Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 85

I keep thinking about that booby I will never touch. I might as well give up now. Trapped, all alone, in Lusipurr’s dungeon. Locked to my desk. Forced to constantly writhe about crappy Steam Greenlight games. This is it. This is my life. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

So original and fun!

Wow, never seen this before!

Toon Tanks

Hey, remember that Tanks game that came out on the Wii a few years ago? You know, that game that everyone played, but only because it came on the Wii Play disc that was packaged with an extra controller back when nobody could find any Wii accessories anywhere. Well, do you want to play a version of that game, but with worst graphics and you still have to pay for it? Oh, you do not? You say you do not care about this game? Well, too bad because it is being made anyway! Get ready to play 80 levels with SIX different types of enemies! Not only that, but you get to play in FOUR different environments! That means that you will get super bored with this game SUPER fast, because at some point every level will start to seem the same and it will just get dull. Oh, remember that you PAID for this pile of garbage. At that point you should probably just shut the game off and play something better. In fact, anything would be better than this crap.

Best Comment: Xanatos357: “Didn’t I play a game like this on the Wii?”

More like Boris We Don't Know How to Make a Good Game.

Ah yes, the famous vampire lore of being able to exist in full sunlight.

Boris the Vampire

This is like the epitome of crappy Steam Greenlight Games. Games like this are the reason I started this series in the first place. This is some sort of RPG game in which the player is a vampire or something and has to figure out a murder mystery. I guess that kind of makes sense? I mean, in a way that does not make sense whatsoever. I also really like how Boris is a vampire, at least that is what the title indicates, but all the screenshots are in fully daylight. You know, during a time when most vampires would burn up from exposure to the sun. Not only is this game on Greenlight, where it will fail, but it is also on Kickstarter, where it will also fail. Oh, and the best part is that the Kickstarter campaign is only asking for $500 to complete this game. This is especially funny when one realizes that six people are “working” on this game. All with the worst and least professional pictures one could ever post on Kickstarter. I mean, click on that link in the game’s description and check them out. It is worth it.

Best Comment: Plump4Trump: “I’d like to suggest that you add in an Easter Egg featuring Borat the Vampire. ‘My Undead Wife!” – *bites neck* very naice!’ Please message me after you have a rough draft – TIA!”

Yep, I remember this scene from that movie. Took a lot of guts and glory to film!

E.T. phone a hospital!

Guts and Glory

Remember the hours of fun you had while playing Goat Simulator? Or the days and days on end in which you played Happy Wheels? Oh, you do not? Maybe that is because both of those games, and this one, were only interesting for about an hour before you removed them from your computer’s harddrive. I never understand why games like this are released with such fanfare. The only people who play it multiple times are YouTube and Twitch streamers who are just looking for donations. A normal person will get bored of them within an hour. This game is no exception. The player just bikes around and smashes into stuff. With some kid on the back. Who cares? Why release this to Greenlight? Just release the game on Dropbox, let it get popular, and THEN officially release it on normal Steam when the game is done and playable. The most disheartening part of this is that there are pages of positive comments on the Greenlight entry. Kind of explains why everything that comes out of Greenlight is garbage.

Best Comment: X’Elias of Rivia: “So it’s essentially Trials meets that one Happy Wheels gag what Pewdiepie done and child gore.
A’ight.”

5 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 85”

  1. You may scoff at vampires being able to exist in full sunlight, but this is well-established by the Twilight series of books! And nothing is more pure about vampire lore than that sacred trilogy of literary renown!

  2. At this point I’m willing to establish a genre of games that were effectively made for Youtube/Streaming rather than genuine enjoyment or playability.

  3. Has anyone found any games on Greenlight that are good? Or at least decent?

  4. @ST: To be fair, there are some decent looking games on Greenlight. I just take what I feel are the worst ones, based solely on the profile screenshot/title. Wasn’t like Super Meat Boy a Greenlight game or something? I could swear a few good indie titles came from Greenlight.

Comments are closed.