Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 77

Wow, 77 years of Steam Greenlight! I am going to keep up this joke for the rest of time. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

It helps if you squint really hard. And you're a moron.

I guess this is a tower?

TallTowerDefenceVR

This is a game. I think. It is hard to tell what is going on from the screenshots. Based on the game’s description, this is some tower defense, virtual reality game… with blocks? Reminds me of when I would build a tower of wooden blocks as a kid… and then destroy it. Much like all my future hopes and dreams were destroyed by Steam Greenlight. Maybe this game is a metaphor for my entire life? Either way, this piece of garbage does not belong on Greenlight. Even the developer, in the game’s description, says this is basically just a tech demo. Maybe that is the real reason Steam Greenlight is such a pile of garbage: nobody knows how to properly use it. Instead of posting good, breakthrough games, everyone posts crappy tech demos or garbage simulators. One thing is certain: Steam Greenlight needs to be deleted immediately.

Best Comment: Polyester Rabbit: “These graphics aren’t even half assed. This is the graphical equivelent of Keira Knightly. No assed” (sic).

And like taxi yellow. Weird.

Why is every vehicle, minus the truck, yellow?

The Cab

Speaking of crappy simualtors… here is one! I know these “reviews” are usually overly negative for comedic effect, but I will be the first to admit that this game could be good. You know, as long as the physics are made more realistic, the graphics are cleaned up, and little extras (such as pedestrians) are added to the game. It reminds me of a more realistic Crazy Taxi, and I think we can all agree that it is high time for something to take the spot vacated by that series. This game, however, probably will not turn out to be good. I am judging my opinion, nay, this TRUTH on the fact that this is Steam Greenlight and only like one out of every 1,000 game posted turns out to be good. The real problem is that the developer is trying to make it TOO realistic, with traffic patterns and cops that will fine you for breaking the law. However, the developer also says the player can drive “exotic sports cars” and “race against time” to get bigger tips. It is like the developer is trying to find a good balance between goofy, over-the-top driving games and realistic simulators. The only problem is that the line between the two is so thin it is almost microscopic. And there is no way some indie developer will succeed in this.

Best Comment: outaforest: “I’ve got GTA.”

She can't take anymore memes, Captain!

Meme overload!!!!

Quickscoper Doge: The Dank Illuminati Memes

This is… wow. I just… wow. I did not think it was physically possible to stuff so many memes into one game. Just from the screenshots we have the Quickscoper meme, Good Doge meme, Illuminati meme, use of the word “dank” to describe a meme, and pot leaves. I am sure I missed a few. Usually I would not even “review” something like this, as I assume it is intended to be completely a joke, but it actually looks like the developer put some work into this. By “some” I mean “the most minimal amounts to make this seem like a real game.” According to the description, the game, upon its release, will have a whole 30 minutes of gameplay (wow!), 100 Steam achievements (whoa!), and even Steam Trading cards (wow… again!), just to name a few “features.” However, the game will have voice acting by Big Man Tyrone, so it cannot be THAT bad, right? Right?!

Best Comment: b133d_4_u: “Will we be fighting Dat Boi?”

5 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 77”

  1. Please send the Doge game to Tim Schafer as I wish to invest several thousands of dollars into it on Fig.

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