Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 64

Wow, we finally made it through February and here we are at the very beginning of March! At least, I THINK that is today’s date. Lusipurr does not give me a calendar here and the basement dungeon has no windows. I could easily have been here for years without knowing. Oh well! Let us just make March 2011 the best March we have ever seen! As always these “reviews” are written without actually playing the “games” in question and with 100% bias.

And that size is not a mistake. It was uploaded like this.

This is seriously the only screenshot with ANY color.

Boo!

I am not even sure where to begin with this one. Let us just read the game’s description and see if we can figure it out together. “You put him…” Okay, hard stop right there. Who is “him?” Also, who is the player controlling? A doctor or nurse? We really should not expect to know actual important information in these Greenlight games. “…in a psychiatric clinic strict regime and severely beaten for repeated suicide attempt…” Yes, the best way to treat someone with suicidal tendencies is to beat them. Good doctoring there. “…and for the murder of his wife Lucy.” Oh, well now the beatings make sense! “You have to get out of the clinic and take revenge on all those who contributed to your capture…” Wait, I thought WE were the captors? Unless the controlling character changes? Kind of like the beginning of Metal Gear Solid 2. “…and for cruel izbeenie himself a native.” What? Who? What…. I do not even care anymore. “Solve puzzles, find the keys to the door and look do not be afraid of what you would get in the way to do it all.” Okay, I cannot even grasp what this last part is meant to say. Honestly, I do not even want to try!

Best Comment: Rasen: “What an appropriate title. Because it’s what the audience is saying as well.”

The times before the Great Chair Wars of 2040.

The Chair looks on at his empty, family home and remembers the good times.

Chair Simulator

Yet another Simulator game to come out on Greenlight. This was kind of, but not really, funny back when Goat Simulator came out, but the meme died very soon after that. I mean, Goat Simulator was pretty fun for a couple hours, but there was not a lot you could do with it. Kind of like when you see a boobie for the first time, or, in Pierson’s case, when he finally sees one for the first time. I am not sure what else to say about this game. The player walks around as a chair and collects coins for some reason. Are there upgrades one can buy with said coins? Who knows? Who cares? I would be surprised if this game was still posted on Greenlight by the time this article goes up. In the meantime, go play a good game. I picked up the re-release of Pokemon Red that just came out for the 3DS on Friday. It is still lots of fun and brings back a lot of nostalgia from back when I first played them. My sister and I both got GameBoy Colors and Pokemon Red/Blue for Christmas that year. I took Blue and she took Red. I still remember the day I finally caught all 150 Pokemon, including the legendary ones and Mewtwo. What a great day that was… what was that? Oh, I should be talking about this crap game? HECK no!

Best Comment: SubUmbra: “Please try a new fad.”

Just kidding! My heart of full of hatred for Steam Greenlight!

The world is as empty as my heart.

Beacon of Hope

Another RPG Maker pile of garbage! What “new” and “innovate” features does this one promise? Let us check the game’s description! “Beacon of Hope is a classic ATB-style RPG with a difficulty level that promises a challenging…” NOPE! “…yet rewarding…” NOPE again! “…take on the classic formula.” Meaning “I do not have any real ideas, so I am going to steam from every Final Fantasy game ever.” “Featuring a host of characters…” None of which you will care about, because they will all be your typical weeaboo garbage personalities. “…optional areas and side quests…” None of which you will play, because nobody will even care enough about this game to play the main story “…and a branching storyline with over 10+ total hours of gameplay…” None of which you will get through, because both RPG Maker and Steam Greenlight are garbage. Two negatives do NOT make a positive. Unless you are in math class. “…follow Corwin Ambermoon…” Seriously? That is what you are going to name the hero of this “epic” quest? That sounds like a rejected name from The Hunger Games. “…on his quest across the land to try and stop the traitorous King Bellmare from destroying the world of Five Realms. Can you be the Beacon of Hope?” NO!

Best Comment: Lato: “He’s only been using RPG Maker for 8 days and thinks his game should be on Steam!!!!!???”

5 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 64”

  1. This is some wack shit. I’m kind of surprised at seeing people still commenting on games like there is a possibility that Greenlight should be taken seriously. When, if ever, has it produced something serious?

  2. That first screenshot blows my mind.

    Just when I thought we had reached rock-bottom-incompetence, we find there is another sub-basement beneath it.

  3. The really tragic part is that the first screenshot still looks a lot better than previous ones featured in these Greenlight Round-Ups. I’m looking at you, Candice DeBebe.

  4. Man, there are some deluded game devs out there. I spent a few weeks working on an RPG maker game back in the day and I didn’t even think it was good enough to show my friends, let alone try and sell. I hope the inevitable crushing defeat of these titles proves to be the strong dose of reality that these devs so desperately need.

  5. @DiceAdmiral: “I didn’t even think it was good enough to show my friends, let alone try and sell.”
    That was before the onset of affirmation culture, which now requires everyone to endlessly flatter everyone else as a foundational point of moralty. The result is that these sad sacks have lost the ability to tell the difference between good and shit.

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