Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 82

I lied. I lied when I said the Steam Greenlight Round-Up is over. It is not over. It will never be over. Not until the evil that is Steam Greenlight has been exposed for all to see. As always these “review” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

JUST. MINECRAFT!

This is just Minecraft.

Rogue Islands

“We took our time to build Rogue Islands properly.” YEAH RIGHT! As usual, it would not be a Steam Greenlight Round-Up without some crappy-looking, open-word Minecraft clone. It is almost as if you HAVE to make your game as similar to Minecraft as possible to submit it to Greenlight. Maybe that is one of the rules. I dunno, I refuse to look up such trivial things as “facts.” I guess the main point of this game is to get through the levels, or “worlds” in this case, as fast as possible before the enemies show up and try to fart on you or something. I think it is more so the player does not see how garbage this game actually is. “When night falls, vicious ghosts descend from the stars to defend their Lord.” What does this even mean? What dark lord are we fighting against? Why are his followers all ghosts? I do not like ghosts. I would rather call that all female Ghostbusters team than dealer with them myself.

Best Comment: EpicLayne: “there are way too many minecraft clones already we don”t really need more”

I wish I could sleep forever and never have to look at another Steam Greenlight game.

Wow, even the AI is so bored of this game they fall asleep during the game.

Bulgarisum

“The game portrays the introduction of a new political ideology founded in Bulgaria; called Bulgarisum, unfortunately only a significant amount of the society agrees, which leads to revolt and a consequential civil war.” Okay. This is the “prologue” of this game, and we already have a few issues. First off, Bulgaria. Really? Bulgaria?! Of every country on the face of this planet you chose Bulgaria as the setting and political ideology for your game? Wow, okay. Well, whatever helps you sleep at night. Second, “unfortunately only a significant amount of the society agree…” So, it is unfortunate that the most influential and important people support this idea? I think you need to look up the definition of “significant,” buddy. “You’re the main antagonist of the story…” What. This is not even possible. Again, I think you need to look up that definition. Maybe you mean “Antihero?” Oh, wait. This is a crappy Steam Greenlight game that nobody will ever play in the first place. In any case, this is a piece of garbage that should have never seen the light of day. Delete it.

Best Comment: hilarious clinton: “It looks good for only 2 people *clap* *clap*”

Go, Crap Racer, Go!!!!

Wow, I cannot wait to use my janky steering wheel to drive one lap!

Fastlane

“Fastlane® is an amazing racing game that allows players to test their driving skills against the very best.” Did this person… did this person seriously copyright their Steam Greenlight title IN the description? No joke, the developer uses that symbol EVERY TIME the title of the game is mentioned. Hey, buddy: I do not think anyone is going to steal that title from you. Oh, and I highly doubt this game is “amazing.” Actually, could the combination of the trademark and the “amazing” statement be considered false advertising? Can I sue for this? I hope so, because I would use all my earning to take down Steam Greenlight for good. Let us see what else this game has to offer. “Over 14 cars to unlock. ” Wow, 14?! That is almost as much as a Gran Tourismo game!”4 Aweosme racetracks to choose from.” Not only are there a whole FOUR racetracks to choose from, but they are apparently “aweosme.” What does that mean? Who knows and who cares. “Earn money and unlock every racetrack and car.” Wow, I cannot wait to earn money to unlock all the 14 cars and FOUR different tracks! SO MUCH GAMEPLAY!!!!! “Amazing music and sfx.” Yes, amazing music and sound effects that I am sure were complied from free websites. “And MORE!” More? MORE?! There is no way this game could offer any more features! It is perfect as it is already!

Best Comment: Vezmarok: “I didn’t know I live in the 1990’s”

3 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 82”

  1. I lied. I lied when I said the Steam Greenlight Round-Up is over. It is not over. It will never be over. Not until the evil that is Steam Greenlight has been exposed for all to see.

    In the year 21XX, Reploids are infected with Steam Greenlight games, becoming MAVERICKS. Only one robot can defeat them: Mega Man X.

  2. Stage 1: Minecraft Man. His special power is to basically be boring after a couple hours and then he just dies.

  3. Fastlane makes Super Mario Kart look like a child’s toy, Fastlane is for adults.

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