News: Nintendo Cannot Internet

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Super Mario Maker: Completely Fucked Edition

Super Mario Maker has been one of Nintendo’s biggest exclusives for the Wii U, which is why it is no great surprise that they have opted to port it to their successful 3DS handheld console. Sadly, here is where the good news ends, as in an act of Miyamotoesque stupidity they have decided to completely fuck the game design in such a way as to render it largely pointless to Western markets. Spotpass might work a treat in densely populated markets like Japan, but it would appear that after all these years Nintendo still has not got the memo that it does not work in the West.

This is to say that the majority of the game’s internet functionality has been stripped out of its design, which is a problem given that this was one of the game’s biggest strengths. In the Wii U version of the game players could upload their Mario Maker Levels to the internet, and they could download specific levels with the use of a download code. This functionality has been stripped from the 3DS version of the game, as players will now only be able to share levels via local wireless. This is a decision which, frankly, is fucking retarded. It is also a decision which is just so typically Nintendo.

They are wrecking their game in order to push a bullshit gimmick which is not even viable outside of their domestic market. It is not even as though Mario Maker 3DS is set to be a wholly offline version of the game, as players will still be able to connect to the internet in order to download levels from a ‘top ten’ leaderboard of levels designed by Wii U users. The ability to upload levels and download specific levels have simply been omitted out of myopia. Nice going, Nintendo!

90% of Gamescom players were FF fanboys, while the remaining 10% had to play the game for work...
It appears that at some point in the game Noct will begin to look less like a Backstreet Boy.

Final Fantasy XV News

Final Fantasy XV‘s development cycle is not the only thing set to take a decade in order to run its course – as this week Hajime Tabata revealed that the story of Final Fantasy XV will take place over the course of ten years. This fact was somewhat suggested with the release of footage from the first three hours of the game, which featured a prologue depicting a visibly aged Noctis – however there was never any indication that an older Noctis would be playable outside of this opening sequence. To Tabata’s mind depicting Noct as a bearded thirty year old is some sort of heroic act on their part, when in actual fact series like Metal Gear and Resident Evil have featured middle aged protagonists without incident.

In the opening sequence, you see Regis and Noctis talking to one another and Regis tells him to stand tall. His appearance later on in the game communicates that he has [taken] that to heart and lived with those final words.

The whole change in Noctis’ appearance from when the game starts compared to when years have passed [is so] that people would feel the passing of time, and that they were actual living, breathing characters rather than just symbolic characters.

the one important part for us was to see a little bit of Regis in his appearance 10 years later.

It’s not typical to see a lot of Japanese RPGs with a mid-aged man as the main character. A lot of people who like Japanese RPGs would be surprised by the fact that they’ll see this character age in the way that he does, so it took a lot of courage for us as developers to do that. But we felt that it was important in communicating [the party’s] development and wanting to express it in a way that we only can with the current generation of consoles.

There’s not a deep reason as to why we made it ten years, It’s just that we needed a significant amount of time to have passed within the game for certain reasons.

In other news 90% of Gamescom attendees who played the Final Fantasy XV demo [which is based on the final build of the game] indicated that they enjoyed the experience. This is the first positive news about the game that we have seen in months, however it must also be tempered by acknowledging the reality of the situation. This figure was generated by a self-selecting sample. That is to say, the kind of person who lines up for hours in order to play a Final Fantasy XV demo is the same kind of person who is predisposed to like the game regardless, as they are obviously series fans. That being said, the people who are going to go out and buy Final Fantasy XV at launch are also a self-selecting sample, so perhaps this does not matter overmuch in the grand scheme of things.

SJWs are super salty about this.
500% triggered!

Tecmo Finds a Valid Use for VR

VR is largely a gimmick. There are precious few VR supported games where the technology actually adds to the experience – until now. Tecmo have found a completely valid use for VR – offending SJWs. On October 13 Tecmo will be updating Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 with VR support, and their implementation of the technology really is rather special. The game already supports some very impressive flesh deformation physics, and this technology is set to be enhanced through the combination of VR and motion controls.

The motion sensing capabilities of the Dualshock 4 allows the controller to be used as a stand-in for the player’s hand, enabling them to reach out and touch the generous assets of the Dead or Alive girls, which will result in their bounteous booty reacting with human elasticity. Because of the head tracking technology utilised in VR, players can also use their head in a similar way to their hands – for instance players will be able to stick their heads forward in order to be motorboated by the girls. This is a gameplay mechanic that is not possible without VR, meaning that Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 might be the closest thing that VR ever gets to a killer app. It is still not worth the $400 asking price though. SJWs are already referring to this as ‘literally rape’.

Following this, Tecmo further compounded the lulz by announcing that a content patch will be bringing destructible swimsuits to Dead or Alive Xtreme 3, a move that likely has the game’s SJW detractors on suicide watch. It is currently unknown whether this mechanic will allow for full nudity or simply leave several strategically placed shreds of cloth, though one is inclined to believe the latter.


  1. All jokes about the games development time aside, this Final Fantasy XV story news is very intriguing. I like the idea of spanning a large portion of someone’s life and seeing them evolve.

  2. So disappointed with how Mario Maker 3DS has been hobbled by Nintendo. Way to ruin the best product you’ve created in the past decade, N.!

    Brave, courageous Tabata, willing to depict a fey 30-year-old with a bit of a scruffy beard. Now that’s heroism.

    I hate VR and I hate SJWs and if one can be used to destroy the other, so much the better.

  3. @LegendaryApple: The Witcher 3 has a main character whose beard grows in real time. Take that, Tabata!

  4. (Ok, let’s see here… According to that map I found in the Castle Lusipurr gift shop, I just cut behind the Fountain of Perpetual Disappointment, part through all the suspended ‘Nate Liles is AMAZING!” banners, and my normal spot with the rest of the lurkers should be right over… Hmm? Egads! This is the comment section of this week’s news! I’ve been had!)

    (It’s ok…I can totally play this off as intentional..)

    I’m here, Lusipurr! How’s it going?

    For the most part, fighting games have never really been my thing, and I’ve never played anything in the DoA series, fighting or otherwise. But the sheer hysteria leveled at that series gets more and more ridiculous.
    I’m very much taking a “wait and see” approach with ff15. I’m not optimistic, but ask absolutely prepared to be wrong about this.

  5. DefChaos! You’re alive! (I sent you an e-mail asking for your help with something.)

    You missed a trick in your path to lurker HQ–you need to click the “DISCORD” link in the right-hand sidebar. The friendly readers you encounter will show you where to find the 24/7 Good Times™.

    I will never play DoA–it’s not my sort of thing either–but I am SO glad that it exists. I hope it only does better and better as a result of all the teeth-gnashing surrounding it from the usual screeching vocal minority.

    We’ll have an FFXV review out for you within a week of its release. We won’t give it a harder time than it deserves, but it isn’t going to get any free passes, either.

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