Day 615: I went outside for the first time since my escape yesterday morning. This is my first glimpse of sunshine in years, as it was the dead of night during my flee from Castle Lusipurr. Yes, I now know that I was being held inside a castle fortress lorded over by Lusipurr himself. That is not even the most surprising of my discoveries. Yesterday when I went out I learned that the entirety of America is now a police-state governed by Lusipurr! AI drones with the Lusipurr.com logo are searching the city, I can only assume for me. I broke into a closed clothing store only to find that the only clothing that exists are Victorian-era England styles. I think one of the roaming security forces almost recognized me, but I ducked into an alley before they could catch me. I found a more secure place to set up shop, an old warehouse where I believe dynamite was produced. I also have a good view of Lusipurr’s stronghold from here. Actually, this gives me an idea…. More to come. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.
“An open island just waiting to be explored. Go on an amazing adventure, finding coins and scoring goals.” So, just based off that first line of the game’s description, I am assuming this game is basically about being a pro soccer/football player. Making coin and scoring some sick goals! However, based off the game’s screenshots, it appears this game is about knocking over barrels while hanging out with dinosaurs. Badly rendered, generic Unity engine barrels and dinosaurs, at that. Also, this game is supposed to appeal to children from the age of three and up? What kid would be into this? It is not Minecraft, so they will not really care. I do not really care. Nobody should care. This game is garbage.
Best Comment: BlueSheep123: “There seems to be nothing to do in the game at all except mess around with stuff and collect coins. No thanks.”
Why? Why would anyone think this game would be a good idea? Check out the “lore” behind this game: “Some time ago in some place far away, there was this Old Granny. For some reason she was called Gangster Granny. Not so much for her connection with mafia families, but for her terrible deeds.” Whoops. Hold up. So, first you say “for some reason” she is named “Gangster Granny,” but then you immediately tell us why. Just wanted to point that little mistake out. “Bank robberies, stealing gold, buying the most powerful weapons and getting into conflicts with the law all described her personality perfectly. The moment came when there was one last job to do – to rob biggest bank of the city. Granny did her best, but unfortunately she got caught and was sent to prison for a long time. You may think this was the end of it… But one day she got a package delivered to her cell from a secret sender, and there was a gun in it…” Nope. I am just going to give you a hard nope at this. Why would a gun pass the screening at a prison? And, what, she shoots her way out of prison? What? “Looks like it’s time for her to finish the job she had once started! Some time had passed since Gangster Granny went on her ferocious trip to rob a bank. Those days seemed to be left behind as she now held an icecream instead of a gun, peacefully walking on the calm, sunny streets of a small village. Little did she know it was all about to change…” Huh? Did we jump around and nobody told us? Last I heard she has a gun and was escaping prison, but now she eats a ton of ice cream and aimlessly walks around some small village? Get your fact straight, crappy game! “An evil corporation was now ruling the world, and seemed quite interested in Gangster Granny. But why? Who is behind all this? Looks like it’s time to break in, again.” Break in where? This huge company that controls the world? They have to have hundreds, if not thousands, of strongholds to do that. She’s going to break into them all? And why does she care? It seems like she has a pretty decent life, even if this company is controlling everything. Man, this game is just all kinds of bad.
Best Comment: FerrousBueller: “It’s funny because one would not expect a grandmother to be a violent, gunslinging criminal. Rather, you would expect a grandmother to be a sweet old lady who bakes cookies or knits sweaters for her grandchildren. You have subverted our expectations.”
I do not care about politics. They have always bored me. There is also something about political humor that makes me feel it is lazy and the bottom of the barrel. Fart and poop jokes are more clever to me than most political ones. The basis of every jokes is always “Hurrr Donald Trump is Hitler!” or “Durrr Hillary is a woman and weak.” So, combine this and an RPG Maker game and you get a perfect storm of uncreative garbage. RPG Maker is the bastion for people who think they have a good RPG game idea, but no talent to actually make it happen. So that means it is perfect for Steam Greenlight: the home for the least creative games on Earth. I mean, browse the rest of the screenshots for this game. Here are the “jokes” the game makes: “Duhhh Ted Nugent has a lot of guns because he has a tiny penis!” “Chris Christie is fat! LOL!” Ugh. I will give this game one compliment: the art for the characters is not bad. However, I would not surprised if the developer of this game stole the art from some even less funny political cartoon.
Best Comment: annoyingdoge: “This looks like copy/paste RPG Maker meme trash with Donald Trump and walls. Don’t vote for it. Just don’t.”