Birds are chirping, people are frolicking outside, and I am still stuck in Lusipurr’s dungeon writing about these crappy Steam Greenlight games. My memory of the sun is fading. I no longer recall having “fun” or “good times.” My thoughts now consist of darkness and despair. When will this Lusipurr-constructed Hell end? As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.
What is this game about? Nobody really knows because the description does not explain anything. The only facts I can surmise is that the player drives around and parks, hence the “Parking” part of the title. Now as far as the “Retro” part goes, I assume that is because the game’s vehicles are basically just the same mediocre-looking, 1960s style Volkswagon Beetle with a color swap. Yes, retro indeed. Oh, and the last fact I am fairly confident on is that this game is garbage. In fact, this game is SO bad that Steam Greenlight users are making fun of it by writing fake, crappy fanfiction about the game. Seriously. Click on that link above and one of the “Popular Discussions” is short fan fiction. If that is not enough for you, check out the comment section in which one can see that the game’s developer did not get permission from VW to use the Beetle’s likeness in the game. To which he responds that it is not “exactly” like the actual vehicle, so no licensing is needed. Even though the vehicle in the trailer and screenshots looks exactly like a VW Beetle from the 1960s. I fully expect this game to be taken down from Greenlight before this article is even published.
Best Comment: Skoardy: “So you haven’t licensed their car’s likeness then? It’s obviously a VW Beetle in shape, design, fixtures, etc. though. You couldn’t sell reprints of other people’s novels if you just took the names of the authors off them.”
I have many thoughts about this game, but I am lazy and going to take the easy way of just making fun of the description’s horrible English. “You’re inside an abandoned hospital, alone, without memories, and the memories are the key of everything.” This sounds like something said at the beginning of a crappy indie film. “Is the real life?” Well, no. This is a video game. “no, you are not in the real life…” Yes, I already said that. “…you can notice this almost immediately: every times you die, you reborn in another place of the Hospital, this another and another and another times, a loop without a way out.” So, it’s like that movie Groundhog Day, but less funny and with more broken English. Excellent. “But you can not stay in this Hospital, you must escape!” Okay, so why can I not just walk through the front door? Wait, why AM I dying over and over again anyway? You already said that I’m alone in this hospital. “It is heartbreaking, like stay in the hell… But how to escape? well, maybe you have a friend, maybe.” Oh, so we AREN’T alone. You basically just negated everything you already said, but whatever. Continue. “She’s not a human, a human is not transparent and grey, obvious, maybe a ghost? an entity? you don’t know, but it seems that she knows you well, strange.” So, she’s a stalker? “and the memories?” What memories? Again, you said I do not have any memories. Now you mention I do? What is even happening in this game?! “yes, the memories, maybe the memories is the way to escape from here… why? don’t know, but she want you to remember.” Wait. It is all coming together now. “Remember, remember the fifth of November.” Memories. A pale figure. This is some V for Vendetta stuff! GET OUT OF HERE!!!! “Sometimes, she can take you out, out of the Hospital: in the real life? Not exactly, she take you inside your memories, memories born in the real world: born in a house or in a beach.” Born “in” a beach? What does this even mean? “And, with this memories, with this flashback of the real life, you can find the you of the real life, and for now i can tell you only one thing: what you were before you wake up in this limbo, is the key to everything…” I have read this part like 10 times, but I still have no clue what it means. “But please, stay tuned, we’re preparing more thing to show you, i have not yet said anything…” No, you just wrote an entire paragraph about this game! ARGH!!!!!
Best Comment: sl0w: “WOW SO ORIGINAL ANOTHER HOSPITAL ANOTHER MONSTER ANOTHER RUNNING nope.”
So, this is a game about running a paper about supernatural events. Oooooooohhhhh SPOOKY!
Best Comment: skull_trumpet.gif: “A true Lovecraftian game would be unrepentant in its racism. Is your game racist?”