “amazingly realistic” and “satisfying to play”, keeping in mind that this review was written in 2003, this is still undeniable bullshit. The game is just a travesty so it is recommended that readers play it immediately after finishing this editorial. Be warned though, as Common Sense Media also points out the key fact that “some parents won’t like the fact that Barbie wears such form-fitting clothes” which is nice-speak for “Barbie dresses like a downright dollar store whore and your child will too after playing this game.”

So, what do you think of Barbie’s contributions to the video game industry? Have you ever played/survived a Barbie video game? Make sure to leave a comment below to let us know what you think!

8 comments on “Editorial: Barbie, Savior of Video Games”

  1. I played through the NES Barbie game with my girlfriend once because she remembered it as a kid and wanted to see it again. It was actually a bit challenging in that NES platformer sort of way. I will reiterate that too; it was a NES era platformer game with weird shit like ice cream sundaes flying at you that would damage you; not a fashion or lifestyle simulator. Also not good, but of course. We also did this old Genesis game called Greendog The Beached Surfer Dude which I have never heard mentioned anywhere else in my life.

    Speaking of which, I will be requesting Barbie NES as part of the Summer Funraiser.

  2. @DancingMatt: We also did this old Genesis game called Greendog The Beached Surfer Dude which I have never heard mentioned anywhere else in my life.

    That’s Adeki’s next review scheduled. Thanks!

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