Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 72

AS I sit here and write this article about crappy Steam Greenlight games, my mind wanders to…. death. Torture. Destruction. But then I think about puppies and I am happy again. I am still sane, right? As usual these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Oh, wait. Those are just crappy graphics. Okay.

I guess people had pointy heads in the 80’s?

It’s Time to Stop

I cannot even think of what to say about this one. I think just making fun of the description might help. “Do you like the 80’s ? Because they are back again with ‘It’s Time to Stop’…” What? What does this even mean? Looking at the screenshots the “80’s” means graphics from Half-Life 1, some weird colors covering the screen, and a kid with a bunch of pimples. The 80’s! “…a time travel adventure with a real american who needs to find all his beers…” Haha, get it! Because us Americans LOVE beer! And we are all fat and lazy. “…to kill the evil doctor who wants to transform everybody into flashy clothes!” Why is this a bad thing? Everyone likes to flash it up every once in a while! “Will you stop his evils plans?” Nope. “Vote for us now and find out!” Heck, no! That helped. Now I know how to really describe this game: Like, oh my God! Gag me with a spoon!

Best Comment: Ravachol: “It’s time to stop flooding Greenlight.”

I'd be sweaty too if my world looked this bland.

Please give us a screenshot where we can see what is happening.

Wet Days

See, this game actually gives us something to work with. This is a game about someone who sweats a lot. No joke. The trials and tribulations of someone who needs a more high power deodorant. “Wet Day is free to play game shows how social anxiety and hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) can make our simple life tasks complicated and aims to put spotlight on social anxiety patients and raise people awareness.” Seriously, man? Is this really something that needs a cause? Just take more showers, ya dingus! “wet day will features:” Ugh. Just ugh. “* complex simulation of social anxiety experience.” Yeah, sure. Whatever you say! “* non-linear gameplay: your choices plays important rule and can affect the final results.” I hope the final result is that the developer realizes how he is a big idiot. “*dynamic world and replay value: each gameplay is unique.” Uniquely stupid. Owned. “* immersive experience: thanks to unreal engine 4 who provided us a powerful tools to create high fidelity, handcrafted and well detailed game world with UHD resolution support.” There is no way any of this is true. “* inventory and dialogue systems.” Yes, an inventory to hold all your sticks of deodorant and a dialogue system in which to buy them. “* competitive leaderboard: lets you compare your score with your friends and other players.” I do not even want to admit to my friends that I have even heard of this game.

Best Comment: 2_CRAZY: “the logo and the trailer are low quailty. i expect the same amount from your game.”

Dang, John Holmes would be jealous!

Is he… is he peeing on the enemy?

Draxel

Just pure shit.

Best Comment: JummpingJim: “I can’t believe my eyes! I’m sure I programmed something like this years ago on my ZX Spectrum….. Give this a miss thanks, if you want to create a RPG, start with today’s technology and not some lame rubbish.”

6 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 72”

  1. “…high fidelity, handcrafted and well detailed game world with UHD resolution support.” There is no way any of this is true.

    Gold. Add to the above dingus comment and Bup was in top form this week. But people want to know: will Bup review Wet Days just as he once reviewed Don’t Shit Your Pants??

  2. Wet days sounds like a brand of feminine hygiene product or adult diapers… Or maybe dry days would be better. Plus! Dry days has alliteration which is great for marketing!

  3. @Corrine: Wet Days may sound like an incontinence product to you, but to me it sounds like an immersive dreamscape where my actions matter in the most meaningful ways. Player agency has never been more pure and relevant – unless of course we consider Don’t Shit Your Pants (a true classic of the genre).

  4. @Seb I bet the person who created that game ate one too many sugar free gummi bears (see Amazon reviews for further detail) and decided to put his time on the toilet to good use. Or maybe it is about the very real struggle lactose intolerant people have. We may never know.

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