Note: Adeki was tipped off hours before the election that Jeb Bush would actually be the winner of the 2016 United States election by a wise Russian woman who sold cheap beans. Afterwards, he immediately wrote this article and scheduled it to be posted the day after the President was confirmed in order to appease him.
Yippie yeehaw, the election is finally over and our new president is the one and only Jeb Bush, slow and steady really does win the race. So, to make up for all the jokes made at his expense during his campaign, and the debates, and after he ended his campaign, this editorial will feature three games that Jeb! would most likely be proud of. Hopefully when Jeb! runs for re-election after four wonderful years, he will represent the newly instituted Gamers Party instead and finally demand that all consoles be region free.
First up is Awesomenauts Assemble! the PS4 edition of the 2D MOBA Awesomenauts originally released in 2012 for Windows/OSX/PS3/X360 and developed by Romino Games. For those who may think that name is familiar, Romino Games is also known for Swords & Soldiers as well as its sequel, the former of which was warmly received while the latter was a Wii U eShop exclusive. In Awesomenauts Assemble! players join up in 3 vs 3 teams in order to destroy each others bases which over time collect in-game currency known as Solar that can be used to buy upgrades or moves. Thankfully, the game is a lot more silent than other MOBA competitors such as League of Legends, which is a blessing. Rather than having to be bombarded by annoying team members who constantly lame each other for their failures the most conversation that takes place in each game is usually “gg.” It is very likely that Jeb Bush would take a liking to this kind of game as the matches can be finished in about 30 minutes to fit into his busy schedule as POTUS and because the game has so few players no one would recognize him as Jeb Bush!
A two by any other number is just as two, so the second game this editorial will highlight is Adventure Time: Explore the Dungeon Because I DON’T KNOW. Long name aside, this game is known as being the second video game based off of the “Adventure Time” franchise, as the first title was named Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why’d You Steal Our Garbage?!!. While the first game had relatively positive reviews, most criticized the games short length for its price, whereas the second game was criticized for being terrible in almost every sense of the world. A four-player co-op dungeon crawler, the game was panned for having repetitive gameplay, tedious quests, a terrible map system, and just plain un-fun co-operative play. But hey, it has “Adventure Time” on the cover so at least it was able to sell decently without actually being a decent game, thanks branding! Jeb! would hopefully enjoy this game despite its numerous flaws as he is able to see beauty in even the most troubling circumstances, just like persevering to run for President despite all the mom jokes made at his expense.
Last to the party is All Zombies Must Die! which is a four-player top down shooter that seems to be as boring and mundane as the title suggests. In the game players must defeat zombies in order to wade off the zombie apocalypse while also completing quests and working together to defeat large mobs. Aside from a strange Rastafarian alien that is a playable character, the game just seems very plain with nothing standing out about it. Worst of all, it is currently inaccessible on Steam except for an arcade version of the game named All Zombies Must Die!: Scorepocalypse which removes the quests. Jeb! would most likely find this game the most appealing of those listed in this editorials as it links so closely to him, plain. Not to say plain is bad in any sense, sometimes people just want plain after too much excitement, and it would let Jeb! be the hero he always wanted to be. Of course, one can only be so plain with a Rastafarian alien being a playable character but surely Jeb! will manage.
So, do you think that these games would actually make Jeb Bush happy, or was this editorial supposed to go more in the turtle direction? Did Jeb Bush even win the presidency or is he maintaining it from a puppet master position? Do you have suggestions for future editorials in the style of this one? Make sure to leave a comment below and let us know what you think!