Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 73

I did not sleep well last night. I cannot think of a good intro this week. Oh well. These games do not really deserve one. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

I dunno, insert some reference to Charlotte's Web here or something. I don't care.

What a pig!

Conan the mighty pig

This is a platformer about a pig named Conan. Conan wants to find truffles and other treats that help him gain powers to defeat his enemies. Who cares? There is nothing special about this game. It looks like crap and I would be willing to bet it plays like crap.See, this is the thing with Steam Greenlight: crappy games with nothing special mentioned. The point of Greenlight is to tell people WHY they should vote for your game. This game looks like every other mediocre platformer ever. More so, this game is an extension of a free flash game. Why would I want to pay money for this if I can already get it for free? Especially since the description does not detail what is different in this paid version. Tell me why this is worth my time, even though it most likely is not.

Best Comment: Dragon: “This looks really bad. The 3D doesn’t match the 2D. The pace is far too slow. The characters look like melted plastic and the music is depressing.”

Eat me, anime.

Stupid anime crap.

Don’t Forget Our eSports Dream

Gamers are idiots. They will spend their money on so much crap. This is just another crappy, anime dating sim, but this one is about an eSports team. Yes, a team of very attractive people playing videogames professionally. Sounds just like real life, right? I mean, it must be since the game’s description boasts “an authentic story that is both true to eSports fans and relatable to a general audience.” Oh, and that spelling error is not a mistake on my part. That line was copied straight from the Greenlight page. This game lives in a fantasy world that eSports is like 50 times bigger than it actually is. Nobody cares about eSports. I would say nobody cares about this game, but it some how already has close to $25,000 raised on Kickstarter. Gamers are idiots.

Best Comment: A Barking Dog: “i walked across my apartment to get my phone to put in my steam guard code so that i could log in and vote no on this dumpster fire.”

Wake me up when something interesting happens.

A generic dragon attacks a generic castle.

Dragon Souls

First off, I cannot wait for this game to be taken down for having a title too similar to Dark Souls. That is inevitable. In the meantime we can make fun of how stupid this looks. I remember when this idea was first attempted on the PS3. The game was called Lair and it was crap then. Wait, this game allows you to play as different types of dragons: black, red, green, and blue! Wow, so amazing! The developer could not even think of fake dragon species for this game. The dragons do not even have unique skill sets or abilities that differ between the colors. The colors are the only difference between them. This has to be one of the laziest games ever submitted to Greenlight. Somehow the developer thinks more than one person will ever want to play this game and the inclusion of a multiplayer mode is justified. It is not. Nobody will play this crap.

Best Comment: [FR] Potato HunterZ: “waaa.”

2 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 73”

  1. I hope Conan the mighty pig becomes the Greenlight mascot like Crash Bandicoot and Sonic Hedgehog. I also hope someone makes a visual novel dating sim that looks like Dilbert or The Far Side instead of anime. Lastly, I hope that Valve pulls the plug on Greenlight by Weekly Roundup #100 to celebrate the milestone with a triumphant flush down of the world’s biggest pile of digital shit.

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