Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 86

Wow, August already, eh? It seems like only yesterday I was enjoying my time with my family and loved ones. And now I am just stuck in this dungeon. This stinky, hot dungeon. Well, the stinky part is because of me: Lusipurr never lets me take showers. Maybe someone will overthrow him? Maybe Ethos will come back and make everything great again, just like Donald Trump will do for America. One can only hope. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Makes for some great gameplay experience!
It’s cool when the player models blend in with the backgrounds.

Why War?

I can guarantee you that the person who made this game has not graduated from high school. At least, I HOPE that is the case with this game. Why Do I feel this way? Just read the description: “Why War? is a 2D shooter adventure game about two soldiers from different sides who don’t understand why they are fighting each other, so instead they break all the rules and team up to stop the war. You are trying to destroy the leaders in both sides and prove that war isn’t the solution to any problem. One of the most dangerous friendships you could see.” So, this person is trying to make a statement about how nobody truly wins in war, how the people fighting are only cogs in an ever-grinding machine, etc. Basic stuff from r/im14andthisisdeep. But, then the point of the game is to fight and kill your fellow soldiers to “destroy” the leaders of each side? You kind of lost the reason for stepping on that soap box in the first place with that one. I would not be surprised if the “twist” ending is that instead of TWO leaders fighting each other, there is just one guy controlling everything in a poorly veiled reference to the Illuminati or “Big Government” or whatever BS conspiracy theory one wants to subscribe to. The real question, however, is “WHY make this game?”

Best Comment: [Prj.Wolverine]AgeиtRed: “I like the way they correctly point out the corruption of many governments in a platformer game. They really show the difference between humanity and being a soldier.” (This is the kind of idiot who will play this crap.)

Santa = Satan
Whoooo!!! Heck yeah, Santa!

Santa Rockstar: Steam Edition

Whoa, did I just travel back to 2007? Back to the glory days of music rhythm and plastic toy instruments that now gather dust in the closets, attics, and corners of our houses. Oh wait, this one is CHRISTMAS themed! Wow, what a deviation from the norm! This is essentially Guitar Hero, but the player is a rockin’ Santa who plays Christmas carols all over the world. No other genres of music. Just Christmas carols. Sounds like fun, right? Maybe for about a half hour. Then I expect people will get tired of playing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” for the 50th time. I mean, how many carols are there that can even be turned into rock songs? 10? 15? Why would one make a game devoted specifically to this theme? If this was a side-game in a normal rhythm game, I would be totally on board. Oh wait, I just read the description a bit more. There are, in fact, a whopping 18 different tracks to play. To put this into perspective: the first Guitar Hero game had 47 tracks, once the player unlocked them all. See, that is enough to justify an entire game. Plus, those tracks were different genres and music types, not the same type of music remixed to be “rock.” I think Santa should replace his normal gift of coal for all the bad boys and girls with this game. It is kind of a more harsh punishment.

Best Comment: Dr. Face || Kaosz: “christmas guitar hero without the guitar that made guitar hero fun? no thanks. I have OSU for this….. and it’s free.”

Honestly, I have no clue what's going on here.
Okay, I don’t even have a comment for this.

Red Rum: Dead Diary

Wow. Just wow. I know I say that I have found the epitome of Steam Greenlight in pretty much every article, but this one takes the cake. Not only does it look like it came straight from 1998, but it is a hidden object horror game? Who is even asking for this? Oh, and do yourself a favor and Google search “American McGee’s Alice.” Tell me that this Greenlight game did not just straight up steal the art for Alice from that game for its main character. Ugh. Why does this crap even exist? I cannot even deal with this right now. “Warning: Redrum is an intense psychological murder mystery intended for mature audiences.” Yeah, “mature” as in age. Because only old people play hidden object games.

Best Comment: youtube.com/rdrizzle: “Disgustingly unoriginal, looks like it was made in five minutes with MS paint.”



    Red Rum: Dead Diary: looks like the thoughtless carnival crap farted forth after a week’s work hearing how to thoughtlessly steal shit off others.

    Do you see what I did there?

  2. I’m thinking the FBI should maaaaybe have a little peeksie inside the shed behind the developer of Red Rum: Dead Diary’s mother’s house (what, you don’t think he lives alone, do you? Not since the court case!). I’m not saying you’re going to find a malign altar to Duke Agares, but I’m not not saying it either, y’know?

  3. @Lane: I expect you have a better than average chance to meet the dev in a professional capacity.

  4. Well good. I’ll save this post for evidence and call Bup as my expert witness.

    “Now, Dr. Bup, is it? Can you please explain to the jury what you first observed upon installing Red Rum: Dead Diary?”

    “Yes, Mr. Lane, I observed what we in the ‘business’ call a cavalcade of some really fucked up shit, you know?”

    “Is ‘fucked up shit’ a technical term, Doc?”

    “Yes sir, what it means in plain English is this ol’ boy’s crazier than a shithouse rat on the bad acid.”

    “I see, I see. Now, would such a being be held criminally responsible for chopping up social workers and stuffing their remains inside his waifu pillows?”

    “No, not at all. The only crime he’s guilty of is bad gameplay.”

  5. I think “root” was a tooth pun. If intentional, Red Rum: Dead Diary is the best game ever made, if not, I say we shut down Steam Greenlight.

  6. @Lane: There’s a “Murder was the case that they gave me,” joke in there somewhere.

    @Adeki: But if we shut down Steam Greenlight, what would Bup do?

  7. I would like to see Guitar Hero games for different genres. How about one featuring Bach’s lute compositions? Or something for classical piano and organ music? Unfortunately, Greenlight is only meant for the worst ideas.

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