Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 74

Birds are chirping, people are frolicking outside, and I am still stuck in Lusipurr’s dungeon writing about these crappy Steam Greenlight games. My memory of the sun is fading. I no longer recall having “fun” or “good times.” My thoughts now consist of darkness and despair. When will this Lusipurr-constructed Hell end? As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

The Fast and the Furious 13: We've Officially Run Out of Ideas.

Not even Vin Diesel could drive out of this one!!

Retro Parking

What is this game about? Nobody really knows because the description does not explain anything. The only facts I can surmise is that the player drives around and parks, hence the “Parking” part of the title. Now as far as the “Retro” part goes, I assume that is because the game’s vehicles are basically just the same mediocre-looking, 1960s style Volkswagon Beetle with a color swap. Yes, retro indeed. Oh, and the last fact I am fairly confident on is that this game is garbage. In fact, this game is SO bad that Steam Greenlight users are making fun of it by writing fake, crappy fanfiction about the game. Seriously. Click on that link above and one of the “Popular Discussions” is short fan fiction. If that is not enough for you, check out the comment section in which one can see that the game’s developer did not get permission from VW to use the Beetle’s likeness in the game. To which he responds that it is not “exactly” like the actual vehicle, so no licensing is needed. Even though the vehicle in the trailer and screenshots looks exactly like a VW Beetle from the 1960s. I fully expect this game to be taken down from Greenlight before this article is even published.

Best Comment: Skoardy: “So you haven’t licensed their car’s likeness then? It’s obviously a VW Beetle in shape, design, fixtures, etc. though. You couldn’t sell reprints of other people’s novels if you just took the names of the authors off them.”

A true nightmare...

Back to highschool? NOOOOOO!!!!

Creepy Sentence

I have many thoughts about this game, but I am lazy and going to take the easy way of just making fun of the description’s horrible English. “You’re inside an abandoned hospital, alone, without memories, and the memories are the key of everything.” This sounds like something said at the beginning of a crappy indie film. “Is the real life?” Well, no. This is a video game. “no, you are not in the real life…” Yes, I already said that. “…you can notice this almost immediately: every times you die, you reborn in another place of the Hospital, this another and another and another times, a loop without a way out.” So, it’s like that movie Groundhog Day, but less funny and with more broken English. Excellent. “But you can not stay in this Hospital, you must escape!” Okay, so why can I not just walk through the front door? Wait, why AM I dying over and over again anyway? You already said that I’m alone in this hospital. “It is heartbreaking, like stay in the hell… But how to escape? well, maybe you have a friend, maybe.” Oh, so we AREN’T alone. You basically just negated everything you already said, but whatever. Continue. “She’s not a human, a human is not transparent and grey, obvious, maybe a ghost? an entity? you don’t know, but it seems that she knows you well, strange.” So, she’s a stalker? “and the memories?” What memories? Again, you said I do not have any memories. Now you mention I do? What is even happening in this game?! “yes, the memories, maybe the memories is the way to escape from here… why? don’t know, but she want you to remember.” Wait. It is all coming together now. “Remember, remember the fifth of November.” Memories. A pale figure. This is some V for Vendetta stuff! GET OUT OF HERE!!!! “Sometimes, she can take you out, out of the Hospital: in the real life? Not exactly, she take you inside your memories, memories born in the real world: born in a house or in a beach.” Born “in” a beach? What does this even mean? “And, with this memories, with this flashback of the real life, you can find the you of the real life, and for now i can tell you only one thing: what you were before you wake up in this limbo, is the key to everything…” I have read this part like 10 times, but I still have no clue what it means. “But please, stay tuned, we’re preparing more thing to show you, i have not yet said anything…” No, you just wrote an entire paragraph about this game! ARGH!!!!!

Best Comment: sl0w: “WOW SO ORIGINAL ANOTHER HOSPITAL ANOTHER MONSTER ANOTHER RUNNING nope.”

This game looks like a discarded music video from the 80s.

Hotel Dusk 2?

Daily Chthonicle: Editor’s Edition

So, this is a game about running a paper about supernatural events. Oooooooohhhhh SPOOKY!

Best Comment: skull_trumpet.gif: “A true Lovecraftian game would be unrepentant in its racism. Is your game racist?”

18 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 74”

  1. I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that any of these things are actual games. The screenshots don’t even look like games. I cannot discern any gameplay present. I submit that these are in fact snapshots that Bup took on his last family holiday.

  2. what? my game crap? that is out Rachels akyu’s ey Sean user maidan a miss take it back. i invaight you on dyuel pry cycly at tom rowdon. Beezer or else. Otr.

  3. LMAO here comes the random crew! hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!
    DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!! love and waffles, t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m

  4. see! now I am satisfied :) You gave me the same as you gave to the other two dudes: some EFFORT! XD

    kudos!

  5. THERE’S BEEN FUCKING 74 OF THESE INFERNAL PIECES?! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUCCCCCKKKKK

    *no copy, pastes, nor caps locks were used in the writing of this comment

  6. Yeah pretty horrible isn’t it? If it’s any consolation at all (I know it isn’t, but happy thoughts karma-count right?) I could’ve *almost* deleted my own entry if that meant taking down all the abominations with me.

    Of course, it wouldn’t, and I need cash even more desperately than they do ^.^

    Just kidding…

    Look, I have a mediterranean garden and feed myself off of top notch class tomatoes I don’t need cash.

    But I do work on artificial intelligence that is supposed to rule the future of gaming, awright? And no matter how shitty my game looks to you – or me on a bad day – it’s still the most that has ever been achieved in that direction so your calling it shitty for me is just meh.

    Cuz you know? The so called AAA games you think are so cute and pretty and GRAND are total YAWN on a tectonic scale of infinity, okay?

    EVERYTHING that is virtual 3d hyperrealistic glitch bling BLAZE YEEHAW! today games are just yawning walking simulators or numbers trying up to dress up as rpgs its all boring after two days of play, especially your deepest dungeons and skyrims and all that crap.

    My game. *MY GAME* tries something different. It tries to make an rpg experience where nothing can be fully predicted and where nothing wastes your TIME on walking the fucking stupid 3d HYPERREALISTIC vrs (sorry for the language I get carried away :))

    So it’s something I can, you know, actually play in my spare time without falling asleep. So it’s a good thing that happened. If it’s gonna look shitty as hell and still cost like $2 on steam, please don’t choke on it.

    Regards and happy butterbeefly twoortle thoughts to you!

    charon@sinsys, happy to oblige!

  7. Cool, bro. I’m just gonna sit here and play Uncharted 4, a GOOD game, because I’m not a moron.

  8. Yeah I’ve seen that. Soo many polygons and yet it all amounts to nothing at all. Have fun tho, the game certainly seems *very* interestig to eee… watch.

  9. “it all amounts to nothing at all…” I guess Uncharted and your game development career have something in common!

  10. Hehe good one I have to admit you that!

    Still for me playing a game that I can watch a youtube video of on the other computer, and basically just do the same stuff the dude on the video is doing, isn’t really a game more like an exercise in futile repetition for me, but I can still understand the lure.

    Try doing that with pacman or galaxians oh…. thats so old and crappy eh?

  11. But your game is one I could easily watch someone play on YouTube, because if I played it myself I’d just be doing the “same stuff the dude in the video is doing.” Except, no one is going to play your pile of trash.

  12. Yeah, but nobody plays my game on youtube because they are too busy playing it for the high score board while at the same time *not* giving away their master skill tricks for just anybody! XD

  13. “but nobody plays my game on youtube because they are too busy playing it for the high score board “

    Yeah. That’s the reason no one plays it on YouTube. Right.

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