Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 75

Attention Steam Greenlight Round-Up fans: I have an announcement! The announcement is….. this is the 75th anniversary of Steam Greenlight Round-Up! Wow! 75 years of Steam! 75 years of Greenlight! 75 years of…. complete and utter garbage. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Or maybe a deformed bear?

I THINK this thing is a human?

Sniper Assassin: Volume 1

So, this is basically just the original Counter-Strike, but with different skins. And only sniper rifles. I really enjoy the confidence this developer show by naming it “Volume 1.” As if this game will get SO popular people will beg for multiple installments. What will really happen is nobody will ever play this and it will just become another forgotten garbage Steam Greenlight game. Much like every game showcased in this series of articles. Wait. If nobody remembers this game, will anyone remember these articles? Will my work just get tossed aside like last week’s leftover pizza? How can mirrors be real of our eyes are not? Questions that will haunt us for ages. Not this game. This game sucks and should be forgotten about immediately.

Best Comment: Unexpected Jihad: “this almost looks like the first arma game, but more crap”

Dumb-Looking Gun Simulator 2016.

A cool feature of this game is that you can’t see the game world.

SteamHammerVR

Do you like STEAM PUNK? Do you like VIRTUAL REALITY? Do you like crappy STEAM GREENLIGHT GAMES? If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions, leave this site immediately and never come back. If you are a smart person and answered “no” to these questions, please give us all your money. We love you. We do not love, however, this piece of junk game that should have never existed in the first place. I love how ambitious these Greenlight developers are. The game’s description speaks of multiple weapons the player will use, but the screenshots only show off one. Well, they KIND of show off one. It is hard to tell what is going on in those pictures. I did not even know Steam Punk was a “thing” anymore. I though it, hopefully, died years ago. Oh well. Even the best toilet gets clogged up sometimes.

Best Comment: Not a Linux User: “Get some better screenshots. I don’t want to look at only the SteamHammers.”

END STEAM GREENLIGHT NOW

Fire effects from Geocities and a gun from a mid-90s FPS. Cool.

Island Simulator 2016

“Have you waited all your life for a game that brings plot and gameplay together?” First off, I am not really sure what this sentence means. This is the beginning of the game’s description on the Steam Greenlight page. How exactly can one bring plot and gameplay “together?” Do you mean games with good plot AND good gameplay? If so, there are a ton of them out there already. The Uncharted series is one example. I have a strong feeling that THIS game will not be good. “With full realistic environment…” Ummmm I think the screenshot attached to this article proves this statement to be wrong. “…beautiful sky-boxes…” What? What are “sky-boxes” and why would I want them in my simulator game? In fact, what exactly does this game “simulate?” The player does not play AS an island, they play as someone exploring an island. A better title would be Castaway Simulator 2016 or Stop Making Crappy Simulators 2016. Here are another couple things promised to be in this amazing game: “more rass.” Ah, yes, I love when my game has the sufficient amount of “rass.” What exactly IS rass, you may ask? I have no clue either, but the more rass the merrier I always say. The developer also promises a “survival ode,” which I can only imagine is an ode to surviving. Actually, I just thought of another simulator I would not mind seeing: Destroy Steam Greenlight Simulator 2016.

Best Comment: Dave Microwave: “Garbage simulator.”

6 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 75”

  1. 75 years? Er… Hmm.

    You have brought us some real winners this week. I mean, we are genuinely reaching the point where it is hard to call these games, or even ‘attempts at games’. This is some rock-bottom bullshit. Were these even ever seriously going to be viable? Ever? In any universe? With any amount of time and effort? Are their creators even living, breathing human beings? Or are they broken, twisted chimeras, gasping and staggering through game development with the unthinking compulsion of the undead?

  2. Out of all of these I think Island Simulator is my favorite, because the title makes no sense. You aren’t simulating BEING an island.

  3. They say ‘no man is an island’, and I really wanted to know what would happen if that wasn’t true. Alas, Island Simulator does not actually allow me to simulate being an island. Which is bullshit because that’s the name.

    I hate it. (7 out of 10).

  4. @Bup:

    Congrats on 75 years! I’ve only been around for the last year or two, but what a ride it must have been. All of those games. All of those emotions. Wow.

  5. No man is an island entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. That’s Donne at his best, and is the same place from which we get, “do not send to ask for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

    Alas, Island Simulator does not actually allow me to simulate being an island. Which is bullshit because that’s the name.

    Poor Donne. He died long before he could see these alternate possibilities realised. Except not, because the game does not actually allow one to simulate being an island.

    Congrats on 75 years!

    I have ordered the balloons. They were out of “HAPPY 75TH BIRTHDAY!” so we got “CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DIVORCE!” instead.

  6. “More rass” is obviously a typo. The developer must have meant either “more ass” or “more grass.” Hasn’t there been a Toilet Simulator in one of the roundups, or am I just making shit up?

    @Dr. L. Purr: Please consider Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions for a future Literature Corner, or at least a Poetry Breakfast Nook.

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