LO, I am Lusipurr and this is Bup Week, anno Domini MMXVI. Consequently, I have been assigned three games on Steam Greenlight the which I shall now examine with a jaundiced eye and a critical pen, that goodly readers might learn the terrors of Steam Greenlight and thus seek to avoid it by whatever means they possess. And, if they should avoid it not, I write hereto that the unwise might at least learn what ‘games’ from which they ought flee, aye, as if they were the very plague itself, come to take the unwary to their eternal rest.
It is altogether too seldom that a game advertises in its title the whole sum and complement of itself. Yet, in this stellar example of the “labyrinthine quandary” genre (of late little used), the hapless player finds ’tis just so, to wit: the developer, Lord Kres, hath entitled the game No More Dungeons, Please. I affirm the accuracy–aye, the stunning verisimilitude withal–and offer a screenshot at left the which demonstrates the height of the game’s visual accomplishment. The rest of the game consists of nigh-identical hallways, with a door present here and there, not as a means to escape, but only to proceed yet further into the bowels of the dungeon. Behind each door there are still more hallways and doors–only hallways and doors, doors and hallways–to greet the yearning eye.
Yearning without succour!, for there are no enemies, no fiends which might end the player’s bootless wandering, no end to the unyielding suffering of this dungeon which simply stretches before the player in every direction, filled with false ends, switchbacks, and long corridors. “What is this feeling?” the player eventually says to himself, the keyboard rocking slightly under his trembling fingers. “Ah, ’tis unease, ennui, and an oncoming sense of existential dread. Woe! That the almighty hath fix’d his cannon ‘gainst self-slaugher!” Woe indeed, dear reader. Avoid this dungeon of dismay, this maze of misery, this labyrinth of listlessness, lest it incite thee to raise thy hand and do a violence unto thyself and, so doing, end all thy little compass of being.
Best Comment: Don Kangin: “No More Games, Please, Lord Kres”
Continuing with the “games aptly titled” motif, the next title that Bup hath assigned appears to be named Error. And, indeed, the game seemeth to be the production of an error. The link at the bottom merely returneth the user to the Steam Greenlight menu page, and no other information is present. Even the comments seem to have been removed. Perhaps this is some sort of new ‘meta-game’, involving a complex and exact copy of Steam Greenlight itself, convincing the player that they have left the game whilst they are actually still within its fetid grasp. Are we, in fact, living in a simulation indistinguishable from reality? No. We can be assured not. No one would desire to simulate the existence of Bup.
Best (indeed, only) Comment: Valve Corporation: “All rights reserved. All trademarks are property of their respective owners in the US and other countries.”
Partical City Guardians (sic)
Alas, that the run of apt titles for games should end! In this final entry for this week’s review, Bup hath offered a Minecraft clone, only without the childish joy and fun of building for which that title hath been lately known and celebrated (whether justly or unjustly). In Partical City Guardians, the player engageth upon nothing more or less than a series of violent and criminal acts: robbing a gun shop, shooting random people in the street, attacking motor vehicles with rocket launchers, and using cars to run down pedestrians who are making their lawful way along the pavement. The trailer video, in which these acts of homicidal fury are presented, is backed with a loud, jubilant electronic soundtrack more fitting for a Hannah Montana montage sequence. The graphics are consistent with Minecraft clones, but the whole appeareth to run in a sort of slow-motion even greater than that present by default in Minecraft.
In short, this game presenteth an adequate simulation of what life is like for seriously-impaired and violent children whose only outlet is a box of Duplo bricks. WHEREFORE WE ADVYSE THAT the developer should be closely monitored by the government for terror connexions, and absolutely prohibited access to weapons of any sort, including even things as innocuous as toast, tissue paper, and frightened mice.
Also, at the time of writing, this title was number 78 on Greenlight. This fact should give some insight into the standards of Steam Greenlight, and the quantity of the games found therein.
Finally, it was hard to find a good comment: first, because most of them are in Turkish (and apparently delighted with the fact that the game copies its maps verbatim from Grand Theft Auto), but also because the developer periodically combs through the comments and deletes any negative feedback. This policy towards criticism is no doubt what hath allowed the developer to hone his development skills to the degree on show in this game.
Best Comment: [WinP] dullrazor : “”Why is this even a thing?” – Everyone”