The Easter holiday usually means family, food, maybe a few drinks, but not mine. Mine consisted of Steam Greenlight, crappy games, and torture. Instead of spending time with my family, I spent time looking into these three horrible games. So, one could say I am a bit like Jesus himself. In fact, I am pretty sure this is true. I am the Jesus of Steam Greenlight, here to heal the gaming world of its sins. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.
“In this game you have to reach the finish line.” As this is a racing game, that goes without saying. However, that is the only piece of information we are provided about this game. Does one really need to know more about a standard racing game? Probably not. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the release date is “Когда угодно.” I just marked it on my calendar, but I was not really sure where to put that, so I just wrote it on one of the kitten’s faces. Yes, I have a kitten calendar. It is the only link to something fun Lusipurr has ever provided me. I remember having a cat before being stuck in this dungeon. His name was “Sparklez” and he was beautiful. I can only hope he is still alive and found another loving family to take care of him in my absence. Will I even escape this hell and see him again? Only time will tell, but not if games like this pile of garbage keep getting released. #stopsteamgreenlightnow
Best Comment: Marfung: “Who needs 60 fps when playing a racing game? Clearly 6 fps will do.”
As my loyal fans already know, I HATE anime. Well, not hate. That is a bit of a strong word. I strongly dislike most anime, but I really do hate anime dating sims like this one. I mean, just look at the “core gameplay” as described in the Greenlight entry: “Roleplay as a high school student and ‘romance’ with waifus, cats and humans.” Hold on. Sorry, I had to go puke. Maybe some of the key features will make this game seem better: “Animated 3D Main Characters using Live 2D.” Well, that does not even make sense. “Side-quests with a plethora of quirky characters.” I think this really means “boring, typical NPCs.” “Each main character’s narrative follows a different narrative genre.” Wow, I cannot wait until the Moby Dick anime comes out! “An in-depth stats system that changes the protagonist’s interaction with the environment.” Can one of those interactions be that I never have to play this crap ever again? “Experience the life of a high school student who goes to class, works and travels through a city filled with detail and characters.” I can guarantee those “details” and “characters” will be bland, boring, and forgettable. “Humorous events derived from pop culture and gaming references.” Translation: the memes are coming. “Play through anime tropes.” So, big breasted, underage girls will be EVERYWHERE. “Secret events…” Here is a secret: STOP MAKING THIS CRAP!
Best Comment: Recluse: “My waifu is a small technicolor equine. I think I’ll pass on this game. Best of luck to you though.”
“Lorthan is a last living battlemag…” Oh, he is a “battlemag” now? This makes even less sense. Continue. “…as well as the most talented of all.” He cannot be that talented if THIS is his game. “He can use all elements magic – fire, water, earth and air.” Uh, what about the fifth element? Idiot “But as he is too much proud he doesn’t use air element magic. It serves him only to clean his lawn from leaves.” Is… is this a joke? Is this what the developer thinks passes for “humor?” “Through gaining experience and knowlage…” Must be an old timey way of saying “knowledge.” “…Lorthan has discoverd, not known to anyone else, the fifth element ‘Ethernal Ether…'” No joke: I did not read ahead when I was mocking this description. “…which allows him to heal his wounds.” Heal this game first. “As a first mage, he used fifth element in the battle.” Wait, I thought he was the last. Now he is the first? Is this some sort of weird, time travel “have sex with you grandmother to eventually create yourself” thing? “The fate of the world rests on his shoulders.” Then we are all screwed. “Bravely he stands to fight with demons of hell and monsters coming out of the ground!” Now we have demons and monsters?! You kind of buried the lead with that one, buddy!
Best Comment: Vithral: “Looks stupid.”