Editorial: To Switch a Witch before Her Pitch

Just a few days ago from the writing of this editorial, Nintendo announced their next home console which was unfortunately named the Nintendo Switch. This led to numerous jokes about sexual positioning, sticks taken off of trees to whoop children, or that Nintendo secretly announced they have access to witchcraft through Nintendo’s Witch. So, because the first topic would result in Adeki’s termination from the site, and the second would just get too real, this editorial will be about three powerful witches in gaming that should be featured on Nintendo’s newest disappointment console.

Now she is hot!
Now you see her…

First witch up to roam around the mulberry bush would be the rhyming genius, Gruntilda from Banjo-Kazooie, also known as Grunty. In the first game she appears as a nefarious witch who kidnaps Banjo’s sister in order to absorb her youth and become a beautiful witch. This plan fails as she is crushed by a gigantic rock, but two years later she reappears to exact her revenge after she is helped out by her two sisters who she…accidentally kills. Finally in the game no one talks about, Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts she appears as a skull in a robotic body that is about as lifeless as the game itself. All in all her luck is not great in any of the games she appears in but 2017 is a year of new beginnings, so maybe Rare could make another title in the “Banjo-Kazooie” franchise that is actually a collect-a-thon game for the Nintendo Switch. The tentative name from this point on shall be Banjo-Kaswitchie and it is two hours of Banjo flipping switches while Kazooie rates his performance.

But before she actually knows that he is her father, in the second game. It makes sense, trust her.
Pictured here is Bayonetta fighting her father.

Second witch to shine in the spotlight is the seductive Bayonetta from the aptly-named game, Bayonetta. In her first title she awakens from a lake with a piece of the “Eyes of the World,” and then twenty years passes and she becomes a productive member of society who beats the bejesus out of gargantuan creatures known as Cardinal Virtues in order to slowly unravel her mysterious past. A strange “Star Wars” type of plot twist occurs when it is revealed that the main antagonist of the game is actually Bayonetta’s father, but she then throws a space satellite at him and kills him so the reunion does not last long. Then, in the second game a new villain arises and she is helped by her father from the past where it is revealed that he sacrificed himself to withhold an evil entity inside of his body who was actually the bad guy in the first game. Strange second plot twist aside, on the Nintendo Switch Bayonetta could get a game in which she meets her father from the super-past where it is revealed he was evil and that he was pretending to be good, yadda yadda yadda another plot twist.

The song is a lot less charming when it is being sung by a witch. No offense.
Everybody wants to destroy the world~

Last up is the White Witch from Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch, also known as Cassiopea. Long story short, her life has kinda been terrible since she was an infant when her father was killed by a group of mages who then appointed her to the council and blamed every mistake on her when she was just a teenager. Later she makes some of her own mistakes including turning innocent people into monsters who killed each other and her innocence deserts her leaving her all alone. Her ultimate goal is to destroy and then rebuild the world, which is a pretty standard super-villain goal. So, maybe her role on the Nintendo Switch would be to actually rebuild the console from the ground-up, or just Nintendo as a whole. With Cassiopea as Nintendo’s new CEO, Nintendo will be great again and enable cross-buy on Virtual Console titles between systems! Vote the White Witch for a better tomorrow.

So that is that, three witches than Nintendo could surely play homage to with the Nintendo’s Witch. Do you like witches? Or are you terrified of their possible powers? What would you like to see featured on the Nintendo’s Witch? Make sure to leave a comment below and let us know what you think!

4 comments

  1. The Witch just keeps sounding worse and worse every day… But there will eventually be good games that will make it tempting – for the right price. Games with witches, on the other hand, just sound self-congratulatory. I never played Sony’s PlayStation 2 PlayStation 2 game. I think some people refer to it as the “menu”, but it is some sort of lame game that loads when there isn’t a game disc in the drive. It’s the worst.

  2. Waiting for us to find out that Nintendo’s Witch is just a Wii U in a different box.

  3. I finally figured out why they call it the Switch. What else would you beat a dead horse with if you wanted to avoid soiling your good boots and expensive riding crop?

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