Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 91

Day 608: I have escaped. I am posting this from a remote location where I hope Lusipurr and his army cannot find me. I was unable to post last week due to Lusipurr’s attack drones combing my area. I did not want to give myself away with the typing of my computer keys or the glow from the screen. Even though I escaped his dungeon, I know his influence and shadow are wide. Now I am on the run like an escaped convict. At least I did not have to crawl through the muck of a sewer. Other than the usual muck of Steam Greenlight games. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

Seriously, why does anyone think these will ever work?

Yep, just another crappy Minecraft clone.

Blood is Red

This is just another crappy Minecraft clone. And, as is usual with these games, the game’s description pretty much makes fun of itself. But let us riff it MST3k style, shall we? “#Story” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hard stop right there. Why is there a hashtag for the word “story?” Does the developer think he is going to start some Twitter trend with this? “You are stuck on the island ‘Red Sand’ your mates are died, your the last military to save the island, you are came to the island to saving for terrorists!” So, I’m friends with a bunch of anti-terrorist military soldiers, but they all died. Sounds like this game is ripping off Farcry too. “You must explore the strange island. Why is this island so strange? – this answer you get in the end of the Game!” Uhhh spoiler alert! “You have low ammo und only one scarred AK-47.” So, I honestly cannot figure out if the developer meant that the gun is scarred, or if he misspelled “scared.” Either way it makes no sense. Google translate is not 100% accurate, people! Food have you also not. You must find this! or you die. If you have luck, then you can find in Villages villager! You can help they and they help you!” Ugh there is just too much here to mock. Just do it yourself and write your favorite riffs in the comment section below! “Thats your Story! Survive!” The funny thing is I will probably want to kill myself if I was forced to play this.

Best Comment: wilco64256: “Oh look it’s PilotLumpa with another piece of crap minimal effort asset flip. No thanks.”

I love games that only let me see 10% of the screen.

Yep, this is how flashlights work.

Until the Last

This is some sort of crappy survival horror game. I am willing to bet that a lot of the “challenge” of the game comes from the fact that it is so dark you can only see a tiny amount of the screen and the controls will be awful. Seriously, this has to be one of the most generic games I have ever seen. Look at the main screenshot used for the game: a generic looking cop with a mustache leaning on a police car. Oh, I have not seen that in every game about cops ever. The description is almost like the developer copy and pasted it from the Wikipedia article for cop games: “the main challenge is to understand what is going on in the park. In addition to this you should not allow attackers to bring their plans into reality and, of course, try to get out of this place safe and sound.” Oh, you mean I have to do something that happens in EVERY GAME EVER MADE?! Give us some detail. This is a perfect example of why Steam Greenlight is so mocked. The point of Greenlight is to showcase and explain WHY people should vote for your game, not to be vague and generic. In the mood of this game, I leave you with a generic phrase I like to use about Steam Greenlight: SHUT STEAM GREENLIGHT DOWN NOW!

Best Comment: Toastie: “Clearly this is the 4th or 5th time you’ve tried to submit this and got rejected because no one wants to touch it with a 10 foot pole. But the question remains, why have you never changed anything at all each time you’ve resubmitted?”

More like Taco Hell, am I right?

Someone ate at Taco Bell!

Toilet Cleaning Simulator

I-I honestly cannot tell if this is the worst game on Steam Greenlight… or the best. I mean, look at the detail on those pieces of feces! Yeah, they are in some faux-retro graphics, but they look dang good! “Scrub the crap out of that porcelain toilet blow, squirt some quack toilet cleaner on it and wipe the butts of the many people who come to relieve themselves on your white throne!” So, not only do you have to clean the toilet, but you also have to clean the butts of those who just relieved themselves. And look at how much they let out! Wow, I think I am in heaven.

Best Comment: Andrew Tennant: “It’s time to stop.”

5 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 91”

  1. I think Bup is due for a Pulitzer once he reaches the outside world. Also, is it just me or are the poops much higher resolution than the rest of Toilet Cleaning Simulator? More like Toxic Smell, amirite?

  2. @Dancing Matt: The fact that Bup has yet to win a Pulitzer is criminal.

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