Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 79

We are right in the midst of E3 and a ton of great games have been announced! Too bad I will be talking about none of them today. I am forced, as always, to write about crappy, garbage Steam Greenlight games. Maybe next E3 Valve will announce the end of Greenlight? Only in my greatest fantasies. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

I just wish I could live in a world where Steam Greenlight doesn't exist.

A world where physics don’t exist.

Gates of the Road

This game is about… uh… something? The game’s description only links to a shady-looking site that I refused to click on. “No click zone!” I yelled while throwing my morning beer up in the air. It then came down on my head. I had to strain the liquid out of my hair to get a good buzz on and then feel mentally stable enough to write about these crappy games. Even the trailer, if one could even call it that, does not explain much. The player drives some sort of off-road vehicle and smashes into everything he or she sees. But… why? What is the point? This is not even a game, it is just a tech demo, and a horrible tech demo at that. Also, the player apparently gets points for the amount of damage he or she does. Sounds kinda like some of the minigames in the Saint’s Row games. However, those were actually good, fun games. This game does not even have sound in its video. I can understand making something like this just to test out the physics and see how it works, but maybe add some actual gameplay elements or a story or something before showing it off to the public next time?

Best Comment: Dragon: “Yuck.”

Kill this game.

Wow, a rare sighting of the Floating Fox!

Chicken Hero

Ready for another platformer? No? Well, what if I told you the player controls a *snicker* chicken in this game? Oh, you still do not care? Good, you passed the “Common Sense” test. I think you chase an egg in this game? Who cares. There is really nothing special about this game and the market is already over-saturated with platformers. My favorite part about this game is that it advertises itself as being successfully funded on Kickstarter! Wow, what an achievement, right? Well, go look at how much the developers asked for: $800. The campaign raised $952, so yeah they did exceed their goal. But why such a low amount? This game had two people working on it, so if they cannot reach $800 between the two of them, how good will this game really be? Sounds like someone’s dad contributed a majority of the funds!

Best Comment: Plump4Trump: “:( I’m sorry about your brain.”

Was this made by Neo-Nazis?

Uhhh, anyone else seeing what I see in this crate formation?

Push the Crate

You push crates. That is seriously it. Supposedly it is also a puzzle game, but I doubt that. Also, apparently there are 100 levels. 100. Levels. Of crate pushing. Why would anyone think this would be fun? I fully blame Half-Life for making this game possible. That was the original crate-pushing game. These types of puzzles are not even fun when they are randomly thrown into a Legend of Zelda dungeon. I would much rather push the developer of this game…. off a cliff.

Best Comment: FerrousBueller: “This took two people to make?”

2 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 79”

  1. Maybe next E3 Valve will announce the end of Greenlight?
    Unlikely. Greenlight is all that Valve ‘does’ anymore.

    “No click zone!” I yelled while throwing my morning beer up in the air.
    People laugh but this is the truth.

    Also, apparently there are 100 levels. 100. Levels. Of crate pushing. Why would anyone think this would be fun?
    Have you ever heard of Boxxle? It even got a sequel.

  2. The sequel to Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg looks great! Just look at those two green pixels hanging off of the health bar in the top left! True craftsmanship.

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