Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 66

*munch munch munch* Oh, sorry. I am busy eating some leftover pie from yesterday. Because, as you all should know, yesterday was “Pi Day.” A very funny, very hilarious math joke. Ha ha! You know what is an even bigger joke? Steam Greenlight. Feel free to insert a rim shot there. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

The Voldemort/Quirrel of snowmen.

Oh no! Someone made me spawn a new head!

A Game About Snowmen

This is one of those few games where the title says all one needs to know. This is a game about snowmen. Very crappy looking snowmen throwing pieces of themselves at each other in a very boring world. Yes, you heard me right: these snowmen make snowballs out of their own bodies to throw at each other. Their goal: knock the opponents head off. This is probably the most morbid game I have ever seen. Even more morbid than Phantasmagoria, at least that one did not have people cannibalizing themselves for fun. I also find it interesting that the game’s “Friendly Features” include “No Headshots,” “No Blood or Gore,” and “No Death.” Oh, and also “Bunny Ears.” First off: there ARE headshots, as the point of the game is to knock your opponent’s head off! Also, there may not be any blood, gore, or death to a human, but if Frosty were to play this, he would probably be puking his magical guts out. This is disgusting. Snowmen have rights too! #snowmenlivesmatter

Best Comment: Dr. Adam: “Snowmen having a snowball fight? Would that be with their own flesh then?”

I hate Steam Greenlight.

What…. what?

Locking

This game’s title is derived from the fact that the player uses the Caps/Num/Scroll Lock keys to control the character. Wow, how exciting and original! This is going to be Game of the Year for sure! Let us read the description and find out more! “[My English is not good, following information from Internet translation]” Well, at least this guy is up front and admits he just threw this into some online translator. “Girlfriend is coming back.” From where? The store? Work? A vacation? Her mom’s house where she complains about you and her mom tries to convince her to finally dump you? “There was no time to explain.” Oh, no time to explain anything. Oh, wait. Do you mean “IS no time to explain?” Explain this crappy game? Yeah, I doubt you ever could. “Dispose of inflatable doll as soon as possible!” Why would I need to dispose of an inflatable doll. I mean, it is just a doll… oh. Oh, I get it now. Heheheheehehehehsexheheheheheehe. “Want to leave no trace,you should through some stages.” Should… what through some stages? “What that means is that you need to turn off the lamps with the music playing.” Oh. O…okay. “You can through the stage until the score reaches target.” Wait, is my girlfriend going to shop at Target now? In that case, I still have some time, because you can never leave Target withouth a million extra things. “Can we dispose of this dirty toy?” How DARE you talk about your girlfriend like that! “Now that it’s all up to you!” Finally. The burden is on our shoulders. We WILL become… LOCKING.

Best Comment: manonfire2730: “why not get rid of the doll or is your wife joining in?”

True love....

Just from this screenshot I’m going to assume this game is a love story between some hippy chick and one of the dog ghosts from Ghostbusters.

Sudden Chronicles

Wow, I “sudden”ly feel nauseous! Haha, just a li’l joke from me to you! Honestly, this game looks like garbage. Just read the “gameplay:” “Run on large maps around in order to find usefull items, weapons and new quests.” Wow, so much fun! I do not even know what to say about this one. These graphics look worse than Baldur’s Gate. Steam Greenlight is crap. Nobody should ever use it. Someone please set me free from this hell.

Best Comment: Smeagol: “I cant even read your description nor take it seriously.”

10 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 66”

  1. @Bup I laughed so hard at your Pi Day joke that I threw out my back, and now I’m on permenent disability.
    Thanks, Obama.

  2. #LetsMakeAmericaGrateAgain

    Brought to you by the Block o’ Cheese Consortium

  3. @Lusipurr That was positively cheesy. Surely, you’d make more chedder with some blue humor. Like early Ray Romano.

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