Editorial: The Lincoln Ultimatum

History books are known to be filled with lies, deceit, and bias towards whoever was on the more attractive side of the war. However, those at Lusipurr.com try to take a more objective view at history, and record it as it actually was: messy. So many different accounts of who certain political officials were, some say Genghis Khan the founder of the Mongol Empire, others insist she was just a very butch lesbian woman who wanted a more filling dinner. Whatever the truth may be, video games have always done their best to portray historical figures as being as realistic as possible. That is exactly why those in Assassin’s Creed: Unity did not all have faces, because not every historical figure at the time had a face. That is the level of commitment the developers put into the game which is commendable on their point. So, because the United States is currently in an election season, it has been decided that this editorial will focus on one specific President and how he has been portrayed in video games. This President was decided by pulling a number out of a hat, these numbers ranging from 1 – as high as Adeki can count without having to google it. It appears that…Abraham Lincoln has won as being the subject of this editorial! Way to go, Abe.

Track One: Freein' the slaves and trappin' the hoes.

These two are about to drop the hottest rap album of the decade.

First off, Abraham Lincoln makes a small but extremely powerful role in the game Bioshock Infinite as a Motorized Patriot. For those not in the colloquial loop, a Motorized Patriot is an automaton modeled after a major political figure built to be tour guides for those exploring the game’s central area of Columbia. Unfortunately, political tensions ran high and like other nations, Columbia had to transform these tour guides into mechanical machinations of massacre. The rebel group against Columbia’s government, the Vox Populi, decided to take some of the Motorized Patriots being used against them and redesigned them in Lincoln’s image. This is actually very accurate to Lincoln in real life as he was a hulking monstrosity of a human being that freed the slaves. In Bioshock Infinite it could be said that he freed humans, slaves to mortality, and led them to heaven. Therefore, Bioshock Infinite was able to portray Lincoln in a light most do not dare to shine him in, a monstrous but somehow yet compassionate light.

What a mighty good man.

What a man, what a man.

Next in the rotation is none other than Honest Abe’s appearance in Code Name: S.T.E.A.M., the 3DS exclusive that no one liked that much until a drastic patch made the entire game way quicker to play. So, in the game President Abraham Lincoln captains a ship known as the Lady Liberty that goes around defeating aliens. Code Name: S.T.E.A.M. takes some creative liberties on Lincoln’s personality as he is usually as quoted as not wanting to fight illegal aliens, because he believed immigrants would enhance the USA, but he very prominently kicks alien ass within the game. Although, what the game lacks in accuracy of personality, it more than makes up for in appearance. Abraham Lincoln appears as a young, healthy, and chiseled man who could lift his girlfriend in the air and literally sweep her off her feet. Very rarely is Lincoln portrayed as such a teen heartthrob, so it was bold of Nintendo to allow this choice to be made, especially as he was voiced by Wil Wheaton. He may treat aliens roughly, but he would treat his girl right, and that is what counts.

Track One: Stone is not the only thing that makes Abe hard.

On the other side of the spectrum, these two are about to drop a rival rap album.

Last up, Sam & Max Save the World, pits everyone’s favorite lagomorph Max against a sentient version of the state of Abraham Lincoln located within the Lincoln Memorial as they both run to become the next President of the United States. Unfortunately, Abraham Lincoln does not win this election as he is blown up by a homing missile leaving only a living head, but he does find the companionship of a lovely lady friend named Sybil Pandemik. Somehow, through God’s great miracles of life, the head of the statue of Abraham Lincoln is able to impregnate Sybil and when her water breaks, pennies come out. Some may ask how this could be possible even within the weird world Sam & Max takes place in, to those people former President Abraham Lincoln would say only one thing: “Go to the theater, champ.” A little tongue in cheek, but Abe was always a jokester, and this game represented it as he is a complex character not afraid to show weakness while also showcasing enormous strength and bravery. But the ultimate thing that Sam & Max Save the World gets right about Abraham Lincoln is that he wanted to bang. Because at the end of it all, former President Abraham Lincoln was a man with needs, some of them sexual, and there is nothing wrong with portraying that in video games.

So there it is and there it was, a masterpiece article all about the representation of Abraham Lincoln in video games and how it varies. Who is your favorite president and why? Do you think Abraham Lincoln was an attractive man at the time? Let us know what you think in the comments below!

2 comments on “Editorial: The Lincoln Ultimatum”

  1. No more drinking Mr. Bluey drain cleaner. We’ve told you to stop.

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