Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 67

Day 469: It has been over a year since I started my research on Steam Greenlight. My original goal was to find the absolute worst Steam Greenlight game, but I am now convinced that this will never happen. All of my very scientific research has pointed towards one conclusion: Steam Greenlight is a man-made black hole of crap. My other theory is that Greenlight is a secret government experiment to see how crappy a game can get, but still be supported by its “fans.” All I know is that every day I feel less and less alive. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Are you sure a big studio like EA or Ubisoft didn't make this?

Wait, you’re telling me this is an INDIE game?!

Taxi Tyranny

Remember that game Crazy Taxi? Or maybe Carmageddon? Those were fun games, right? Well this game takes those two concepts, combines them together, and creates a complete pile of garbage. In this piece of human feces the player takes control of Fred Thurman, an average taxi driver in Mantrell City. Until aliens attack the city killing everyone but Thurman, who must now outfit his taxi with weapons and fight back. Sounds like fun, right? Yeah, I did not think so. The description of this game keeps calling out the graphics as “retro,” but I would just call them “ugly garbage.” It looks like someone started designing this game as school project, but then either forgot about it or did the least amount of work possible in order to still get a passing grade. Also notice that the first video on the Greenlight page is titled “Taxi Tyranny Trailer (Indie Steam Game),” but it is kind of obvious that this is an indie game. Actually, is there a description that is less corporate than “indie?” If so, that is what I would classify this under. Maybe “stupid garbage,” but that might be too much of a compliment.

Best Comment: Lightwave: “At least developer is not russian.. Yeah?”

Or maybe this is just a giant litter box.

Yes, the first thing I always see my cat do is hang out in a garbage truck.

Cat Survival

This game actually interests me quite a bit, as I have always wondered what it would be like to be a cat. Not in like a weird, sexual fursona way, but in a “roll around in the sun and sleep for 18 hours a day” way. However, I do not know what is even going on in this game. Just look at the description: “Surivaval game about street cat.” Okay, I follow so far. “Your owners abandoned you.” So, we were not originally a street cat. Seems to be a “fish out of water” type of story. Okay, I am in so far. “Cat has some atributes…” What? “…such as satiety…” Huh? “…helth…” Who? “…infection…” Wait. Infection?! Does the cat have feline AIDs or something? …”strength.” Yes, all cats are known for their strength. Not like their dexterity, flexibility, speed, etc. “You need hunt to survive it is very diificult for young and weak cat…” Oh. Okay. “…then you should dicide – eat garbage and increase your infection level or try harder in hunting stuff.” Yep, quite a decision. Either eat garbage and get more AIDs or hunt more and…. do something. “Then when you grow up…” But, what if you do not WANT to grow up? What if you want to be a Toys’R’Us kid?! “…you will chalenge other cats for reproduction purpose…” LOL SEX!!!! “testing your strength and skill.” Again, I do not think cats are really known for their strength. “You will live one week of every season for some random years(depends on how healthy you are).” So, what happens for the other weeks? Does the cat hibernate in a cryogenics chamber or something? “Soon, I will upload video about basic mechanics.” Naw, do not worry about it.

Best Comment: jacoblfree: “make the cost reasonable for garbage cat sim make it at least 15 dollers”

No big deal. Just getting my fist ready for the bathhouse tonight.

Just going to casually thrust my fist at my meth lab.

Vampire – Le fruit defendu

This is some piece of crap vampire game in French or whatever. Nobody really cares. I bet the developer of this wears a lot of black, lives in his mom’s basement, and spends $100 a week on eyeliner. Just look at those arm graphics, though. Apparently every vampire’s fist is glued shut? I bet that makes it hard to suck the life blood out of any potential victims. Maybe that is why one does not see a whole lot of vampires around anymore. At least, outside of the local Hot Topic store. I really like how the description is aggressively anti-religion: “For those not speaking french, ‘le fruit défendu’ means forbidden fruit, referring to Adam and Eve, their fictional relation with the birth of humanity and therefore it’s fall.” Wow, just going to throw it all out there, huh? I have a feeling the guy who makes this is one of those people who constantly, and loudly, talks about his agnosticism and how much smarter he is than someone who believes in any religion. He also probably has a very big collection of fedoras. Maybe he should pray to his Spaghetti Monster god to give him some game design skills.

Best Comment: Monsieur-Owly: “Looks more like a stump than an actual hand…”

5 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 67”

  1. @Bup We need more in-depth coverage of these incredible games. I expect a full review of Cat Survival, and Twitch streaming of the vampire game. The taxi game looks stupid, which surprised me considering the non-Russian dev team (of one, probably).

  2. @Bup

    Followup question, what was your horny level during Vampire – Le fruit defendu? Probably pretty high considering it’s French, and they’re all about it. You know, that thing (as Lauryn Hill once said)?

    I’ll take my answer off air. Thanks.

  3. In this week’s column, three screenshots that are quite literally indistinguishable from a pile of shit. Congratulations!

  4. I’m watching the Saturday Twitch stream right now… Currently on Garry the Game. THIS IS AMAZING.

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