News: Tekken Offense

Corpsachoo, I choose you!
May he find eternal peace in his celestial Pokeball. Faram.

Pokemon STOP

For better or worse the release of Pokemon GO has been an unmitigated success. Nintendo’s first meaningful foray into mobile gaming quickly surged to the top of the iOS app charts, and it is likely to turn a pretty penny for the company. On the one hand it is probably a good thing to see a well developed piece of software soundly trouncing all the Flappy Bird and match-3 clones which saturate the market, but on the other hand Nintendo could easily lose their soul chasing after the free-to-play mega bucks that are to be had on smartphone. Nintendo’s shareprice is already up ten percent on the news of Pokemon GO‘s success, and even the most dogged company can only ignore such carrots for so long until they are pretty much forced to course correct the direction of their business. Konami certainly never looked back. Regardless, the launch of Pokemon GO has been anything but uneventful.

Case in point, the launch of Pokemon GO was particularly eventful for Wyoming teen Shayla Wiggins. The app apparently informs users of their ballpark proximity to untamed pokemon, leading to a game of real world hot and cold. As the app led Wiggins to hop the fence leading to a local river which ran through her town of Riverton, Wyoming she initially thought it was leading her to a water-based pocket monster, when in fact it was actually leading her to a corpse-based pokemon – one loves Nintendo’s sense of innovation!

“The Pokémons are all over Riverton. I was trying to get a Pokémon from a natural water resource.

I was walking towards the bridge along the shore when I saw something in the water. I had to take a second look and I realized it was a body.”

In other news, an Australian police station located in the city of Darwin has had to put out an official statement imploring the general public to stop disrupting them after Nintendo thoughtfully located a Sandshrew inside their building:

“For those budding Pokemon Trainers out there using Pokemon Go – whilst the Darwin Police Station may feature as a Pokestop, please be advised that you don’t actually have to step inside in order to gain the pokeballs.

It’s also a good idea to look up, away from your phone and both ways before crossing the street. That Sandshrew isn’t going anywhere fast.

Stay safe and catch ’em all!”

Pokemon Colosseum Screenshot
I think we have finally located the audience for Pokken – insecure hipster bloggers who cannot handle playing as sexually confident women!

SJWs Cannot Handle the Truth

Fighting games have often been a beacon of irrational contempt for the sex-hating SJWs of this industry. The games tend to feature sexually confident hard body girls, so of course these insecure misanthropes hate them on an almost instinctual level. Some series like Dead or Alive have famously given no fucks about including sexy material in their games, while other games like Street Fighter have shamefully capitulated to these professional complainers by castrating their content. Apologising to these people, whether directly or by way of capitulation, is always a bad idea since it encourages the social justice crowd to continue attacking the product in question because they know they can gain traction. To see how to effectively shut these people down one need look no further than the legendary PR efforts of Play Asia. For political and commercial entities: mock them once and SJWs will emit a cacophony of self-indulgent wailing designed at silencing their critics, mock them again and they will quickly shut-up as they are made to look like retarded children.This week the liberal regressives have set their sights on the Tekken series just in time for the release of Tekken 7 in early 2017 – and the situation was not handled as well as it might have been.

This week Tekken boss, Katsuhiro Harada, took to Twitter in order to answer fan questions about his forthcoming game. Over the course of the last two years it has become increasingly difficult for Japanese publishers to release their products in the West without first being subject to major cuts. There is no solid reason for this, rather Japanese developers are simply too far removed from mainstream Western gaming culture to understand that their understanding is being deliberately bamboozled by a small number of hostile hipster bloggers from San Fransisco. Because of this recent tendency fans of Japanese games have taken to regularly asking developers whether sexy content will survive the localisation process, and this has also proved to be the case with Tekken 7. In light of alternate swimsuit costumes being announced for the Japanese release of the game, Harada was asked by @MGNoxa whether this content would survive release in the West, and the exchange played out like this:

@MGNoxa: “Will these costumes be in the Western version of Tekken 7 on consoles?”

Harada: “Ask your country’s SJWs. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

He then went on to explain that this was not just an issue of female objectification:

We released swimwear for all characters on TAG2 (for Kangaroo, Kuma&Panda, Ogre too!). But SJW said…You know.

Much like Giant Bomb’s reaction to South Park: The Fractured but Whole‘s E3 trailer, this appeared to hit a little too close to home for a certain problem-glasses-wearing, ironic-beard-having hipster arse-clown. Incensed at SJWs being accused of something for which they are demonstrably to blame, IGN’s Gav Murphy took to Twitter in order to respond to Harada like this:

“Garbage man makes garbage tweet (about his utterly garbage game)”

Wow. Way to keep things classy and professional, IGN! There is probably something to be said about throwing glass rocks in stone houses, but regardless Murphy’s words appear to have had their desired effect in this instance by causing Harada to delete his original tweet and apologise to the triggered cry-bully.

“I tried telling interestingly (or funny), but I’ll choose a word next time. Thanks!”

If a public figure wishes to make a comment that is critical about SJWs then they had better be prepared to stick to their guns and not blink until the liberal regressive rabble have had the opportunity to cry themselves hoarse and crumble into a heap. As for Gav Murphy, he may have succeeded in browbeating Harada into deleting his original tweet, yet in doing so he made himself into an excellent example of exactly the sort of behaviour that the Tekken developer was talking about in his tweet. But then you cannot spell ‘fucking retarded’ without IGN.

I will be very disappointed if we do not also get a chibi laughing scene!
The game’s Tidus summon is a chibi recreation of the iconic Besaid Beach Blitzball scene.

World of Final Fantasy Mechanics Detailed

Lusipurr does not like World of Final Fantasy. For whatever reason the game’s super cute chibi characters make it impossible for him to think a single charitable thought about the game. That being said, World of Final Fantasy along with I am Setsuna are shaping up to be the two high points of Square Enix’s 2016 release calendar, not least because they both appeal towards gamers who favour tried and true classic JRPG mechanics over simple hack and slash frivolity. This week Playstation Access has released around ten minutes of utterly gorgeous footage from the game [taken from the Japan Expo demo], and in it we get a clearer understanding of just how some of the higher level battle mechanics will play out.

World of Final Fantasy looks to follow the lead of Final Fantasy XIII-2 in that that battle system essentially incorporates Pokemon, and the game is very much about catching them all. Once caught the monsters can be leveled up to teach them new abilities using a system that looks very much like the Chrystarium Grid, and once leveled up sufficiently monsters can evolve several times throughout the game – just like Pokemon. The party’s monsters can be taken into battle as normal or they can be stacked upon the game’s two protagonists in order to increase their parameters. For instance stacking one fire-based enemy on top of a character may grant access to Fira, while stacking two fire-based enemies on top of a character may grant access to Firaga. That is not the only assistance the characters will have in battle however, as characters will have access to ‘medals’, which function as World of Final Fantasy‘s version of summons. The Playstation Access footage showed the Tidus medal being used, which resulted in a scene similar to his Besaid Beach Blitzball scene, only presented in cutesy chibi graphics – so expect plenty more iconic scenes to be presented in this diminutive fashion. Finally, much has been made of World of Final Fantasy being based on Final Fantasy IV‘s ATB battle system, and the footage did not disappoint in this respect. Instead of each character having their own ATB bar there is instead one central ATB bar located to the side of the screen, and character icons travel along this bar relative to their speed attribute. World of Final Fantasy is releasing October 25, and the game looks amazing [irrespective of what the boss-man may say].


  1. TEKKEN Offence is a fantastic pun.
    FAR better than “VancouFur”.

  2. IGN where reviews and reviewers are both so retarded that brain dead monkeys could have done a better job with only one arm and half a keyboard.

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