Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 69s

Welcome to another… pfft… installment of… hahaha… Steam Greenlight Round-Up! Hahahahahahahahha! This week I have another three crappy…. *snicker*… games to show you all. Okay, I cannot hold it in any longer: hahahahahahahahahaa. This is the 69th Steam Greenlight Round-Up! Get it? “69?” See, it is funny because 69 is a sex number. As usual these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Let's get some air, dude!

Sick ramp, bro!

Vroomist

It would not be a Greenlight Round-Up without some dumb-looking car game. Apparently this is some kind of puzzle RPG with cars, which is an interesting concept on its own, but since this is Steam Greenlight it will end up as a huge pile of trash. The RPG elements I get, but I am not sure how one makes a puzzle game with cars. Oh, right: this is Greenlight, so nobody will play it in the first place. My favorite line of the description is this: “Your cars will be leveled up with better gear, tires, engines, Vroom! (I will post more about what Vroom is in the future).” No, how about you explain it NOW. You know, one usually wants to add as much information as possible when trying to “sell” the game. The whole description reads like some corporate execs plan to save his butt, meaning there are a lot of promises but no real content. Nothing the developer promises is showcased in the trailer. The video just shows a generic, blue truck driving around a very small city and smashing into stuff. Wow, makes me really want to play this game!

Best Comment: Knights: “I love how you show nothing that you put in the description in game modes… Just another game test that’s never going to be finished but hey, why not slap it on greenlight!”

Our Lord and Savior: The Floating Hand

All hail the floating hand!

Hy Jack Unhandled

Wow, I am not even sure where to start with this one: crappy graphics, the player seems to control a floating hand, and the story is bonkers. In this game the player controls “Monterey Jack,” an ex-criminal who has come back from the dead to take down the criminal syndicate that killed his parents. Yes, the character’s name is both a type of cheese and a character from a Disney cartoon, but he did change it to “Hy Jack” upon his resurrection. Only slightly less stupid. Oh, and Jack also has some sort of superpowers due to his exposure to radiation as a child. Yes, this game makes zero sense. Honestly, I am not even sure what is supposed to happen in this game. It seems to be more of a physics simulator than a game. The trailer attached to the Greenlight description even says none of its footage is in game. Why even show it off, then? Why is there a floating, disconnected hand as a controller? Why is the Greenlight picture some busty anime babes? Why does this game even exits?

Best Comment: cylemmulo: “This looks terrible. Like something you would find for free and be like, ‘oh this is why it’s free.'”

Ohh creepy dolls! So scary!!!

Oh, you want to actually SEE your game? Too bad!

Black Willow

This game looks so bad that I do not even want to write about it. In fact, let us just check out the game’s description and make fun of that instead: “Black Willow tells the story of two students who getting abducted…” Oh, so the game is about the process in which these two people are abducted. Interesting. “…by a demonic sect.” *Sex. You spelled “sex” wrong, bro! “The game is an FPS which has a focus on running away from the enemies.” I would rather run away from this game. “The cutscenes are videos with real people.” Oh great, FMV games are coming back. Those totally and 100% worked in the mid-90s. Yes, those did not get boring, dull, and stupid fast. Idiot. “German language with english subtitles.” Even Germany would not play this game.

Best Comment: TAPbagan: “No thanks….”

8 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 69s”

  1. One might simply avoid all Steam Greenlight games as a sound practice, but I prefer the granularity provided by these reviews. As I read each week I add three more games to my list to avoid, and then forget everything about them instantly, including their names.

  2. Ha, Im the creator of Vroomist and I love this mate, I try to reply to everything I can from the biggest commentators to a guy with 2 followers, Currently I am getting ready a demo and a video.

    As for you talking about the video, Yes its shit. I am the programmer, I am the artist, I am the everything(allot of shit for one guy to do),Yes my video is pretty shit and it is why I am in the process of creating a new one and releasing a demo

    Feel free to hit me up at https://twitter.com/Vroomist next time you actually want some form of comment from the creator.

    K Thx Bye.

  3. @Evan: Next time clean your game up a little before showing it off to the masses. And make sure it’s not shit like this one.

  4. I will say this for Vroomist: somehow, it actually looks half-way decent in a sort of TF2-style way.

    But, until it is a game: thppfffffffffbbt

  5. @Bup: not sure I’ve ever laughed harder than watching your Garry the Game play through.. but vroomist was pretty laughable as well.

    @Evan: saying “I am the ____” over and over makes you sound desperate. I suggest eating some Ben and Jerry’s and watching a move on Lifetime, while reflecting on not leaving shitty comments.

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